We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.
1. A personalized cake topper if you've fallen accidentally in love and now have a wedding to plan.
Promising review: "We got a customized Shrek cake topper and it is perfection!! It is definitely our favorite little funny detail to our wedding and will be on display in our home after. The process was wonderful and Amy checked in each step of the way. Would recommend to anyone!!" —Julia Drozd
Get it from UniqueCakeToppers on Etsy for $184.96.
2. A Gingerbread Man pipe that'll take you to Funkytown.
Get it from ApolloGlassworks on Etsy for $39.99.
3. Some Supreme-style merch to rep your streetwear icon.
Get the beanie from ShishuSan on Etsy for $18 and the sweatshirt from OneStopShirts on Etsy for $44.45 (available in unisex S-3XL).
4. A set of three sheet masks that you'll be a believer of when you see your face.
Get it from Ebay for $17.88 (for three).
5. A hooded towel to help you dry off after a dip in the swamp.
Get it from PandorasCraftBoxByJR on Etsy for $25+.
6. A cock sock (or toy cozy) that'll make you ogregasm just looking at it.
Get it from tetianaknits on Etsy for $20.
7. A dreamcatcher to hang on your bed after you stay up late swappin' manly stories.
Promising review: "It arrived pretty speedily and it looks amazing. It's quite sturdy and the craftsmanship is top quality. Came safely packaged and without any problems. Perfect for my Shrek-loving best friend. She'll definitely flip for it." —mirjamkaasikaaslav
Get it from FirwelCrafts on Etsy for $6.85.
8. A pin that'll pair perfectly with your finger and your thumb in the shape of an "L" on your forehead.
Promising review: "Just got it in the mail and it’s perfect in every way. Only shooting stars break the mold, and this pin definitely has." —Megan Neuleib
Get it from BittersweetClubhouse on Etsy for $9.
9. A 3-D printed Shrek logo for a demonstration of your brand loyalty.
Get it from AwesomeALogos on Etsy for $15.64.
10. A Nic Cage pillow to remind us of what we almost had before Cage turned down the titular role.
11. A bust, because people with ancient Greek trinkets in their homes have layers — and you know who else has layers? Shrek. Shrek has layers.
Get it from CasualChicken on Etsy for $20.
12. A silicone dildo for you to start coming and don't stop coming.
Get it from NorthernFantasyToys on Etsy for $19.65.
13. A wooden bookmark to mark your spot as you read William Steig's 1990 masterpiece Shrek! for the 105th time.
Get it from MYbookmarKDesign on Etsy for $13.44.
14. A vinyl bumper sticker that'll tell everyone to move ogre, bitch!
15. A bath bomb, if you really couldn't care less about the gumdrop buttons.
Get it from GeorgiaCharmBombs on Etsy for $7.
16. Some custom cookies because these are the best years of your life — for your metabolism, at least.
Get it from SweetiePiConfections on Etsy for $24 (for six).
17. A mug that features the entire (Academy Award–nominated!) adapted screenplay (which lost to A Beautiful Mind for some dumb reason?).
18. The perfect pair of socks if you were holding out for a hero (by the name of Shrek) to cover your ankles.
Get it from All Over Shirts for $14.99.
19. A tee that prominently features your favorite doc for getting shrek-ups.
20. A pickle-scented bubble bar that'll have you falling in love. (Ever fallen in love?)
Promising review: "The hero we don't deserve. Bar is friggin big. I split it three ways and it made a ton of bubbles. Pickle scent is subtle." —Holly Williams
Get it from TwootieTarte on Etsy for $8.
21. An ogre-ed beanie that won't get clogged with ear wax.
Promising review: "My husband's head is MASSIVE and it is so hard to find beanies that fit, but this one was perfect! Great quality." —Hallie Lynn Schmidt
Get it from TheSouthernGirls on Etsy for $22 (available in six sizes).
22. A pair of slippers for when you're on your wa-aaay (yeah) to take the trash out and don't want to change into real clothes.
Get it from Overstock for $23.89 (available in six sizes).
23. A piece of beautiful canvas art to change your mind every time you start thinking people just ain't no good.
Get it from PosterCustoms on Etsy for $19.99+ (available in three sizes).
24. A clock made out of a vinyl record — but you don't really care for music, do you? (Hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah, hallelujah.)
Promising review: "It was perfect for my 83-year-old mother-in-law who is in love with Shrek. She was so EXCITED. Very well done." —Lisa
Get it from ElenasHome on Etsy for $26.95 (available in five backlighting colors).
25. A stunning tee to throw on in the morning after you *extremely wooden Duloc Doll voice* shine your shoes and wipe your...face!
26. A collection of lollipops if you've saved room after your morning waffles.
Promising review: "These are adorable Shrek pops that also taste wonderful. Arrived in perfect condition due to great package shipping supplies. A++++ seller!!" —Rose Fox
Get it from StonehillChocolates on Etsy for $9 (for six; two of each)
27. And a dad hat that pays tribute to the prince who forgot to slay the dragon but slayed your heart instead.
Get it from lolikesclothes on Etsy for $25.95 (available in eight colors).
Looking for more niche identity posts? From pickle fans to Harry Potter heads to the lazy people who also like to be fancy, we’ve got you covered.
Looking for the perfect gift for any occasion? Check out all of BuzzFeed’s gift guides!
