A Guide To Dating Much Older Women According To "Harold And Maude"
If The Graduate introduced audiences to the first one-night stand with a cougar, Harold and Maude still taught us the compelling nature of love and its capacity to ignore the trivial significance of age.
Here's the advice offered by younger, death-obsessed Harold for young men seeking older ladyloves like capricious, elderly Maude.
You're confused as to where to start when trying to court a much older lady? Harold's been there and done that, so here's his advice for you.
To start with, the best place to find a potential mature companion is at church. Cougarness is second only to Godliness.
Once you have her, don't ever let her think of any topic for more than 2 minutes. Thinking that long about a serious subject will only turn her whimsical nature into sourness and spite.
But make sure she cares about SOMETHING and encourage her to pursue her unimportant passion like the DAR or AA. Old women without a purpose (however useless it may be) quickly turn into spinsters and foster cats.
And verify that she has a "passion for life," a.k.a. suicide is bad and very traumatizing.
SERIOUSLY, PUT THE GUN DOWN! It gets easier.
Remind her how much you love her cooking. *Tea and scones count as cooking.*
Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Make her feel like she's 45 again.
For God's sake, let her drive every once in a while.
Learn to play the banjo. Aged ladies wig out with their wigs off to the banjo.
Lie to your mom about her. You and your prospective older lover can revel together in the feelings of danger and excitement.
Don't ever let her know about your emo years when you listened to a lot of Radiohead and kept a journal. Sadly, there are pictures, which is why you should immediately set them (and all other copies) on fire.
Take a deep breath! You're almost there. You just have to mature a few decades. She's not as easy as those 20-somethings you may be used to, but she's worth it.
Hold her accountable for her completely outlandish political beliefs. Older women love that.
Eventually, you are going to have to join her. Just be thankful if she doesn't drag you to a charity ball.
Accompany her to the funerals of her friends. They're kind of like birthday parties if you squint, don't listen too closely and ignore the sounds of sobbing.
Get a killer ride. A hearse says, "I'm preparing for your future, AND you'll have plenty of legroom."
Feel free to be yourself and share your most secretive hobbies with her. It's likely your cougar is into weird crap too.
Release all of your inclinations to be childish while she's asleep. Bubbles are sexy only in the bathtub, and even then that's debatable.
Take her advice about not giving a shit. She's closer to death - you owe her that much.
But most importantly, make sure she knows she's special by ensuring her house is covered in flowers.
And always be the first to say the "L" word (not lesbian, the other "L" word) with all the idealism and naivety that your youth inherently offers you.
After all, older women are women too.
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