Butter LettuceRomaine LettuceArugulaSpinachIcebergCartoon Lettuce
When you arrive at the castle with your scuba gear but the moat is all dried upWhen you tried to steam open your uncles letter but the ink runsWhen your collection of lobster grease catches fire at the back of the school bus and casualties ensue.When you throw an onion at a ceiling fan but the result is slower salad not faster saladMen who breathe or speak or bothHorses who prance better than your aunt Becky. HOW DARE THEY!
Poppin' dat bubble wrap, SON! forever and everBeing wrapped in a blanket of sizzling bacon and gently lowered into a cozy tar pitForever peeling endless dried skin of your feetLiving happily ever after with your family of pet eels atop a snowy mountainFitting 3,000 marshmallows into your mouth at one time
Frozen CornPopcornBaby dressed as candy cornYour friend, the corn.Dad in a corn costumeYa Burnt Corn
Which God(s) Are Judging You Right Now, & How Hard
That good old fashioned Christian son of God is judging you. He's judging you HARD. You like to think you're a good person, but let's be real. You scream OH MY GOD when you orgasm and JESUS CHRIST when you stub your toe. And don't think he doesn't judge your boring AF stamp collection. Jesus didn't die for your sins so you could waste your life on being as interesting as wet cardboard. Best case scenario you end up in limbo, but more likely your afterlife has LUCIFER written all over it.
Many arm, much trunk, very elephant. Ganesh disproves of your topsy-turvey lifestyle, he isn't sold on how you always park over the yellow line, and he thinks it's downright RUDE the way you don't wash your hands after taking a piss. That being said, he's already bored of you. Pass the hot sauce.
Buddah knows you are a selfish lout who only cares about one thing: getting paid. He sees the way you covet dat bling, but Buddha has reached enlightenment, so not much bothers him. He also doesn't believe in hell, so whether or not you spend the rest of your capitalist pig lifetime chasing tail or chasing fat stacks o cheddah hardly matters. nothing matters. Life is meaningless. You will be reincarnated as an alligator.
Well this is Awkward. You've managed to piss off the ENTIRE PANTHEON of Greek Gods. Mount Olympus mad AF. Cancel your Greek holiday immediately. Each one has their own specific gripe with how you live your life, and that my friend, is dangerous. How you managed to screw life on earth up so hard is beyond comprehension, but if you don't build an alter in your tiny studio apartment for each and every one of these guys ASAP you're done for. DONE FOR.