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What Kind Of Onion Are You?

Answer these deeply personal and disturbing questions to find out what kind of onion you've been all along

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  1. What kind of dog is least horrific?

    This pathetic piece of dog
    Via pixabay.com
    This pathetic piece of dog
    This real damn dog
    This real damn dog
    This drunk damn mutt
    This drunk damn mutt
    This cheezy-faced pooch who doesn't know a damn thing
    This cheezy-faced pooch who doesn't know a damn thing
    This mop user
    This mop user
    This creature
    This creature
  2. What is the worst thing you've ever done?

    Thrown a horse into the sun
    Asked Jesus for a smoke
    Described open-heart surgery to an infant owl
    Thrown spare change at the dishwasher in vain
    Stolen Mick Jagger's arthritis medication
    Poured scalding water down the face of a clock
    Demanded a ransom after kidnapping Zeus and licking his thunderbolts
    Lit a barn on fire just to listen to the the hay bails scream
    Built a fortress out of broken glass and used eye syringes
    Devoured an entire thanksgiving dinner while spitroasting yourself under the family elm tree
  3. PICK A BEET AND PICK IT NOW

  4. Which @ClarenceFlam Tweet about onions speaks to you the LOUDEST

    "#LittleKnownCandidateFacts trump is just a boiled onion whose favourite sock was ripped apart mercilessly by the dryer"
    "To my future children, : Nzb'th 1 and : Nzb'th 2, I bequeath my solid gold onion and my invisible staircase. #AMothersLove"
    "SOMEBODY USED MY FRIEND ONION FOR COOKING AND BURNT HIS WHOLE FACE OFF AND I'M ABOUT READY TO RAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE."
    "#IamNotJust a moose longing for a BLAST of blended horse hair, I am a moose looking for an onion to chew on."
    "#RejectedSandwichNames THE ONION CRATER SUCKING IN ALL OF EARTH'S MEAT JUICE"
    "#hurricanepatricia Hurricane #ProTip boil as many goddamn onion as you can, and keep them on your feet. ONions are wind-resistant. #Fact"
    "#BetterHalftimeActsThanColdplay AN ONION LOOKING AT ANOTHER ONION LIKE THAT ONION'S A BITCH AND THE FIRST ONION KNOWS BETTER"
    "#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly 40 onions decide to go rogue. The elderlyest onion stabs a watermelon in the face, while the thin green onion cries."
    "hellls yeah just let me digest this glut of onion rings stuck in my tract and I'll toast with bubbles"
    "THROW ME IN AN ONION STORM AND CALL ME CHIVE, Boris Johnson is king of the Midlands! #Trump2016 #Britain #BorisisBack #Brexit #Cameron"
  5. DESCRIBE THE MOST DANGEROUS INTERSECTION IN UR OPINION

    PACK OF HORSES, one single broken baby's bottle, and a drunk child
    no stop sign, youths on skateboards, and a wild boar running loose
    rabid ferrets raining from the sky, dark clouds of acid rain, a wind turbine creaking over onto your car
    a friendly dog wearing roller skates, a McDonalds drive-thru on every corner, and a soft breeze blowing gently at your ear hairs
    a swinging pendulum of death, fire licking at your face, screams from the underworld, and a rain of locusts
  6. WHICH HAND WOULD YOU LIKE TO FEED YOU FRUIT

  7. What politics are u bud

    Communist
    Anarchosyndicalist Ecocapitalist
    Hands off my damn guns
    all hail king of the puss, Senor Octo
    GIMMIE LAND AND GIMMIE NO TAXES I DONT WANNA PAY I NEED a damn job
  8. Pick a meat that you wanna cram in your face hole later

    This thing. Raw.
    This thing. Raw.
    This creature.
    This creature.
    This burnt up item.
    This burnt up item.
    Meat cake.
    Meat cake.
    Fish like item
    Fish like item
    This very very safe meat like item
    This very very safe meat like item
  9. What's the worst category of people?

    Lesbians named Nancy
    Heterosexuals who like owls
    Men who breathe oxygen
    People who lick the faces of clocks
    Elderly male-read trumpeters
  10. LASTLY, PLEASE SELECT THE MOST APPEALING IMAGE TO YOUR OCULAR SENSES AND PICK IT QUICK

What Kind Of Onion Are You?

You got: Green Onion

You're long and get dried up if left in the sun too long. You are green like the hands of a spunky oil painter. You answer to the rhythm of nothing but the moon.

Green Onion
i.imgur.com
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You got: White Onion

You're an over-privileged onion who interjects itself into salsa, curry, salads, hashbrowns, and stirfries. You want to belong. But you don't. You can do better, friend. Rip yourself in half and watch those around you weep.

White Onion
dir.indiamart.com
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You got: Shallot

You're a hot-headed, sex-fiend. You love to roam the streets at night screeching at abandoned bird's nests and throwing clumps of hair off the bridge to trick the sailors. You're a real wild onion. Stay gold, pony shallot.

Shallot
en.wikipedia.org
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You got: Red Onion

You grew up in a field, longing to watch yourself be chopped up in a ceiling fan and rained down onto an avocado/tomato salad. You're festive and fun, the life of the party. Everyone wants to be you, but no one wants to know you. It gets lonely being you, you tortured soul.

Red Onion
bonappetit.com
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You got: BURNT ONION

YOUR DAYS ARE DONE YOU BURNT UP PIECE OF TRASH. YOU TRIED TO BELONG AND BE A REAL ONION, BUT YOU FELL IN THE FIRE AFTER DRINKING 18 BOTTLES OF COORS LIGHT IN UNDER 6 MINUTES AND BARFED UP ONION JUICE ALL OVER THE DOG. GET OUTTA HERE. YER DONE, BUD. YER DONE.

BURNT ONION
jesspryles.com
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