TOP TEN BEST THINGS TO DO WITH WINDEX

ALSO THE ONLY THINGS YOU SHOULD EVER BE DOING WITH WINDEX #RIDETHEBLUE

1. HIT THAT GODDAMN BLUE MAGIC WITH A STICK.

You pick the stick, you pick the speed, YOU PICK THE ANGLE. Windex is like a hockey puck or any other sports ball, it needs to be hit if it wants to glide across the ice and into the end zone where it will give much points very win

2. USE IT TO JAZZ UP YOUR SOUPS

Nothing in this entire universe is more true than the cold hard fact that Windex is delicious in soup. Spritz half the bottle in there and guzzle that soup down while it's still boiling. In the summer try freezing the Windex in ice cube trays and dropping it into your gazpacho. Delicious!

3. CURE TROLLFOOT for any foot or troll

Trollfoot is a serious disease caused by basting your toes in the juicy runoff from sauerkraut then roasting your feet over a troll's funeral pyre. Most people have trollfoot. GOOD GODDAMN NEWS, THOUGH. Douse that hideous #trollfoot in the cobalt wonder medicine that is Windex and be cured for all of eternity. God Bless Windex.

4. LOCK THAT SHIT THE HELL UP IN A GODDAMN CAGE

HEY WINDEX I DON'T COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND TELL YOU HOW I LIKE YOUR WINDOWS TO LOOK SO GET THE HELL OUTTA MY GODDAMN FACE. Even the kindest looking bottle of blue ocean breeze will give you some damn 'TUDE here and there, and there's only one solution. It's a cage. A Windex cage. Slide paper scraps through the cracks for sustenance.

5. GUZZLE THAT BEAUTY DOWN YOUR THROAT HOLE

Pour yourself a nice, cold, shot of blue wonder juice and throw it down your face hole into your back-of-mouth-water-slide and let that delicious cleaner work its way down to your gastrointestinal tract and settle in your liver or your butt or your eyes or somewhere it ends up in your body WHO KNOWS WHO CARES.

6. HANG IT BY A STRING

Get a string, any string. Shoelace, dental floss, pirate ship rope, a busted up tire, a child's shoe, hair from your uncle, a dog's mane, any string at all. Tie that Windex up and let it swing in the breeze or imagine that it's a potted plant or some kind of Christmas decoration in the middle of the hallway. WHATEVER.

7. GIVE THAT HARDWORKING CLEANER A DELICIOUS NICOTINE CIGARETTE STICK

Cigarettes are delicious and full of health-reviving herbs and minerals to help detoxify your body and also boost your self-confidence. Give your Windex a treat, and shove a lit cigarette into its spray nozzle/mouth-like area. The Windex will be so happy it'll probably smoke the whole thing then go down to the store to buy you a puppy and a bag of shucked oyster shells.

8. Clean up your soiled undergarments after DISGUSTING INCIDENTS

Every time you eat a gluten and your shit box goes HOG WILD all up in your pants, or maybe you burst your bladder on the sidewalk, have no fear. Just douse your disgusting undergarments in a few gallons of Windex and leave them to dry in the sun. Shit be gone by morning, 100% guaranteed!

9. RUB THE LOTION ON THAT BOTTLE OF BLUE HAPPINESS

Ole Windaroo McWinderson needs lube, too. Windex's skin gets dry with all those terrifying blue chemicals seeping into its skin all day, and you should take care of your ole pal. Lotion, bacon grease, used up lip gloss, any of these things will work fine. Just rub that shit FIRMLY and with VIGOR all over your blue bottle's body.

10. 10. TUCK THAT SHIT THE HELL INTO BED it's been a big ole day for Mx. Windy.

Your goddamn household window cleaner is tired as fuck. Stop fucking around and let that damn beast get some damn SHUTEYE AROUND HERE. Throw a tarp or a buffalo hide over it's lifeless body, turn on the Clarence Carter, and let that plastic bottle of noxious fumes drift off to dreamland.