1.
'omg mckayla you're famous" - the top reply under every viral tweet
2.
Why isn't Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries called Berried Treasure, do I have to think of everything
3.
procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
4.
How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies: "Look at his/her stupid face" "This plot is so dumb" "This snow is so fa… https://t.co/VijIjI6Z42
5.
what are you people doing with bagels
6.
Wife: you are such an idiot Me: what's a nidiot Wife: Me: what is it Wife: Me: what's a nidiot Linda Wife: *leaves* Me: Me: *googles nidiot*
7.
Me: never assume Wife: because it makes an ass of u and me? Me: what did i just say diane
8.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm. ME: That's pretty vague. CC: Oh, sorry. It'll be a cable TV installer.
9.
My sister is 90% done with her Christmas shopping and I am 90% done with this bottle of vodka.
10.
me: *violently flaps open new trash bag* me: i am the backbone of this household
11.
ME: i put so much pressure on myself to succeed FRIEND: you're eating ice cream in bed ME: *snoring*
12.
Sure, I'll watch that. It's not like I've anything more exciting lined up
13.
you know shit's bad when even your raisins are getting woke
14.
I don’t remember ever listening to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” on purpose and yet I know all the lyrics. This… https://t.co/xQS2PtrOLC
15.
2017: the year I learned some things about my capacity for anger and disgust
16.
Sold out by my own son.
17.
all I want in life is to be the dude behind the bar in the old westerns endlessly drying shit w/ a cloth, minding his own business
18.
My fiancé calls this painting at Panera "Obama having a meal with various stages of Michael Jacksons."
19.
The judge said I can’t do that anymore
20.
Love when my parents criticize an aspect of my personality that is 100 percent their fault
21.
me: i have to be up in about six hours i should go to sleep also me: i should take every hogwarts house sorting quiz i can find
22.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog* WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
23.
HONKING ISN'T GOING TO SEND THIS TWEET ANY FASTER, ASSHOLE!!
24.
I don't care if he's sad you are not allowed to watch him pee
25.
I relate to the Chainsmokers music cuz one time my dad didn't let me borrow his Range Rover so I moved to France
26.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half! EVERYONE: *gasps* ME *whispers to wife* ok you wer… https://t.co/IwO0G55rzt
27.
Anybody: Hi. Me: You've made a huge mistake.
28.
Anyone know what type of kite this is?
29.
Student: Actually, my dad says- Me: Okay, thanks, Braxton S: My name's Brayden M: That's what I said, Tristan, now sit back down
30.
logging into twitter to make sure all my homies are getting tucked in
31.
If I die from choking on Cap'n Crunch please just tell people that I was killed by a great pirate
32.
ME: I feel like we've been driving in circles! You're the worst at giving directions MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY: Alright alright alright
33.
Me: (before seeing a baby hippo) yeah I like hippos Me: (after seeing a baby hippo) do not even talk to me unless you're a baby hippo
34.
Passing notes in school Me: Do you like me □ Yes □ No Her: STOP SENDING ME NOTES! Me: Do you really wish to unsubscribe □ Yes □ No
35.
Wow fall HGTV lineup coming in hot: •Flip House •Flip House 2 •Flip House 2: Vegas •Flip House 5 •Flips •House Buy… https://t.co/vxIH7Mri5v
36.
Friend: Can you give me a ride? Me: I'll give your MOM a ride! [Later] Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
37.
[moonlight walk] Date: i'm getting cold Me: *removes coat* Date: oh you're so sweet Me: *throws coat in the trash* i'm getting cold now too
38.
*guy points to my bicep tattoo that says 'Alright!'* "What's that mean?" Ah. Look: *shows other bicep tat that says 'Backstreet's Back...'*
39.
For every RT I will show you a DVD my roommate owns
40.
This dude just broke that strawberry's neck.
41.
BIG HORSE: shall i kill him and set u free? LITTLE HORSE: no, wait until the boy has his own family, then take his… https://t.co/s8z23iySOB
42.
Doctor: Any food allergies? Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me Carton of milk: That's not true
43.
BRUNO MARS: I'd catch a grenade for ya ME: Thanks, but I'd probably still die. BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya ME: Again...
44.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct
45.
I like the phrase "I wasn't born yesterday" because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.
46.
Maybe instead of requesting a song from the dj just tell him you wish you were home.
47.
Me to my kid: Can you explain this low grade in math? My kid: If you'll refer to Items 1-4 on my list...
48.
ME: please don't be mad GETAWAY DRIVER: what's wrong ME: i left my phone in there
49.
[first lumberjack meeting] Guy 1: “What should we yell when we cut down a tree?” Guy 2: “Clear the way?” Guy 3:… https://t.co/kSBpdpBlGU
50.
i made a helpful venn diagram
51.
I hate it when I get all the way to work and realize I left my will to live on the counter
52.
Whoever figured out how to eat an artichoke must have been really hungry.
53.
Me: ugh I feel so fat and sad today Brain: probably all that cereal you've eaten Me: guess I'll have some cereal to cheer up Brain: wait no
54.
If they're scrambled, I can only eat two eggs. If they're Deviled, I can eat forty seven.
55.
wife: Drive safe me: Ok wife *sends text* wife *sends another text* wife *sends another text asking why I'm not responding to her texts*
56.
[a demon possesses me] DEMON: lol owned
57.
[sees guy who bullied me in school getting arrested] Ha! Now who's a, erm, err.... [six weeks later, sits bolt upr… https://t.co/FI31fxwMIX
58.
Coworker: *sneezes* Me: bless you! 5 minutes later. Me: *sneezes* Coworker: ....... Me: *mentally* oh? Ok.… https://t.co/crSOeKmlf0
59.
[Nursing school] Doctor: ladies, if you want in the ER you're gonna have to put on these *holding up scrubs* TLC: absolutely not
60.
How do showers even get dirty? I don't have to clean the inside of my dishwasher or the washing machine. Get showers up to 2017, nerds.
61.
I had heard Dunkin Donuts was changing their name but I wasn't expecting this
62.
[Commercial for Gift Cards] Hi there. Do you want to give money to your friends, but just honestly prefer they spend it at Applebee's?
63.
why am i allowed to just buy werther's originals. they should be like girl scout cookies. you should have to know an old person to get them
64.
It's not perfect, but they make it work.
65.
If I ever have kids, I won't care who they love, as long as they're not the kind of people who clap at the end of a movie in the theater.
66.
Me: 911 whats your emergency? Caller: help theres 2 armed men in my home Me: lol so. if there was 3 armed men THATD be crazy. like mutants