1.
me: i am a human being, earth's dominant species, and i will not be- wasp: fuck off me: ok
2.
this is how lil kids cough
3.
im crying im so happy for them
4.
[dropping my bf off at the airport] Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver! Me: wait wha- Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
5.
this is how I feel when I’m listening to a podcast
6.
me when someone tries to get to know me
7.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
8.
nobody: person with airpods:
9.
[me doing body positivity] I love my skin prison
10.
*baby screaming* Me: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC
11.
I just asked one of my friends for advice and she had the absolute AUDACITY to hit me with a “well it’s just like you told me a few months ago...” Girl that was for you, I’m not listening to my own bullshit smh
12.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment McDonald's employee: ok
13.
Me: big day today Brain: we're ready Me: yep Brain: not like last time Me: what Brain: when you wrote 'gren' on the colors test Me: I was 5 Brain: don't blow it today
14.
Me: and this is my house Friend: what’s upstairs Me: stairs don’t talk
15.
me: *starts a movie* also me: *keeps playing with my phone for 10 minutes straight* me: This movie sucks the movie: https://t.co/tqrGV9sHcb
16.
WHAT ARE YOU EATING AND HOW CAN I HELP? - dog
17.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
18.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
19.
Ben: Hi, it’s Ben Me: ONE WEEK SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME
20.
Mother: can you please fix my computer Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
21.
[interrupting a group of pre-teen girls playing M.A.S.H] what health insurance plan does it say I should get
22.
I’m a bitch I’m a lover I’m a child I’m a mother I’m a dolphin in the sea I mostly say eeeeeeeEEEEEEEeee
23.
[Starting my day] ME: Today is going to be a good day! [Literally anything happens] ME: Okay this is actually too much right now and I need to lie down.
24.
depression: everything is terrible me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online anxiety: you can’t afford that me: okay guys, one at a time
25.
some friends i’ve made in new york
26.
[inventing the toaster] engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4 chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
27.
me, cleaning alone: I’m the only one who lifts a finger around here me, cleaning with help: *watches him put the salad fork where dinner forks go* fucken wow steve
28.
tried to describe a crunchwrap to someone and said “food that wants to be its own ravioli”
29.
Don’t correct me if I’m wrong but if you put emergen-C in vodka you will literally live forever
30.
Me when y'all applaud men for doing the bare minimum:
31.
when ur dog sees another dog walking by ur house
32.
being single is all fun and games until you realise it’s a never ending cycle of getting to know someone, they eventually stop texting you, then they watch your Instagram story every day until you die
33.
[Barnes and Noble] ME: *tries to return “How to Be More Assertive"* Customer Service: No refunds ME: Sorry I bothered you..
34.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
35.
me choosing my outfit everyday
36.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror* SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
37.
FRIEND: what's new? ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company FRIEND: hertz? ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
38.
my organs: ...water....pls.. me, pouring a glass of wine: come get y’all juice!!
39.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
40.
if i was really “depressed” would i be able to do this????? *moves from my bed to the bath an hour and a half after i say i’m going to*
41.
Installed an anti-virus thing on my parents computer
42.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren't invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
43.
Me during interviews: I love challenges Me day 1: if I have to fill out a form for direct deposit I don’t want it
44.
[watching friend input his password on a website] ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
45.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy] "Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem" [2 weeks later] "I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don't have to see them"
46.
It’s the remix to ignition
47.
*voluntarily spends hours on the internet daily* neato *friend sends 5-min video to watch* do i look like im made of free time or something
48.
*accidentally eats fruit seed* Friend: Omg you know it’s gonna grow in your stomach??????? 7 yr old me:
49.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
50.
FRIEND: Hey, it’s been too long! ME: it has! FRIEND: We should catch up! Me: definitely! FRIEND: Awesome, when do you want to do it? ME: soon, for sure! FRIEND: How about next Friday? ME: ok please stop
51.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you've forgotten my name? ME: Haha of course that's BARISTA: Latte for Rachel ME: not true, Rachel DATE: That's not mine ME: DAMN IT
52.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw WIFE: wow that sucks ME: i know what a straw does linda
53.
ME: man i wish i remembered my dream from last night FACEBOOK: ur childhood dentist was chasing u thru a forest. the trees were screaming. and the dentist was wearing l.l.bean boots, which u can buy for $119.99 if u click on this ad ME: nice thanks FACEBOOK: :) ME: wait a minute
54.
[last day as head juror] judge: how do you find the defendant me: guilty judge: and the full sentence? me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty
55.
Me: [drops the shampoo in my shower at home] *10 minutes later* *knock at my door* Guy who lives 2 miles away: we heard an explosion, is everyone okay?
56.
Just my luck, 250 million year old salt and it expires next year.
57.
at some point a guy looked down at his worm infested apple and thought "I bet this worm fucking loves to read" and that's how we got most of the posters in our school libraries
58.
Cinema cashier: enjoy the film Me: you too Me: https://t.co/dwqPa6NCcE
59.
[2068 AD] DAD: son last night your grandmother was canceled SON: nana took an L??? DAD: click hear to pay $4.99 to view funeral without ads
60.
the sexual tension between these two beach houses???? lmao
61.
i sold our coffee table on craigslist so i could do p90x in my living room my mom? pissed my body? shredded
62.
KID: can i eat a tide pod MOM: no KID: this is bullshit MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
63.
Honey, I shrunk the kids Honey, I blew up the kids Honey, I made the kids believe they were exceptional and complimented them on their talent rather than their work ethic and now they're in their mid to late 20s and never developed the ability to finish a passion project
64.
Every person I end up behind at the TSA checkpoint:
65.
Working on my five year plan: 1. ? 2. ? 3. ? 4. ? 5. And then they'll all be sorry.
66.
"your order has been shipped" me:
67.
I dropped a box of spaghetti on the ground and accidentally graduated from Art School.
68.
I’m just a girl Sitting in front of a computer Holding a phone Which is open to the same website as the computer I’m sitting in front of.
69.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it's called self care
70.
Spoon is cheaper than change the whole fence.
71.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it's called self care
72.
once at a party I was stuck in a boring group conversation then I remembered I had a banana in my purse so I pulled it out answered it like a phone and said “Sorry guys I have to take this” and walked away we are the masters of our own fate
73.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he'd carry on playing with its corpse
74.
me talking to a friend: like yes, intimacy is great, but am i really ready for a full relationship right now? instagram ad: Do you feel like yes, intimacy is great, but am i really ready for a full relationship right now? If so, you should shop at this online thrift store
75.
James? I havent heard that name in years
76.
Changed out of my “home” sweatpants into a nicer pair of sweatpants to drive to TJ Maxx and buy another pair of sweatpants
77.
Relationship status : this girl.
78.
Me on the outside vs me on the inside
79.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones. Me, who hasn't taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
80.
when babies can’t say “please” yet so they say “peas” with their little hand out
81.
Not a fan of the new Harry Potter book
82.
[using Ouija board] "yo Chad, can you hear us?" *W* *A* *A* *A* *Z* *Z* *Z* “this is gonna take a while, Chad died in 1999.”
83.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
84.
*Complains about ppl looking at the accident, causing traffic* *gets next to the accident*
85.
People: “You look so unapproachable” Me: “And yet, here you are”
86.
Wife: There is something wrong with you Me: What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson
87.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
88.
so u broke into his house https://t.co/6H5DHvnC8E
89.
Me in 2008: technology is out of control. What dumbass would put personal information on the World Wide Web Me in 2018: Alexa, read me the results of my rectal exam at 2x speed
90.
*first date* Guy: I like a girl who's good with money Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can't identify your body
91.
*hiding Waldo's ashes* it's what he would have wanted
92.
tedtalks but does tedlisten :-(
93.
Bring me Solo and the Wookie 😂
94.
ants when i drop a hot cheeto on the ground
95.
me: i've got my sign language exam tomorrow him: oh fingers crossed! me: no, there's a bit more to it than that
96.
Took 28 years to realise that no matter what the meeting is about, if you randomly chime in with 'it's just about finding that balance' people will always agree.
97.
My little sister has an obsession with cutting the faces off baby dolls/stuffed animals and putting them on other dolls. Help https://t.co/Q6xzeg2fzw
98.
Just got Ed Sheeran’s new album
99.
Show yourself Inspector Gadget
100.
"What's the craziest thing you've ever done for money?" Me:
101.
So dramatic! Dude from the weather channel bracing for his life, as 2 dudes just stroll past. #HurricaneFlorence