Greetings, folks. I know normally these reviews are of stuff on Netflix, but this week I'm telling you about a new movie I rented on Amazon called Girl on the Third Floor. I'd seen multiple tweets and reviews insisting it's a disturbing, unique horror flick. After I watched the trailer, I was certain I had to check it out. Here, watch for yourself:
Here's how Amazon describes the movie:
Let me tell you, it was one of the STRANGEST things I've ever watched and I don't know how I'm going to explain it, but here we go!
We start by meeting Don Koch, who is renovating his new house.
Don is with his beautiful dog, Cooper. All I know is that Cooper needs to go unharmed for the next hour and 30 minutes.
Early on, nothing scary happens but the house itself is DISGUSTING. Here's one example: There's a puddle of some unknown goo, a condom, and a bunch of dead flies on the floor in one room. For some reason, Don cleans it with a towel and HIS BARE HANDS.
We meet someone who lives near Don named Ellie. She comes over unannounced (A TRULY SCARY CONCEPT) and offers him bourbon and friendly conversation.
We also meet Don's wife, Liz, who is pregnant and away while he fixes up the house. They talk over a video-chat. She seems very sweet. Still nothing spooky here.
FIRST SCARY MOMENT OF THE MOVIE ALERT: Around 16 minutes in, a figure can be seen walking behind Don. I think it was effective horror, because I said "nope" out loud.
MORE GROSS HAPPENINGS: While Don is trying to work on a sink pipe, a bunch of brown stuff shoots out onto him.
Don spots this woman outside of his house and they briefly greet each other. Methinks she's the girl on the third floor who this movie's title is referring to.
Ah yes, even MORE GROSSNESS. Don goes to take a shower and it shoots out this goop that looks like...something.
Another scary moment: There's a figure standing in the mirror in the shot seen below. Don doesn't spot it, do you?
Don sees Sarah outside playing with his wonderful, magnificent, perfect pup, Cooper and he invites her inside. Uh oh.
Don gives Sarah a tour of his house like it's a haunted-ass episode of MTV Cribs. It definitely feels like he's about to do something stupid.
So Don and Sarah hook up. The next night, she comes back for round two, but Don decides to not cheat on his wife this time! Hooray!
Later that night, Don has a dream that he's getting intimate with his wife...
His wife turns into Sarah...
And Sarah turns into this pancetta-faced entity.
OK, if you want to watch this movie for yourself without pretty much everything being spoiled, stop here. If you want to continue down the extremely random, profoundly eerie roller coaster that the last hour of this movie is, scroll on!
At 33 minutes in, we're introduced to Don's friend, Milo, who comes to help him fix the house up.
I was genuinely enjoying their dynamic, but I won't delve any further into Milo's character because the movie didn't either. Here's Milo LESS THAN EIGHT MINUTES after he was introduced, being killed off by Sarah.
Don is video-chatting with his wife when she spots something (it's Sarah) swoop by in the background. Don searches the house but finds nothing. He's freaked out, so the next morning he changes the locks and installs a camera.
REMEMBER EARLIER HOW I SAID COOPER THE PERFECT DOG BETTER GO UNHARMED FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THIS FILM? Well, he doesn't and it's really, REALLY awful.
I absolutely hated everything about this moment, so I'll spare you the details and just say that Sarah killed Cooper in a very, very horrible way. It's legitimately my least favorite thing from any of the horrors I've watched thus far.
Don sees on the camera that Sarah was in his home, so he knows she's the one who killed Cooper. Sarah shows up and Don tells her he has a gift for her in the kitchen. I think she's expecting flowers or jewelry, but it turns out all he has is a blunt force object to the back of her head.
After killing Sarah, Don cleans up the mess and stashes her body.
Don leaves for a second and Sarah's body disappears. Then, Don searches the house for Sara's body and winds up discovering some disturbing art, and this strange, bloody, organ-like thing breathing in the walls.
He also finds Eight Minute Milo's body stashed in the walls.
It gets even weirder. Cabinets start opening and shutting, then this thing crawls out of a drawer. It's a really weird, chopped open face with teeth in places they don't belong.
The teeth-face person puts a marble inside of Don's leg for some reason, and he tries to cut it out with a box cutter (it's super gory). Somehow, the marble scurries up his leg and body, all the way up to his eye.
Don eventually squeezes the marble out.
The teeth-face person is closing in on Don, then she sends a bunch of marbles into his body.
Liz comes to the house to surprise Don, but he's nowhere to be found. She goes across the street and talks to the neighbor Ellie. When she comes back, there's like a weird sex show or something happening, and creepy dudes are watching from a third floor balcony.
Liz finds Don. He's slashed his body up trying to get the marbles out. Liz is like, "We should leave this house," and Don is all ,"It's complicated, I screwed up," implying that he cheated.
Don slices his skin off and it turns out it's Sarah inside? Look, I genuinely don't know what's happening anymore, so if you're reading this asking, "WTF?!" know that I was doing the same as I watched it.
Liz runs off. On her way out, she smashes the teeth-face person's head with a hammer, because they weren't letting us out of this movie without another astoundingly gross shot.
We cut six months into the future and...LIZ IS STILL LIVING IN THE HOUSE, NOW WITH HER BABY. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. That's a totally safe, sensible thing to do.
When Liz leaves the room, we see the baby looking up at the vent, where Don is lurking. END CREDITS.
Eli on Netflix
Eerie on Netflix
Secret Obsession on Netflix
Midsommar in theaters
Murder Mystery on Netflix
The Perfection on Netflix
The Wandering Earth on Netflix
The Silence on Netflix
Black Summer on Netflix
How It Ends on Netflix
Set It Up on Netflix
The Kissing Booth on Netflix
Veronica on Netflix
Dude on Netflix
Irreplaceable You on Netflix