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I Watched A Horror Movie On Amazon Prime Called "Hell House LLC" To See If It's As Scary As People Have Said

Paranormal happenings, clowns, and found footage.

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Here's what Hell House LLC is about according to Amazon Prime:

Amazon

"On Oct. 8, 2009 a haunted house attraction opened its doors to the public in upstate New York. The entire crew was found dead, except for one. Five years later a documentary crew found her...and the video footage from inside the house."

As usual, I'll be watching from the comfort of a crowded office during the daytime, in the hopes that this will make it less scary.

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As a big fan of Cloverfield and Chronicle, I'm excited that this movie is done in found footage style, and ready to get it started.

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Early on we see video of people inside of the haunted house. It's cluttered and shaky and completely believable.

Fbi Films

This footage feels like watching one of your drunk friends in the club on Snapchat.

So, we see some interviews with people discussing what happened in the house to cause all of those deaths.

Fbi Films

This girl is the only surviving member of the Hell House staff, and she provides the "documentary" makers with footage she has of herself and her friends setting the Hell House up before its opening.

We're now seeing the group of friends and getting their backstory. I'm immediately into this character, who praises the classic Will Smith movie, Hitch.

Fbi Films

Anyone who knows me knows that Hitch is one of my favorite things in the world, so Hell House LLC has already won me over by referencing it.

Also, Hell House LLC has a character named Alex and a character named Sara, which are Will Smith and Eva Mendes' characters names in Hitch, so I think the writer of this movie might be a Hitch fan, and we should definitely be friends.

The first super creepy thing happens when the group is evaluating the space they're setting the haunted house up in, and you catch a glimpse of a dark figure in the corner.

Fbi Films

The camera person didn't notice it, but they make sure we see it.

WORRIED FOR THESE PEOPLE METER: 8.5/10

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Another creepy thing happened. This dude's door opened at night and someone stood in the doorway, before walking off.

Fbi Films

He casually brushes this off as a person sleepwalking.

CHARACTER BEING WAY TOO CASUAL METER: 10/10

WOW — the dude with the camera was walking around and encountered this clown. He thought it was his friend trying to scare him, but...

Fbi Films

...a few moments later, he finds his friend in a different room. So this clown is probably, definitely, for sure going to kill him later.

Camera guy tries to show his friends the footage of the clown, but they think he's just trying to pull an elaborate prank on them.

Fbi Films

Even if my friends didn't believe me, if I saw something like this for myself, I'd be GONE. End of movie, roll credits.

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So, this Sara girl has been acting weird as hell and I was starting to think she might be possessed or something...

Fbi Films

...and this kind of confirms my theory. She's standing in the dark in the middle of the night, whispering things in some demonic sounding language? Sara's gone, Satan's here.

Instead of leaving, they brush the paranormal shit off and continue to prepare their haunted house for opening day.

Fbi Films

These fools had a chance to leave but they're like, "Nah, let's casually stick around and see if something else happens" like they're watching the end credits of a Marvel movie.

SYMPATHY FOR THIS GROUP WHEN THEY INEVITABLY DIE METER: 0/10

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EVERY TIME HE LIFTS THE BLANKET, THE DEMON NIGHTSTAND PERSON IS CLOSER.

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I get it, I too like to hide under blankets and take naps in the hopes that my problems will magically disappear, but in this scenario you've got to get up and move, man.

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They've made it to opening night and foolishly, they're going to allow the general public into this haunted house.

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Basically the opening goes horribly, and while we don't clearly see precisely what's happening, we catch glimpses of terror and the mysteriousness of the situation makes it scarier.

In present day, Sara is talking to the documentary people about what happened on opening night.

Fbi Films

Sara says she feels ill and needs a break from the interview, which sounds to me like she's still possessed by a demon.

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Oh, now you suggest leaving?

Fbi Films

Demon-possessed Sara is sitting there, waiting for them. It's tough to feel sorry for any of the victims in this movie, but I suppose that's the case with most horror flicks.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Fbi Films

HORROR RATING: 8/10.

HOW SCARY WAS IT: I'm going to be honest — there were a couple times I had to exit Full Screen and watch it minimized like a coward, because I was anticipating scary moments. Hell House LLC definitely has scenes that are legitimately freaky and intense, but they don't use a bunch of cheap jump scare tactics which I appreciate.

PERMANENT DAMAGE DONE: It won't keep me up tonight or anything, but I'll 100% think of this movie next time I'm at a haunted house and it'll definitely make it scarier.

SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?: Yes, then afterwards hit me up so we can discuss how dumb all of the people who died are for not bouncing the instant things felt sketchy.