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"Teatoxing" Isn't As Glamorous As It Looks On Instagram

Because, guess what, it involves poop.

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Many of my favorite celebrities have endorsed teatox programs on their Instagrams.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

I'm easily swayed by words like, "fit," and "skinny," and "mildly diarrhetic."

So, obviously I ordered the cheapest teatox program I could find.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Smells like fat melting away!

The teatox program came with two different teas, one for the A.M and one for the P.M.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

And both of them tasted like wood-chips. Because, hello, fitness.

I was impressed. The morning tea really curbed my appetite.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

The night tea promised to provide a gentle cleanse, detoxifying major organs and eliminating water weight and possibly evil spirits.

Via giphy.com

I assumed "gentle cleanse" probably just meant colonic encouragement.

The directions said to steep the cleansing night tea for no more than two minutes, but I got a little distracted ...

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

It's like the Boston Tea Party up in here.

Okay, very distracted. I steeped the tea for over five minutes.

BBC World / Via YouTube

Like sand through an hourglass, these are the teas of our lives.

The cleansing effect kicked in faster than I expected.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Oh shit.

What started as partly cloudy quickly escalated to a flash flood. We're talking mud slides, people. The worst part was that I had a bunch of things I absolutely needed to do that day.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

I'll spare you details, but I thought I might have Ebola for a sec.

For instance, I had a long-standing dentist appointment ...

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

As well as one to seventeen cavities (but that's another story).

... And a $50 Groupon for yoga classes that was about to expire.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Clenching my buttcheeks for a full hour actually turned out to be a great workout, so maybe the teatox works in mysterious ways.

My stomach settled down a bit, so I went to the grocery store ...

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

I think it went well.

... And sent my grandma a birthday card.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Don't worry, I bought her a new birthday card.

I'm just thankful I didn't have anything super important to do, like a job interview ...

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Guess I can cross "not soiling myself in public" off the skill section of my resume.

... Or an opportunity to finally wear a romper out and about.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Because going to the bathroom under normal circumstances is hard!

Listen, I've had a lot of time to reflect on this teatox debacle ...

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Around hour seven, I started to understand the appeal of adult diapers.

And I wish the moral of the story is that you are beautiful and you should never drink diarrhetic beverages in order to look Instagram-famous.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Maybe next time I'll try #waisttraining.

But the real moral of this story is READ THE DIRECTIONS.

BuzzFeed/Christina Wolfgram

Because three extra minutes of steeping can be the differences between being happy and being poisoned.

There is a silver lining: now, when I see photos of celebrities posing with their teatox, I don't wonder how they got so skinny. I wonder about the state of their bowels.

Disney / Via giphy.com

And I laugh at them, because if I don't laugh, I'll go crazy. And we all know crazy people never have nice abs.

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