Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales from the links on this page. 1. Heels suck enough already, so instead of consuming them in pain, we should enjoy them in chocolatey delight. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Facebook: video.php Go ahead, chew that heel off here. 2. Chitlins and gizzards aren't for everyone, so let's just serve chocolate organs. visualanatomy.com Yeah, I'd choose ganache over blood any day. Get them here. 3. When they said, "perfect men don't exist," they sure weren't talking about the chocolate male species. amazon.com Finally, indulge in your richest fantasies. Get him here. 4. Imagine our world today if we shot chocolate bullets every time we fired a gun instead of metal ones. amazon.com We'd be a lot stickier. Get them here. 5. Video games are cool, but will they sustain you after you've been at it for more than 48 hours?!? etsy.com No, they won't. But these will. Get them here. 6. Everything utilitarian seems useless once you realize spoons can be made out of chocolate. amazon.com How much waste would we reduce if all the tools we used to eat other foods were edible? Get them here. 7. If anatomy is odiously associated with death, then we might as well shift our repulsive responses with something sweeter. etsy.com Apply Pavlov's conditioning to open ourselves up to our mortality; to be less fearful, to be less resentful! Get the chocolate skull here. 8. Escape the anguish of golf and savor the saccharine relief of these golf balls. etsy.com Get them here. 9. Even though chocolate rats are just as bad as real ones, at least these won't terrorize your dreams. etsy.com And, these won't outlast every other race so you needn't worry about that. Get them here. 10. Reignite your love for the earth by discovering the wonders of chocolate rocks. etsy.com Get them here. 11. Eat vegetables. etsy.com JK!! Get this nutritious carrot that's packed with protein here. 12. Fix that sink another day and instead, eat chocolate!! chocolatevault.com Get them here. 13. To hell with your teeth with these white chocolate dentures. etsy.com Surely, but blissfully, you'll replace these with something a little less palatable. Get them here. 14. OK, yes, Legos are really neat, but at the end of the day, wouldn't you rather eat them?? etsy.com Get them here. 15. Squirrels. etsy.com Do I even need to explain myself? Get the non-vicious, non-threatening, adorable ones here. 16. Lipstick already gets on your teeth so we might as well eat it. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Facebook: video.php Smear it on your teeth for all I care! Get it here. 17. Fill your body with something that won't impregnate you!!! etsy.com No arguments on taste either. Get them here. 18. Butts are great, but shiny chocolate ones that you can bite into without injuring someone are just better. etsy.com Get them here. 19. Scream, but feel a little reassured that these aren't actual piles of shit. IslandGirlGourmet I dare you to go look at the regular-colored doo-doos here. Want even more great product suggestions? Sign up for BuzzFeed’s Gift Guide Newsletter! If you can't see the signup box above, just go here to sign up for the BuzzFeed Gift Guide newsletter!