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We Competed To Make The Best Pizza For Wolfgang Puck And It Was A Total Mess

Good times, terrible pizza.

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This, of course, is Wolfgang Puck:

Macey J. Foronda / BuzzFeed

Either you've eaten at one of his hundreds of restaurants or you've treated yourself to a can of his organic soup from the grocery store. Wolfgang challenged three novice cooks to compete against each other to make the least terrible pizza in just eight minutes. Needless to say, it was a MESS...

Lindsay: I may not know how to boil an egg, but that's our little secret. Today I'm gonna LindSLAY this competition.

Sheridan: This Jersey girl isn't here to make friends. You think you'll beat me? You betta fughetaboutit.

Christian: Don't be fooled by my religious name — I plan to burn the crust out of my competition.

Lindsay: I seriously think if I stretched dough for a week I'd have the arms of Michelle Obama. Like, not even kidding.

Sheridan: Stretching this dough without making holes was hard AF. Wolfgang came over to see if it could be salvaged and tossed out my dough 'cause I screwed it up that badly. Christian called it cheating but really I LOST TIME IN THE END, OK?!

Christian: Unlike Sheridan, I was a PROFESH at stretching this dough. My dough could've taught an expert yoga class once I was done stretching it out.

Lindsay: Yeah, I ran with the sauce and no, I'm not proud of it — but it happened. And guess what Bieber? I'M NOT #SORRY.

Sheridan: I saw that the other two were using tomato sauce and since I am a unique special snowflake (according to my mother), I went with pesto. I've never actually had a pizza with only pesto sauce but I'm pretty sure it's a thing and went with it.

Christian: I don't know how much sauce to put on a pizza, BUT I DO KNOW Lindsay straight up JACKED the sauce from me while I was mid-scoop. It was ON after that Lin-SHADY move.

Lindsay: When Wolfgang started taking pictures of my pesto covered pizza, I was literally dying inside. Like, what an iconic moment in my life.

Sheridan: Since my crust was a bit funky, I decided to try and mask it with a beautiful display of super classy meats and veggies.

Christian: I went full-out bacon on my pizza because who doesn't love a little bacon? NO ONE.

Lindsay: Christian putting chocolate syrup on his pizza crust reminded me of the time I got side-bangs. A major, MAJOR mistake.

Sheridan: When Christian asked for chocolate, I nearly fainted. Is this a crepe making competition, boo boo? No. This is a pizza making competition and you just committed a sin. Shame on you!

Christian: Wolfgang was right — my pizza did look like a dog shit all over it, but just THINK about it... bacon and chocolate is a heavenly, sweet and salty combination! Pizza is the food of the drunk man anyway, so who cares what it looks like if it tastes good?

Finally, it was time for Wolfgang and his executive chef, Hugo Bolanos, to decide who made the best (of the worst) pizza!

What's on it: Tomato sauce, mozzarella, bacon, basil, feta, pesto, mushrooms, artichokes (ew)

Lindsay: So here's the deal — my pizza was AWFUL. I tried to act as confident as possible while presenting it to Wolf, but the truth of the matter is it tasted like shit. It was undercooked and flooded with artichokes. The main problem here is that I don't like artichokes. #whatevs #cantcook #dyingalone

Wolfgang: It looks good — it looks appetizing. There's a lot of traditional Italian ingredients you'd expect on a pizza. I think I would've preferred the prosciutto to the bacon, but it's not that bad. I would've cooked it a little longer though...

What's on it: Pesto sauce, goat cheese, prosciutto, mushrooms, sun-dried tomatoes, and basil.

Sheridan: Does my pizza look more like a thrown up calzone? Yes — I fully admit that. But you never know, Wolfgang might love a bit of a thicker crust.

Wolfgang: When I saw it at first while you were stretching the dough I was a little worried, but now it looks appetizing. I think you could've put a little less toppings on it, but overall it's tasty — it's very Italian tasting.

What's on it: Tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese, feta, bacon, bacon, bacon, and chocolate syrup on the crust.

Christian: OK, look — my pizza was BEFORE ITS TIME. Hear me out — you have a nice bacon and cheese pizza, then by the time you get to the crust, YOU HAVE A NICE CHOCOLATEY DESSERT WAITING FOR YOU. You'll be seeing this pizza in a few years on EVERYONE'S menu.

Wolfgang: To me, it tastes like a donut slept with a pizza. But maybe it's a good match...? Overall, I think it's not bad. It's definitely surprising.

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