1. Emotionally charged, seizure-inducing opening credits roll.
2. The question of the day: Whose baby is it?
3. A woman is convinced “he’s” the father of her baby.
4. Split screen.
5. “He looks exactly like him!”
6. A man is convinced he’s not the father.
7. Another split screen.
8. “He don’t look like me!”
9. PLOT TWIST: The man has a new girlfriend.
10. Quick video in sepia filter explaining why the man isn’t the father.
11. Maury does a bro greeting.
12. Instantaneous yelling of nonsense insults.
13. Someone yells, “Sit down!”
14. Nonsensical insults turn into five minutes of censored bleeps.
15. Chairs get thrown and suddenly become active characters.
16. A weave is snatched.
17. Camera man does a quick zoom.
18. Maury is now a security guard.
19. Maury sends guests into separate timeout corners.
20. Cuts to completely new guests with identical storylines as everyone who has ever been on the show.
21. Numbers 1-22 are repeated.
22. “Does someone in your family dress like an over-sexy, scandalous, hot mess? CALL US NOW!”
23. Cliffhanger commercial break builds anticipation.
24. Maury puts on his reading glasses.
25. The anticipated manila folder is handed off.
26. THE DNA RESULTS ARE IN.
27. THE GRAPHICS GUY FORGETS TO TURN CAPS LOCK OFF.
28. * screaming *
29. A “he’s not the father” touchdown dance commences.
30. The results make someone or everyone cry.
31. The results make someone or everyone fall to the floor.
32. * more screaming *
33. At least one guest runs backstage like the Blair Witch is chasing them.
34. The same fight that happened in the beginning of the show happens again backstage.
35. The audience boos.
36. The audience cheers.
37. The audience laughs and points.
38. The audience claps.
39. The audience “OOOHs” and “AWWWWs”
40. The audience takes on mob mentality.
41. The audience thinks they’re at the Super Bowl.
42. A guest brags about the results while clapping in syllables.
43. Another weave is snatched.
44. Commercial break cam footage.
45. Guests try to work things out during the commercial break.
46. EVERYONE IS CRYING.
47. Maury shows fake compassion for guests.
48. Everyone feels bad for the children.
49. Melodramatic ending credits with slow-motion footage as you relive and regret the past hour of your life.
50. “On the next episode of Maury…”
- The Dakota Access Pipeline will no longer cross the Standing Rock Sioux reservation, a major victory for protesters.
- The death toll from Oakland's warehouse party fire has risen to 30. "We're still not done," a police official said Friday afternoon.
- The far-right candidate in Austria's election has lost the presidential race in a defeat for the global populist movement.
- Instead of ornaments, a women decorated her Christmas tree with paper angels honoring the biggest stars who died in 2016 🎄