Everyone loves and remembers the board game Guess Who?
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And let's face it, you were totally judging the looks of each character every time you played.
Well three qualified gay men took time out of their busy, fabulous lives to rank the mysterious men of Guess Who? by level of hotness, so you wouldn't have to!
CHRISTIAN: Let's just say Bill is the kind of guy who's probably excited that he gets to play with children all day.
SAM: He looks like a cross between an elf and Shakespeare. And those eyebrows? Beyond tragic. Also, can we talk about how he has a goatee AND that little chin fluff? Going a little overboard, no?
IRA: I didn't watch American Horror Story: Freak Show for a reason.
CHRISTIAN: Look, big ears give you something to hold onto while — you know — but Max has these dead eyes I just can't overlook! Max needs to max out his credit cards for a new look. Next.
SAM: Oh look, it's the long-lost brother of Mario and Luigi! All kidding aside, I think we can all agree on something: Max is NOT a looker. And that's fine. Not everyone was meant to be a hottie. But that means this nottie deserves to be at the bottom of this list.
IRA: You won't get away with this Dick Tracy, ya see? Me and my goons have got tommy guns! We've taken Breathless Mahoney hostage! *devolves into 1940s gangster speak*
CHRISTIAN: I hope Herman is her man, not mine. However he's not totally out of the question, just depends on the number of commas in his bank account.
SAM: I mean, there's nothing WRONG with Herman, aside from that bald spot. His eyes, nose, and pretty much everything are fine. I just can't envision someone named Herman being hot, can you? Like I feel like if you're a Herman, you pop out of the womb fully formed and 45 years old and like to wear tweed.
IRA: He literally looks like the owner of a funeral home who masturbates nightly in occupied caskets. Which, I mean, I could get into if he weren't bald.
CHRISTIAN: This bald doppelgänger of Colonel Sanders looks like he just farted extremely loud in a quiet library. I'm all about older men, but Sam is lacking the confidence needed to make up for his probable erectile dysfunction.
SAM: Ugh, what a disappointment to Sams everywhere! Sam actually kind of has a geek chic daddy thing going on, but you just KNOW he's like, 5' 6" and drives a sports car to compensate for his Napoleon complex. Sorry bud, but hard pass.
IRA: Why is Sam so low? His half-smirk is serving you "I Have Opinions About You And They Are Not Positive."
CHRISTIAN: Listen. I have a thing for butt chins, like I'd rim them all day, but NOT Alex's. Maybe it's the Ashley Tisdale nose job that's throwing me off. IDK.
SAM: Oh Alex. So much promise, but you really fail to deliver. He's rocking that super-creepy look, like he wants to meet you at some seedy motel for a "romantic" evening. He's definitely the type of guy who doesn't wash the sheets.
IRA: Someone please snatch Alex's wig/whatever pubic hair he glued to his head.
CHRISTIAN: Alfred looks like me when I wake up the morning after I take a giant shot of NyQuil. He's super unimpressed with life and would much rather be a character in Clue killing someone with a candlestick.
SAM: Shave that caterpillar mustache and then we'll talk.
IRA: Is he a cook? He looks like a cook. He could grill my hot dog if you know what I mean. Actually, I don't know what I mean…that was gross.
CHRISTIAN: I'm all about She's All That-ing nerds, but I don't trust people with terrible eyebrows; they throw me off. *Flips down image*
SAM: Poor Tom! He seems like a genuinely nice guy — he definitely pays his taxes on time — but like, those eyebrows are doing NOTHING for him. And can anyone say Rogaine?
IRA: Where. Are. His. Eyebrows?
CHRISTIAN: Elongated like a giraffe, you know Eric is hung like one too. Too bad he comes across like a boring Frenchman only interested in croquette, not my baguette.
SAM: This looks like the Keebler Elf and Jay Leno had a love child. That nose and that chin could literally cut a diamond. NOPE.
IRA: Eric looks like a Great Dane dressed up like a human being. He threw on a hat so no one could tell, BUT I CAN TELL.
CHRISTIAN: Frans is your high school best friend's little brother that you weirdly wanted to steal the innocence from — which is totally a good thing. However, the Great Clips haircut knocks him out of the top 10.
SAM: I mean, he's pretty vanilla. Nothing to write home about but I also ain't mad. And you know the curtains match the drapes.
IRA: Is he a henchman in a Bond film?
CHRISTIAN: If it were up to me, Bernard and his lederhosen would be ranked way higher. Now this could just be my German ancestry speaking, but I'd eat his German cake all night long.*
*Rimming reference
SAM: Bernard is serving me some Downton Abbey realness right now, and I'm here for it. You know he's a little uppity though, and refuses to be called Bernie — ONLY Bernard.
IRA: How much did Milton Bradley pay Getty Images to get this photo of Anne Hathway throwing on a summer hat and traipsing through a farmer's market?
CHRISTIAN: Charles' middle part is the epitome of tragic and you can totally tell he's not into rimming, which is too problematic for my taste.
SAM: OK, so it looks like someone took a bottle of mustard and squirted two little "eyebrows" onto his face. Also, the middle part? What is this, 1974? Hire a stylist, Charles. We know you come from money.
IRA: I like the facial hair, it's good for painting with a facial, if you know what I mean. But his crazy eyes make him seem like he'd try to gnaw my penis off.
CHRISTIAN: I don't mind George, but I'm afraid I'm gonna take him home (after a senior discounted meal at Hometown Buffet) and that gray hair-beret combo will turn out to be just a glued-on wig.
SAM: George looks like he belongs on the golf course, and you know he drives a Porsche and has a swanky country club membership. Look, the guy has aged well, there's no doubt about it.
IRA: George looks like he's going to invite me to some Lower East Side reading of an adaptation of a Sam Shepard play he's been working on since his graduate acting thesis at the Tisch School of the Arts — and I'm so not here for that. (He could get it if he takes off the beret though.)
CHRISTIAN: Paul is that guy I want to end up with after my first husband dies and I'm living with three other older women in Miami, Florida — aka when I'm Rose from The Golden Girls. He has a gentle smile, which obviously means he has a giant dick.
SAM: Paul looks like he invented some computer chip in 1988, became a billionaire, and now spends his time yachting and running his NBA team. I'm totally here for it. Own that silver fox look, Paul!
IRA: Who picked this man that doubles as a Jessica Fletcher drag queen in West Hollywood to be anywhere near the top 10?
CHRISTIAN: David is totally that hitchhiker making his way to Colorado to start his own weed business. And because I'm from Colorado, I'm ready to inhale that juicy blunt of his immediately.
SAM: David looks like he should be doing lines of coke with Andy Warhol in The Factory. Honey, it's 2015: UPGRADE YOUR LOOK. He's a 5, tops, right now, but under that shaggy mane, you know there is a 6.5 or maybe a 7 hiding!
IRA: If David were a ginger, he'd be everything to me with this mountain man, slide into my tent like Jack Twist look. I bet he's got a tattoo sleeve, doesn't he? Jesus Christ, I need some water.
CHRISTIAN: Peter has lips built for blow jobs, the only reason we allowed Sam to rank him so high.
SAM: IMO, Peter should have been ranked even higher, but these thots wouldn't let me. He's like a poor man's Anderson Cooper. You know he enjoys the finer things in life — fine wine, dark chocolate, and he definitely drives a car that requires premium gasoline. I'm so here for it.
IRA: He's got some real DSLs — Dick-Sucking Lips.
CHRISTIAN: Joe is that high school English teacher you wanted to bang after class in your ass...igned seat. I've never been one to throb over blonds or poetry, but Joe could totally sit on my face while he recites his favorite Shakespeare sonnet.
SAM: Joe's a 7, but behind those glasses is a 10 when it comes to personality. He might seem soft-spoken, but he takes what he wants, no questions asks. He's definitely into eating healthy and going to the gym. He's someone you want to grow old with. Or at least, he can grow old and you can be his gold digger. Either works.
IRA: I think he was one of my college professors.
CHRISTIAN: It might be my daddy issues talking, but Richard is the ULTIMATE Guess Who? thot. Sure, Richard is balder than a twink's sack, but he's a whole lot of man. I can already picture Richie feeding me grapes next to a fireplace as I lay across his bare, fury legs and his hung lil' Richard.
SAM: Richard looks like a James Bond villain. Listen, I'm going to be honest here: Richard is a bit of a fixer-upper. Namely, he looks like Mr. Clean, but if a preschooler drew facial hair on him. It's not a cute look. Fix that situation, and we might have a keeper.
IRA: Sometimes you just need a guy with a shiny bald head you can rub and massage like a prophecy-wielding crystal ball.
CHRISTIAN: Robert is totally not my type, but I can see how this polished power-bottom would appeal to the Sam Stryker gay breed. Bottoms up, Bobby!
SAM: OK, so in my perfect world, Robert would be No. 1. He's got amazing eyes, a healthy head of hair, and you know he majored in something like econ at an Ivy or Notre Dame, and probably played quarterback on his high school football team. And that smile! So cheeky. He's the All-American total package.
IRA: I am not on board with this rosy-cheeked host of a child predator television show, but whatever, I guess he appeals to these other two.
CHRISTIAN: Just looking at Philip, you know he's got a closet full of sex swings and cock rings in assorted colors. That eyebrow arch demands dominance and gets me self-lubricating. I'm ready for him to fill my lips then abandon me panting on the floor after he's finished, probably to resume play with that power-bottom Robert.
SAM: Let the record show that Philip was NOT my choice for No. 1. Listen, I don't care HOW much money he has in his offshore bank account on the Cayman Islands — he looks like he could murder you in your sleep, and not in the sexy way. But I guess there could be worse choices for No. 1.
IRA: Philip is giving me young Stefano DiMera and I am HERE FOR IT. He can kidnap me, whisk me away to an island, and brainwash me all night long.
