You all know Cinderella's Fairy Godmother as the woman who bibbidi-bobbidi-booped and changed Cinderella's fate for the better...
Well #disbitch is actually the laziest, most IDIOTIC fairy godmother to EVER have existed and should be completely BANNED from ever serving another orphan girl.
To start off, we first meet this so-called "Fairy Godmother" when Cinderella's distress (over her inability to go to the ball) summoned her.
Cinderella has no fucking CLUE who this woman is, which is a little surprising because aren't Fairy Godmothers supposed to protect you your whole life? ESPECIALLY those who have lived a life like Cinderella?
Anyway, after this "fairy" just nonchalantly shows up to help Cinderella get to the ball, SHE CAN'T EVEN FIND HER FUCKING WAND.
YOU HAD ONE JOB, GODMOTHER.
After retracing her steps, she ends up finding her wand, and thinks, HMMM YOU KNOW WHAT CINDY NEEDS? SHE NEEDS A CARRIAGE MADE OUT OF A FUCKING PUMPKIN.
After she uses her limitless sorcery to make a carriage OUT OF A PUMPKIN, she decides it should be pulled by MICE TURNED INTO HORSES.
... And during all of this, there was LITERALLY a horse right next to her that she could have just made into a better, prettier horse to pull the carriage.
So then this ~vigilant~ fairy finally notices the horse and decides he would make a PERFECT coachman.
Yeah, Fairy Godmother, LET'S PUT A HORSE-HUMAN IN CHARGE OF MICE-HORSES TO GET CINDERELLA TO THE BALL SAFELY. THIS WILL END WELL.
AND THEN she decides to turn a dog into a human too, serving no purpose whatsoever.
But most importantly, let's NOT forget that this "Godmother" was about to PEACE OUT until Cindy was all like, "WHAT ABOUT MY DRESS, BITCH?!?!?!?!"
THERE YOU GO. WAS THAT SO HARD, GODMOTHER?
And then, to make it all just a TOTAL FLOPPAGE, this WORTHLESS fairy decides to put A TIME LIMIT on everything and is basically like, "TAKE BACKSIES AT MIDNIGHT!"
So let's just collect our thoughts here for a second:
So Cinderella SOMEHOW manages to get to the ball safely and charms the ass off of Price Charming...
But then it gets dangerously close to midnight so Cinderella storms off in a hurry and her shoe slips off her foot...
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE GOTTEN THE PROPER GLASS SLIPPER SIZE FOR CINDERELLA? HUH, FAIRY FUCKIN' GODDAMNMOTHER!! ! ! ~! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!
So, because Cinderella's Fairy Godmother has no fuckin' clue what she's doing, girl is back to living in rags and ends up BEING LOCKED UP by her stepmother.
Meanwhile, this "Fairy Godmother" is NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.
All I'm sayin' is, if you can alter the DNA of a mouse to turn it into a FUCKING HORSE, you can magically unlock a door and get Cinderella out of her room.
I get that it all worked out and Cindy lived "happily ever after," or whatever, but why didn't this fairy speed up this process a little quicker with her magic stick? LIKE WHY WAIT TO SHOW UP UNTIL SHE'S UPSET ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GO TO A DANCE?
Because I mean, Cinderella went through a lot worse than not being able to go to the ball...
Like where was this Fairy Godmother when she was forced to scrub floors?
Where was this "Fairy Godmother" when she was being physically assulted by her stepfamily?!?
Or say, I don't know, WHEN BOTH HER MOTHER AND FATHER DIED?! WHERE THE FUCK WAS THIS GODMOTHER!!!!!?!?! !! ! !!
I'm sorry homefairy, but you could have bibbibi-bobbidi-booped Cinderella a better life A LONG ASS TIME before you actually did. And because of that, you are the ABSOLUTE WORST Fairy Godmother to have ever existed.