Selena Gomez finally released the music video for her summer bop "Bad Liar" (if you don't think it's a bop, please close this tab, s'il vous plaît), and BOYOHBOY, is there a lot to unpack/digest in this ’70s-themed Jerry Springer-esque plot:
First of all, this is one of those music videos where the singer plays every main character. So let's do a quick roll call of the characters Selena plays:
The totally far-out video starts off with student-Selena arriving to school while her fellow peers are staring at her like she's got some leftover McNuggets in her teeth. SOMETHING IS UP! What do they know???
Then we find Selena in science class — there's something heavy on her mind! She looks outside her classroom window to find a woman in a car (aka Selena in Farrah Fawcett wig), throwing her a quick wave and smile. Who is she? Why does she have Selena's face? Did everyone in the ’70s have Selena Gomez's face?
A man approaches the woman's car and begins to be rather ~flirty~ with her. Selena is intrigued...
...AND OH MY GOD, IT'S SELENA GOMEZ IN DRAG!!!! Who is he? Why does he also have Selena's face? Are those two Selena's parents? Clones? Is that Eric Forman from That '70s Show?
He waved! Man-Selena knows student-Selena — CONFIRMED. ✅✅✅
OK, so from here the plot starts to get MESSY. Student-Selena stumbles upon man-Selena being super flirty with Selarrah Fawcettna in the school stairwell. At this point, I'm assuming they both work at the school. But why does Selena have a vested interest in these two's interactions? Why is she sleuthing?! Is she trying to solve a crime? Is she an aspiring member of the Scooby-Doo gang?
OH FUCK! Selarrah Fawcettna sees Selena! Selena runs! DRAMA! Everyone is shook.
So now Selena is in gym class playing basketball. And here's when we start to figure some things out! Based on her ~distracted~ gaze, Selena is either crushing on Selarrah Fawcettna or she just really loves her hair. Also, this must make her Selena's gym teacher!!! WOWOOWOWOWWOW.
Meanwhile, a new ~adult~ character played by Selena (woman-Selena) picks up man-Selena from the school. She looks...mad? If they're together, it feels loveless.
They head home and begin to eat dinner when student Selena walks in... drama! This is TOTALLY Selen'a fam, WHICH MEANS her dad (man-Selena) must be cheating on his wife (woman-Selena) with Selena's gym teacher (Selarrah Fawcettna). THIS IS SOME JERRY SPRINGER SHIT!!!!
And you know what? I think all of her peers were staring at her in the hallway like she had some leftover McNuggets in her teeth because they totally knew her dad (who might be the principal of her school?) is fucking the gym teacher! SCANDAL!
Selena runs off to her room (because her dad is cheating on her mom with her gym teacher) and now we get a peek into student Selena's personal life. She has posters of strong women all over her wall (NO MEN!), including some knock-off Charlie's Angels...
...and is that Taylor Swift's face?
Anway, Selena is dancing all free spirit-y when her mom comes a-knockin', so she pretends that she's asleep on her bed andWAITAMINUTE. IS THAT???
UH, YES. IT'S A POLAROID OF HER GYM TEACHER WHO'S LOW-KEY FUCKING HER DAD!!!!
AND OH MY GOD. SHE LOVES IT! SHE'S TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH SELARRAH FAWCETTNA — AKA HER GYM TEACHER!!!
..........AND THEN IT JUST ENDS! WHAT!
TL;DR I'm pretty sure Selena Gomez has a crush on her female gym teacher who's low-key fucking her dad!!! A MESS OF A SITUATION!
Oh, I think there may be a Pt. II coming? "Fetish"? Single No. 2? I hope so because I gotta see how this ends!