YES, YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY — I WATCHED FUCKING DR. IAN MALCOLM CLIP JAMES FRANCO'S VELOCIRAPTOR. Here's how my life led me to this glorious/horrifying moment:
Earlier this month, I was invited to Hilarity for Charity's annual variety show to raise awareness and money to benefit the Alzheimer’s Association. Each year has a theme, and this year's theme was "James Franco's Bar Mitzvah," BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT?
As you can imagine, some pretty fucking funny people showed up to see James become a man. Like Bill Hader...
Lauren and Seth Rogen...
...and Miley Cyrus as a flower, because why wouldn't she be at James Franco's bar mitzvah?
For the most part, the event was literally the definition of chutzpah. Vodka-centered drinks named after James were the main beverages at all the bars...
...while temporary tattoos of Seth's and James' faces awaited everyone who entered.
You could write a congratulatory note on James' 34-year-old face about "finally coming a man..."
...or you could draw a penis attempting to enter his mouth. Whatever you preferred, really.
As one would only expect, the show opened with quite a shebang. Seth Rogen kicked things off by performing a rather animated rendition of “Tradition” (dressed as Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof) with the help of dancers dressed as shtetl peasants.
During this performance, I looked down at the table I was sitting at in attempt to take in my surroundings. There was an unabashed napkin that read "Save this for the circumcision."
I glanced back from the napkin to see Seth dancing. I thought for sure I hadn't woken up from my NyQuil-induced slumber from the night prior. But no, this was real life and this was only a taste of what was to come.
After a touching speech by Lauren Miller Rogen that loosened everyone's wallets, the show dove into the live auction. Unexpectedly, the auction was quite hilarious as Bill Hader tried to "help" auction off the packages with a professional auctioneer.
Although all I could imagine was how many times I could pay off my student loans with the amount of money being nonchalantly yelled, the event raked in over $2.5 million in donations to help those with Alzheimer’s disease.
When James made his anticipated debut onstage, he made it clear he wasn't responsible for anything he did before this moment of "becoming a man." As he explained, he was "just a boy with the cognitive capacity of a minor."
He was then hoisted up on a chair while HAIM (YES — HAIM) sang "Hava Nagila." I had no idea what was going on (I grew up on the opposite religion spectrum as a Mormon), but literally EVERYONE got up and started dancing everywhere. So I did too.
THEN THE UNEXPECTED HAPPENED. Seth worryingly came out onstage to express his concern over James' uncircumcised penis. He insisted that Jamesbe cut at that very moment and called out "Rabbi Goldblum" (AKA JEFF FUCKING GOLDBLUM) to do the honors.
James agreed, BUT only if his foreskin was allowed to say its goodbyes. It just so happens his foreskin was ZAC EFRON.
Surprisingly, the procedure was quick and seemed painless (probably because JEFF GOLDBLUM). Zac Efron (the foreskin) was then thrown into the audience, obviously. YAY FORESKIN!
This brings us back to the beginning of our story when this face was the only expression I could make. And now you understand why.
What was my life? I had no idea, but before I could even reflect................... MILEY CYRUS IN A METALLIC-BLUE-THONG-LEOTARD-THINGY CAME OUT AND STARTED SINGING RICK JAMES' "SUPER FREAK."
After Miley's 🍑 stole the bar mitzvah spotlight, she launched into a quick rendition of her own hit "We Can't Stop," dedicated "Your Man" to James, then closed the entire thing with an energetic cover of “Shout” by Lulu...
...which ended up with everyone at the event mobbing the stage and drunkenly jumping up and down with Miley and James.
I think Miley might've even bit a leg? IDK.
Then, right when I was finally getting adjusted to the chaotic fun mess as I jumped up and down with Miley, it was suddenly over. I survived James Franco's bar mitzvah...barely.
I'll always look back at this and wonder if it was a lucid NyQuil dream. Regardless, I'll always have the image of Jeff Goldbum "cutting off" James Franco's foreskin (in the name of charity) engraved in my head. And that, ladies and mensch, is priceless.