Today is the ninth coming of our lord and savior, Britney Jean Nasty Bitch Mommy Spears.
You probably saw Brit's ninth studio album Glory descend from the heavens this morning. ICYMI, here's the moment Britney dropped the newest doctrine from the skies captured on an iPhone 6:
And EVERY publication is praising its hymns — including Rolling Stone:
If you turned your back on Brit after Britney Jean, SHE FORGIVES YOU AND STILL LOVES YOU. Now's your chance to come back to the Church of Godney through the power of Glory.
But where should you start? GOOD QUESTION!!! After all, there are 17 FLAWLESS TRACKS!
Here's a track-by-track Glory rundown based on previous Britney hits so you can choose which songs to re-baptise yourself with:
1. "Invitation" = "Everytime"
2. "Do You Wanna Come Over?" = "I Wanna Go"
me & my best friend getting ready for our Grindr hookups #DoYouWannaComeOver
Basicallney: A dance floor–ready hit that could sit with "Toxic" and "Circus."
Most similar to: "I Wanna Go" and "Gimme More"
3. "Make Me..." = "Inside Out"
4. "Private Show" = "Lace and Leather"
5. "Man on the Moon" = "Sometimes"
6. "Just Luv Me" = "Breathe On Me"
7. "Clumsy" = "Hold It Against Me"
when you hear Britney say the "ooops" in Clumsy
Basicallney: A quirky and unexpected pop bang-ah that'll have you literally banging all over the bedroom.
Most similar to: "Hold It Against Me" and "Till the World Ends"
8. "Slumber Party" = "Slave 4 U"
Britney Spears - Slumber Party.m4a
Basicallney: A bed moaner made hotter with a reggae twist.
Most similar to: "I'm a Slave 4 U" and "The Hook Up"
9. "Just Like Me" = "Out From Under"
10. "Love Me Down" = "Piece of Me"
11. "Hard to Forget Ya" = "(You Drive Me) Crazy"
12. "What You Need" = "Outrageous"
13. "Better" = "Oops!"
Me listening to #Glory after Better
Basicallney: 2017's future song of the summer that sounds just as familiar as it sounds fresh.
Most similar to: "Oops!... I Did It Again" and "That's Where You Take Me"
14. "Change Your Mind (No Seas Cortes)" = "Criminal"
#GloryOutNow
Basicallney: Britney has never sounded more sensual in this Spanish-influenced tango of a song.
Most similar to: "Criminal" and "Ooh Ooh Baby"
15. "Liar" = "Stronger"
me listening to #Glory
Basicallney: Britney's latest breakup anthem takes on an unexpected country-pop sound that could easily fit into Carrie Underwood's discography.
Most similar to: "Stronger" and "Womanizer"
16. "If I'm Dancing" = "Me Against the Music"
This is why #ImWithHer
Basicallney: A seriously fun dance-pop track that'll leave you wondering what color your chakra is.
Most similar to: "Me Against the Music" and "Toy Soldier"
17. "Coupure Électrique" = "Unusual You"
Welcome back to the Britney Army! #BuyGloryOniTunes.
