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Posted on Aug 26, 2016

Britney Spears' New Album Will Make You Return To The Church Of Godney

Welcome back. Let me be your guide.

Today is the ninth coming of our lord and savior, Britney Jean Nasty Bitch Mommy Spears.

You probably saw Brit's ninth studio album Glory descend from the heavens this morning. ICYMI, here's the moment Britney dropped the newest doctrine from the skies captured on an iPhone 6:

If you turned your back on Brit after Britney Jean, SHE FORGIVES YOU AND STILL LOVES YOU. Now's your chance to come back to the Church of Godney through the power of Glory.

But where should you start? GOOD QUESTION!!! After all, there are 17 FLAWLESS TRACKS!

RCA

Here's a track-by-track Glory rundown based on previous Britney hits so you can choose which songs to re-baptise yourself with:

1. "Invitation" = "Everytime"

Twitter: @britneyspeans

Basicallney: A hazy ballad that'll make you feel like Britney just washed away your sins with her angelic purrs and delivery.

Most similar to: "Everytime" and "Trip to Your Heart"

2. "Do You Wanna Come Over?" = "I Wanna Go"

me & my best friend getting ready for our Grindr hookups #DoYouWannaComeOver

Basicallney: A dance floor–ready hit that could sit with "Toxic" and "Circus."

Most similar to: "I Wanna Go" and "Gimme More"

3. "Make Me..." = "Inside Out"

Twitter: @slavee4godney

Basicallney: A melodic sex-riddled bop you could also walk down the aisle to.

Most similar to: "Inside Out" and "Heaven on Earth"

4. "Private Show" = "Lace and Leather"

Twitter: @mattstopera

Basicallney: A doo-wopin' indie deep cut with a million different sides of Spears' voice.

Most similar to: "Lace and Leather" and "Soda Pop"

5. "Man on the Moon" = "Sometimes"

Twitter: @tippanyonce

Basicallney: A warm mid-tempo that'll take you back to Britney's debut album while you're dreaming of your man on the moon. (Plus, Frenchney!)

Most similar to: "Sometimes" and "How I Roll"

6. "Just Luv Me" = "Breathe On Me"

Twitter: @Christian_Zamo

Basicallney: An instaconic Britney smasha oozing with Spears' trademark breathy delivery.

Most similar to: "Breathe on Me" and "Early Mornin'"

7. "Clumsy" = "Hold It Against Me"

when you hear Britney say the "ooops" in Clumsy

Basicallney: A quirky and unexpected pop bang-ah that'll have you literally banging all over the bedroom.

Most similar to: "Hold It Against Me" and "Till the World Ends"

8. "Slumber Party" = "Slave 4 U"

Basicallney: A bed moaner made hotter with a reggae twist.

Most similar to: "I'm a Slave 4 U" and "The Hook Up"

9. "Just Like Me" = "Out From Under"

Twitter: @GothSiren

Basicallney: A stripped-down Britney belts and coos heart-wrenching lyrics of catching her lover in bed with another woman in this hypnotic mid-tempo.

Most similar to: "Out From Under" and "Breathe on Me"

10. "Love Me Down" = "Piece of Me"

twitter.com

Basicallney: An earworm that could thrive in Gwen or Fergie's discography with a dirty drop and even dirtier lyrics.

Most similar to: "Piece of Me" and "Circus"

11. "Hard to Forget Ya" = "(You Drive Me) Crazy"

Twitter: @BritRick09

Basicallney: A pure Britney track straight out of the early '00s that'll remind you why you first started listening to Britney.

Most similar to: "(You Drive Me) Crazy" and "Overprotected"

12. "What You Need" = "Outrageous"

Twitter: @Adam_Raza

Basicallney: Britney drops straight out of early American Bandstand days in this unexpected soulful showcase of vocal abilities.

Most similar to: "Outrageous" and "If U Seek Amy"

13. "Better" = "Oops!"

Me listening to #Glory after Better

Basicallney: 2017's future song of the summer that sounds just as familiar as it sounds fresh.

Most similar to: "Oops!... I Did It Again" and "That's Where You Take Me"

14. "Change Your Mind (No Seas Cortes)" = "Criminal"

Basicallney: Britney has never sounded more sensual in this Spanish-influenced tango of a song.

Most similar to: "Criminal" and "Ooh Ooh Baby"

15. "Liar" = "Stronger"

Basicallney: Britney's latest breakup anthem takes on an unexpected country-pop sound that could easily fit into Carrie Underwood's discography.

Most similar to: "Stronger" and "Womanizer"

16. "If I'm Dancing" = "Me Against the Music"

Basicallney: A seriously fun dance-pop track that'll leave you wondering what color your chakra is.

Most similar to: "Me Against the Music" and "Toy Soldier"

17. "Coupure Électrique" = "Unusual You"

Twitter: @tristankurtz

Basicallney: Britney's literally singing an entire song in FRENCH. (Not to mention the song's title translates to "Blackout.")

Most similar to: "Unusual You" and "Mannequin"

Welcome back to the Britney Army! #BuyGloryOniTunes.

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