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For Anyone Who Has Been Personally Victimized By Mario Kart's Blue Shell

I'd rather get blue-balled than blue-shelled.

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You completely changed the game. First place was now plagued with stress and anxiety — IT WAS NO LONGER A SAFE PLACE FOR WINNERS. Losers became winners and winners became losers.

The top spot was now like a government testing zone for nuclear weapons. Each track's hills now had eyes — eyes that once belonged to the fallen racers in first place...ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

As time went on, your means of torture only became more and more cruel. You were given the gift of wings in Mario Kart: Double Dash!!, thus giving you the ability to fly straight to first place to blow them up.

In the latest Mario Kart incarnation, you were not only able to fly straight to the first place kart WITHOUT WINGS, but you were able to fly so low to the ground that you could flip over any kart that got in your way. YOU'RE A MEAN MEAN GIRL.


One day, you will realize the trauma you've caused. Until then, this is for all my people who finished in second or third ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR TYRANNY.

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