1. Why are there so many iPhone covers everywhere?
2. Why are we all addicted to Boost Juice?
It's like healthy crystal meth.
3. Why is there always a car parked near the food court?
4. Why does the food court always make us feel like we've walked into a French existentialist novel about urban alienation?
5. Who is buying all the giant lollipops?
6. What is this mysterious circle made of bins, potted palms, benches and slip hazard signs?
Are you trying to summon a mall demon?
7. Why does every Myer mannequin look like an X Factor runner-up?
Those pineapples are also on point.
8. Why would you build two Coles a few metres away from each other?
At Melbourne's Northcote Plaza.
9. Why is Westfield Woden looking so damn classy today?
It is Gina Liano in mall form.
10. Why don't you employ piano players in tuxedos all year round, rather than just at Christmas?
Now that shit is classy.
11. What made you think you could rebrand your escalator as a "Moving Catwalk"?
It's a bloody escalator.
12. When did Sydney's Centrepoint turn into Studio 54?
We keep expecting to run into Andy Warhol doing Quaaludes in the toilets.
13. Why don't you use those giant screens to play something awesome, like reruns of Heartbreak High?
14. Who is buying these sick beatz?
1995 called ... it wants its $29.99 Silverchair CD back.
15. Do you realise the logo for this ugg boot store looks like a dick and balls?
16. Why doesn't Tree of Life sell bongs?
It would pretty much be stoner paradise.
17. Why does it feel so good to say "Hairhouse Warehouse"?
18. WTF even is this place?
19. Why does every newly renovated mall need to be bigger than the Imperial Senate in Star Wars?
I just came for an iPhone cover and a Boost Juice, but you made me walk 14 kilometres.
20. What exactly is a Hyperdome?
It sounds like a futuristic combat arena from a Young Adult novel.
21. Seriously, what's with all the boy bands?
22. Why is someone always being a dickhead in the car park?
23. Why do we always feel like curling up in the fetal position on the big couch outside Target?
Just want to lie there and drink my Boost Juice.
24. How hungover is Jaffydog, the jaffle shop mascot?
25. Does Chadstone Shopping Centre realise it would be the ideal location for the start of a zombie apocalypse?
26. Why is it called Michel's Patisserie when it was founded by two blokes called Noel?
It's about as French as a Cheesymite Scroll.
27. How are you able to sell these sloppy joes for just $9.95?
Many Aussie clothing retailers don't pay living wages to their overseas workers, according to a recent highly critical report.
28. Why do the "plants" at the top of the escalators always look like they're about to cry?
