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21 Harsh Truths Every Coffee Snob Needs To Hear

Hold onto your soy piccolo lattes.

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1. A latte is just a flat white in a goddamn glass.

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Stop acting like there's a subtle difference.

2. Nobody cares that you went overseas and the coffee was undrinkable. If it's that important, you should never have left Melbourne.

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3. Sugar shaming is never OK.

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4. Your favorite hipster café could be a McDonald's and you may not even know it.

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5. When people say expresso instead of espresso, you need to be the better person.

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In return, we'll let it slide when you say double riz.

6. Coffee "tasting notes" are totally subjective.

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Just like wine tasting.

7. Coffee doesn't taste better if you brew it in a whimsical contraption.

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8. If you really cared about taste, you'd drink out of blue cups.

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A blue cup has been shown to make coffee taste less bitter than a white one.

9. Drinking coffee so strong that it causes chemical burns doesn't prove your masculinity.

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That's what your beard is for.

10. You aren't a scientist and you don't need a laboratory flask.

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11. Latte art often lacks creative discipline.

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But not this 3D latte art cat.

12. Buying fair trade coffee is awesome, but shouldn't be a substitute for giving to charity.

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Helping those in poor nations – including millions of coffee farmers likely to be hit hard by climate change – requires more than just ethical consumption.

13. A much easier way to make cold brew is to leave your mug on your desk overnight and drink it in the morning.

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14. Putting butter in coffee is not a thing.

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And it's based on dubious science.

16. Generally speaking, you need to dial it down a couple notches because everything's getting a little crazy.

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17. Like the Sydney café that banned food because it's a "distraction".

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Artificer café in Surry Hills "serves no food at all," explains one review. "No distractions means that the focus is on the product."

18. And coffee prices that are totally unhinged from reality.

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Columbian "HR61" coffee was recently sold in Melbourne for $30 a cup. To be fair, scientists have found that a high price actually makes us think stuff tastes better.

19. You need to realise that instant is not a crime.

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20. That the rest of us all live happy and fulfilling lives without ever worrying about microfoam.

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