1. Where do I redeem all these bonus points I've earned?
3. They call me brownies because I'm terrible for you and packed full of chocolate right now.
4. I'm really good at math because You + Me = Love. OK, so I might've lied because there's a lot of variables that I've left unaccounted for in that equation. I'm pretty good at metaphors.
5. Must love dogs. Or cats. On second thought, must not hate or torture animals — just tryin' to avoid Ted Bundy, y'know?
7. If someone makes another "Looks like we got a full house in here" joke, I'm going to lose my shit. This is a joke about how we are both reading this in the bathroom, ha ha ha, OK, c u l8r
8. CA > CHI > CSI > NBC > FDA > FL > USPS > NYC
10. I've been gifted the incredible ability to accurately guess people's heights both when I don't care and when they provide it on their profile. Magic is real!!
(This is here because it's good and relevant, not because I've quoted it — but you can and should.)
12. Honestly, I'm not really ready to commit to a partnership in crime, my mom and I would prefer my life remain outside of prison. Any interest in dating?
13. You and I together can be like Tribe Called Quest: critically acclaimed and secretly everyone's favorite group, but rarely heard or seen at all the worst events.
14. I would call myself a beach bum, but I'mma leave being a butthead to you.
15. If I was any good at grammar I'd tell you how grammatically incorrect this sentence is.
16. I'll walk right up to my ex, look him dead in the face and say, "You ain't got the juice like that, you ain't got the juice like that!" That's cold, ice cold, maaan, I ain't gotta do 'im like that.
17. You know, I would tell you I have wanderlust, but real lust is intense enough without getting all hot and bothered for wandering around like a hobo.
18. You are what you eat so I'm good food and male tears.
19. One of the most important lyrics ever written goes, "Go read a book you illiterate son of a bitch and step up your vocab." Bun B is the poet we all need.
20. Outchea ending all my workouts and some of my sentences like I'm in a Rick Ross music video, UNGH.
21. I'mma be ya Shonda Rhimes because I got the power to take over your whole night like it's #tgit
23. For the same price, you can get ten tees at Walmart, three collared shirts at Old Navy, or one collared shirt at Vineyard Vines and approximately one million eye rolls. Which do you pick?!
24. No, see, the thing about feminism is that either you like being around females and support them or you're just another asshole making life harder for them.
25. Zen koan: When the burrito meets my face, they are friends.
26. Did you know that the universe is both infinite and infinitely expanding? Yeah, I mean, compared to that, cool shirtless selfie, I guess?
27. Just another girl who's got it all together, and "it" is a a tornado that got into my career and everything I own and tossed it around my house like a bad salad, help.
28. Oh man, the weather outside sure is weather, right?! Wanna either go experience it or try to avoid it entirely with my friend, Netflix?
30. I believe it was a great philosopher (Amy Schumer) who said something along the lines of, sure, sex is good and important, but, also, so are conversations. Do you like talking about stuff?
31. Hey, wanna build a Yoknapatawpha County with me?
32. My life is dedicated to figuring out whether DJ Khaled is the smartest man on earth or a special education student with more luck than seven horseshoes underneath a double rainbow and a rabbit's foot. Another one.
33. I like my men like I like my submarines: no, I wasn't going to say long, dark, and underwater, or make a sailor pun — just reliable, self-sufficient, and seaworthy.
35. There was a time when spinning tires were more important than the car itself, but, listen, accoutrement don't mean the engine work, nahmean? Like, do you even love your family, man?
36. Belieber in the streets but a reader in the sheets. Right now. Because dating's only OK so far. "Sorry," ha ha ha.
37. Just trying to be someone's beard. Wait, not like the best way for a man to pretend he's not gay, but just to kiss your face a lot. Because the other beard thing...I dunno, that's a lot of pretty intense commitment; it's 2015, who is keeping you from being yourself?
38. I'm illiterate and so can we!¡¡!1!!
39. I can be your Bond girl (perpetually in fashion but also ready to disappear at any moment because of your continuously undiagnosed mental issues and tendency for unwarranted violence).
40. Honestly, how many MCs must get dissed?!
41. Born and raised somewhere, but not really sure how any of that explains who I am as a conscious adult with more interests than intersections.
43. We need to talk about Friendly Fires and if you want them to make another album because if not, you're part of the problem.
44. You hold your tongue before you talk like that about Juanes in front of me.
45. The moral quandary our generation might never surmount: Chris Brown is a great singer who just keeps on making straight hits, but he's also a walking piece of shit. How then shall we live?
46. Statuesque woman who moonlights as a statue, whoops, no one's supposed to know I'm a gargoyle, shhhhhhhhh, my story's never been on ABC, shhhhhhhhh!!!
47. I hope this isn't secretly a reality show because I'm here to at least make a couple new friends.
49. Whoa, CrossFit! Heck yes I want to know more! [*Screaming internally*]
50. If INOJ's "Love You Down" isn't being played at the wedding, I'm not going.
51. My nickname's The Ref because I don't tolerate none of that wack sports shit.
52. I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. Actually, I'm a firefighter, so I'm both. Then again, I'm not, so...I'm...a liar?
54. From testaments to Dante, hell can be scary and painful and haunting and, really, what you make it. But also, I saw a guy with an undercut that was in cornrows, and it's that.
55. Coffee, cocaine, kleptomania, cantankerous yelling, or just the first one and alliteration.
56. My mom thinks she spent too much on orthodontics for me to mean mug in all these photos. She is wrong.
57. People out here dropping the word "witty" in their bios like they trying to break it so no one else can use it.
58. Did you know that not looking a gift horse in the mouth meant checking to see how old it was? Anyway, I'm an 80-year-old grandma, sup with you?
59. I'm onboard if you like UGK as much as Drake.
60. I wouldn't trade one stupid decision for another five years of life.
61. I'm Tami if you're Coach.
62. I'm like a fine wine: I'm getting all your friends drunk, the only things I don't pair well with are driving and heavy machinery, and I'm delicious.
63. Call me sledgehammer because I'm trying to break the bank.
64. When in Rome, visit the basilicas and museums, drink the wine, eat the food, watch out for unruly motorcycles, and try to get out to Orvieto because it's gorgeous, man, what a classic saying!!
65. If optimism is for the young and cynicism is for the old, I'm trying to die at a ripe old age of never quite maturing.
67. Things that are good: denture adhesive, long-distance phone operators. Things that are bad: the hips and the hops, the unruly youths, the gyrating at the roller disco, the newfangled two-wheeled cycle (I'll believe it when I see it!!), all the lies I just told.
68. I always bring up sex, religion, and politics at social gatherings because I keep hearing one of them will finally work for me, research currently ongoing.
69. Some people ask what the point of life is and I ask, "But you've seen jokes before, right?" Be happy. That's it. Let's go life it up.