I, An American, Saw My First Panto, And Here Are My Questions

Oh, yes, I do.

1. Why is it called a pantomime?

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Preface: I am American. I am an American who studied theatre at an American university, so to me pantomime is the wordless action, and there was 0% wordless action in the Hackney Empire's joyous (and very loud and very musical) Jack and the Beanstalk. I get the Roman theatre history aspect (I STUDIED THEATRE REMEMBER), but facts are facts and calling it a pantomime is just not an accurate depiction of what it actually is. Sorry.

2. Why is panto a Christmas thing?

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Like 99% of the stories that pantos are based on (going off the advertisements I've seen for panto on the tube) are not Christmas stories, so pray tell, why have my childhood favourites been forced into snowy ice worlds? Peter Pan? Not a Christmas story folks. Snow White is her name, not the season the story takes place in, and don't even get me started on Aladdin.

3. Do you have to pay more for seats in the sweet-toss line of fire?

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I would just like to take a second to grumble about being sat in the stalls and still not getting a sweet OR a cool rubber ball toy when they were tossed into the audience. To be fair, I also narrowly missed being soaked with a water gun, so my seat's lack of proximity to the action wasn't a total bust.

4. Doesn't shouting at the stage make it hard to hear what's actually going on?

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I've always been an old lady when it comes to noise in theatre, so you can imagine I have the same question about The Rocky Horror Picture Show (which is like, basically a Halloween panto, right?).

5. Are panto performers superheroes who can't get distracted by flashing lights like other actors?

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Can I safely assume that because there was no "turn off your phones and cameras" warning, and plenty of kids waving around light-up swords that they bought in the venue, that panto actors are immune to that whole idea that you must turn your cameras off because the flash upsets the actors – or has the traditional theatre world been lying to me for all these years?

6. Also how do they hold a toothy grin for two+ hours?

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SO. MUCH. ENTHUSIASM. Panto actors are like real-life cartoon characters, and I mean that in the best way because I get tired of being cheerful after like 3 minutes, so respect to them.

7. Is there panto training in drama school?

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Is it a mystical course block where you learn how to maneuver about in massive petticoats, land sweets in the dress circle, and be more enthusiastic than the character actors at Disney World?

If it's real, don't tell me or I will forever regret my very (much too) serious method acting training.

8. Is bringing your own snacks an actual thing?

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Or was the woman behind me who dropped her Tesco sandwich under my chair and also WAS TALKING ON HER PHONE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE, actually just the worst?

9. Would it have been weird for me, as a childless adult, to get a flashing light toy?

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They reminded me of Disney on Ice shows and I won't lie, I was really tempted to treat myself to one.

10. Does ANYONE actually go to the panto for the plot?

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Right, so if you can't hear over the shouts, can't see over the flashing light toys, and can't focus because you're trying to retrieve that one piece of candy that landed in the aisle near you, can I assume it's safe to say you're not there to find out if the weird winterised version of your favourite fairy tale turns out OK?

11. Aren't children's shows supposed to be quite short?

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Don't get me wrong. Jack and the Beanstalk was actually delightful, but its run-time was also almost three hours long. Is that normal? I don't know – but the last time I saw a show that long it was Hamlet, and lbh, Jack and the Beanstalk is no epic meditation on life, death, and family dysfunction (or maybe I missed something.)

12. Do you even think about pantos as children's shows?

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There were a lot of childless adults there (a relief but also a mystery to me). And also a lot of innuendo. It was kind of like Dora the Explorer with more of a naughty streak, so I'm just a little confused.

13. How do crazy conservative parents not go off the rails about all the gender-bending?

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First off, don't get me wrong. Gender-blind casting is GREAT, I whole-heartedly love it. But I have to know. How is it that a regular panto trope has the principal boy played by a tightly dressed woman (but referred to throughout as a boy), and still pantomime is a beloved family tradition? TELL AMERICA YOUR SECRETS, BRITAIN, because trust me, in the States, One Million Moms would be all up in that, accusing every panto ever of confusing their children and furthering a liberal agenda. I promise you.

14. Why do the characters say hi and bye every time they enter and leave the scene?

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Like I see you. I saw you come in. I saw you leave. Is that not enough?

15. Are you for real about that song at the end?

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I thought I had made it. I thought I had successfully enjoyed the pantomime without having ever had to participate. And then this. Singing as a group? Standing up and DANCING in the aisles? I thought the theatre was a sacred place where I could cease to exist and the people on stage had to do all the work, and I won't lie to you, I felt really betrayed by this.

16. How do you convince yourself to attend something where you KNOW might be called up on stage to do something ridiculous?

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Year after year, you chose to participate in a tradition that sacrifices an innocent bystander to public humiliation on stage. Don't you realise YOU COULD BE NEXT?

17. Is Shrek basically the film version of a panto?

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Kind of rude twists on classic fairy tales and pop song parodies a plenty. Makes you think.

18. Don't the wacky audience participation bits of a panto conflict with your reserved British values?

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I thought this country was all about limited interaction and no eye contact.

I thought I could trust you.