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This Is What Happens When A Commoner Goes To The Fanciest Dog Event In The World

SO MANY DOGS.

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Hi, I'm Chelsea. I'm the animals editor and tend to steer clear of anything that ONLY promotes purebred dogs.

Purebred dogs are cute and deserve all the love but so do mutts! More than anything, I am ~pro dog~ so wanted to see what the whole fuss was about. As a result, I did the very difficult task of hanging out with some adorable dogs and their very nice humans. This is what happened.

1. Arriving at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show is kind of crazy. Like, WOW LOOK AT ALL THESE DOGS crazy.

People are VERY pushy to want to get in while the dogs are very calm and very "whatever" about the whole thing. The man controlling the elevator entrance is VERY aggressive with his demands so you know he's been yelling at a lot of people all day. The dogs know where to go and have a lot of chill so maybe humans should start learning from them. I'm just saying.

2. It's really odd looking at a sea of dogs sorted by type. They mostly behave the same and they ALL have the same hairstyle.

Chelsea Marshall

3. Basically, they're just in a clique that only their humans know they're part of.

Chelsea Marshall
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4. Oh, and DO NOT touch them while they are getting their hair done.

This was a mistake I made on more than one occasion. I AM SORRY. WHEN A DOG SMILES AT ME, MY INSTINCT IS TO PET IT. Everyone enjoyed this except the humans grooming because it takes a lot of time to look that good and the dogs have to wow everyone with their hairstyles.
Chelsea Marshall

This was a mistake I made on more than one occasion. I AM SORRY. WHEN A DOG SMILES AT ME, MY INSTINCT IS TO PET IT. Everyone enjoyed this except the humans grooming because it takes a lot of time to look that good and the dogs have to wow everyone with their hairstyles.

5. The way they check the dogs is ALARMING.

Like, I know it's all part of the "process," but a grown-ass man in a fancy-ass suit being classy going up to a dog and scooping at his balls is really fucking weird. Like, you're not a vet and checking for diseases. You're a dog show person and just checking to see if his business is up to par. WHAT IF WE DID THAT TO YOU, SIR???
Chelsea Marshall

Like, I know it's all part of the "process," but a grown-ass man in a fancy-ass suit being classy going up to a dog and scooping at his balls is really fucking weird. Like, you're not a vet and checking for diseases. You're a dog show person and just checking to see if his business is up to par. WHAT IF WE DID THAT TO YOU, SIR???

6. I found this magazine and it's very dramatic. Papi seems to be the soap opera star of the dog world. This is all I know.

Chelsea Marshall

7. You know who also farts? Winning dogs. I stood in a fart cloud produced by a group of golden retrievers. It was beautiful.

Chelsea Marshall
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Chelsea Marshall

8. Most of the dogs will sit in your lap if you call their name. They won't even be pretentious about it, despite their accomplishments. It's the best.

I didn't get a picture because I was ~feelin' the moment~ but one of the humans was like, "My dog's name is Moe, just call his name." And I said, "HI MOE!" and he jumped in my lap and started wagging his tail and it was one of the top 10 moments of my life. This is not Moe but he is adorable and sure did love his human.
Chelsea Marshall

I didn't get a picture because I was ~feelin' the moment~ but one of the humans was like, "My dog's name is Moe, just call his name." And I said, "HI MOE!" and he jumped in my lap and started wagging his tail and it was one of the top 10 moments of my life. This is not Moe but he is adorable and sure did love his human.

9. They also get very, very sleepy.

I thought this dude was sad but he was actually a WINNER and very sleepy. Refer to No. 7 if you're wondering what he did when I called his name.
Chelsea Marshall

I thought this dude was sad but he was actually a WINNER and very sleepy. Refer to No. 7 if you're wondering what he did when I called his name.

10. Dogs are patient AF when they're getting their hair done.

Chelsea Marshall
Chelsea Marshall
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11. Some of them hold toys while they get groomed probs 'cause it makes people stop and smile and dogs are really cool like that.

Chelsea Marshall

12. A lot of dogs are groomed in a way that they can't see.

For instance, a nice lady told me to pet her dog coming from the side because her dog couldn't see me coming from the front. But the dog was GROOMED that way. Which is so confusing because it's like having your mom choose emo bangs for you and you're like, "MOM, I CAN'T SEE," but she's like, "WHATEVER, THIS IS ON TREND." Also doesn't this give beagles and dogs who CAN see an unfair advantage? I think so.
Chelsea Marshall

For instance, a nice lady told me to pet her dog coming from the side because her dog couldn't see me coming from the front. But the dog was GROOMED that way. Which is so confusing because it's like having your mom choose emo bangs for you and you're like, "MOM, I CAN'T SEE," but she's like, "WHATEVER, THIS IS ON TREND." Also doesn't this give beagles and dogs who CAN see an unfair advantage? I think so.

13. Dogs wear amazing things to keep their hair in place. Like this banana suit.

Chelsea Marshall

He was REALLY wiggly so it was hard to get a pic but LOOK AT THE BANANA SUIT!

Chelsea Marshall
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They also kept their hair in these pigtail things until the last moment.

Chelsea Marshall

14. PEOPLE DRINK ALCOHOL at these events.

I got there at noon and was like, cool, there's a bunch of beer. I did not partake 'cause it was noon and I was like, I have to work. I asked this Irish dog if he had anything to drink and he said he didn't appreciate the stereotype. I told him I'm part Irish too and then he burped, swayed, and couldn't stop laughing. So you do the math.
Chelsea Marshall

I got there at noon and was like, cool, there's a bunch of beer. I did not partake 'cause it was noon and I was like, I have to work. I asked this Irish dog if he had anything to drink and he said he didn't appreciate the stereotype. I told him I'm part Irish too and then he burped, swayed, and couldn't stop laughing. So you do the math.

15. There are snacks you can buy but it's really hard to remember to eat when you are surrounded by visions like this:

Chelsea Marshall

16. The humans who belong to the dogs ADORE them and vice versa.

I heard a lot of "I'd love you no matter what!" so you know the dogs were in a very supportive environment. The majority of the humans I encountered were extremely nice. Unless you touched their dog's hair before it went on, but even then, they were very pleasant.
Chelsea Marshall

I heard a lot of "I'd love you no matter what!" so you know the dogs were in a very supportive environment. The majority of the humans I encountered were extremely nice. Unless you touched their dog's hair before it went on, but even then, they were very pleasant.

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17. Handlers are not always the same as the dog owners.

I use owners here for shorthand because no one can own a dog. You are its human and, if anything, your dog owns you at no cost of its own except to deal with you doing its hair and stuff. Anyway, a lot of people who had dogs in the show weren't actually presenting them.

18. Winners still just want your burger. They'll be polite about it but they aren't above asking.

Chelsea Marshall

19. I met some "soft" dogs.

I wanted to pet a German shorthaired pointer (not pictured) because that's what I grew up with and then the human told me she was "soft." I thought maybe that meant she was in heat, because I don't know, I just assume all dog terms I don't understand are about that. I used the internet to look it up and it seemed like she was just telling me she was sensitive. And you know what? Me too.
Chelsea Marshall

I wanted to pet a German shorthaired pointer (not pictured) because that's what I grew up with and then the human told me she was "soft." I thought maybe that meant she was in heat, because I don't know, I just assume all dog terms I don't understand are about that. I used the internet to look it up and it seemed like she was just telling me she was sensitive. And you know what? Me too.

20. I was told a dog could tell if I was "in season."

Nothing makes you feel at one with dogs as much as being asked if you're "in season." I'm not even 100% sure what it means but I assume the woman I was talking to was telling me her dog would be able to tell if I was on my period. I would've felt weirder about it if I hadn't watched a bunch of dogs get their parts checked out. Either way, I just smiled and walked away. Sorry to that dog I didn't pet as a result; you were cute but I was afraid.

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21. Some dogs look like aliens. Adorable, fluffy aliens.

Chelsea Marshall

22. A lot of dogs just casually sit up like this.

Literally no on instructed this dog to do this. He just wanted to be part of the action, and honestly, probably just wanted to remind everyone of his vast humanlike capabilities.
Chelsea Marshall

Literally no on instructed this dog to do this. He just wanted to be part of the action, and honestly, probably just wanted to remind everyone of his vast humanlike capabilities.

23. Sometimes brothers and sisters both compete and sometimes THEY BOTH WIN.

Also, to the untrained eye it really seems like the competition is really about a dog being able to stay calm surrounded by a bunch of other dogs. Which is no easy feat, but it's a little weird to watch.
Chelsea Marshall

Also, to the untrained eye it really seems like the competition is really about a dog being able to stay calm surrounded by a bunch of other dogs. Which is no easy feat, but it's a little weird to watch.

24. Even winners start licking the floor.

I have a non-show dog who I love and adore and she definitely just starts licking the floor or a wall or a butt on occasion. Pretty much whenever the mood strikes her. I figured these classy dogs would be way above such plebeian qualities. I was delighted when I found out I was wrong. I came home and told my dog about it and she didn't really care 'cause she already knew. Dogs are dogs, man. And they are all wonderful.
Chelsea Marshall

I have a non-show dog who I love and adore and she definitely just starts licking the floor or a wall or a butt on occasion. Pretty much whenever the mood strikes her. I figured these classy dogs would be way above such plebeian qualities. I was delighted when I found out I was wrong. I came home and told my dog about it and she didn't really care 'cause she already knew. Dogs are dogs, man. And they are all wonderful.

25. At the end of the day, all the dogs are winners because they are dogs. And just want belly scratches.

Chelsea Marshall

If you want a dog, please consider adoption. Check out your local shelter, ASPCA, or Pet Finder!