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The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

Could never passover a story by sloths, amiright?

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When Pharaoh became Egypt's new king, he was not a huge fan of the influence the Jews had.

So he was like "Yo, I'm gonna limit your personal freedom, tax the hell out of you, and force you into slavery, okay?"

He was a real dweeb: forcing them to build cities, monuments and roads.

As the Jews kept growing in number, Pharaoh was like "OH HELL NO" and ordered all the newborn male children to be thrown in the Nile River.

The mother of a lil bebe was like, "I'm gonna FLOAT him down the river and hope for the best! Bye my lil bebe, it's been real."

This bebe was Moses and he floated down the river and was found by an Egyptian princess who raised him as her own.

Eventually, Moses found out that he was actually Jewish and he was like "WHAAA?!? MOOOOM!"

His adopted mom was like, "yeah but also I kind of saved your life so you can thank me later" and he was like "MY WHOLE LIFE MAKES MORE SENSE NOW."

Moses thought the whole situation was uncool but didn't know what to do. Eventually God was a chill flaming bush and was like " should go save your people and lead them to freedom."

Moses wasn't sure but God was like "UMMMM YEAH, I'm God so you should probably listen to me."

When Moses asked Pharaoh for his freedom, Pharaoh was like "Nah, this setup is great 4 me"

Moses was very upset that Pharaoh had zero chill so God promised some zero chill plagues to scare Pharaoh.

"Wanna dance?"-God to Pharaoh.

So Moses went to Pharaoh and was like "Yo, God just told me there's gonna be a lot of plagues if you don't free us."

After 9 FRICKIN' PLAGUES, the Pharoah was quakin' in his boots but acted like it was NBD.


Pharaoh was still a dummy and literally just yawned in Moses' face and yelled "BOOORING!"*

*Probably didn't go down ~exactly~ like that.

THEN! God inflicted that promised plague on everyone but the Jews*.

*Jews had to put the blood of a lamb on the doorposts so they could be passed over in the killing. Spoiler Alert! That's why it's called PASSOVER!

FINALLY the Pharaoh was like "Uhggg, fine! You can be free! WHATEVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE."

And all the Jews rushed to pack and bake unleavened bread 'cause they didn't have time for that shit to rise.

The Jews eventually fled but Pharoah's mind was changed (by God!) and he ordered the Egyptians to go after the Jews.

When the Jews were cornered at the Red Sea, Moses was like "WE'RE STUCK!! WHAT NOW, GOD!"


Moses replied, "Wait, with these hands? LOL OKAY." AND THEN DID.

They ran through to safety and then the Egyptians got swallowed by the sea!!!!

"Sweet."-Moses parting the Red Sea.

And now, to commemorate the emancipation of the Jews from Egypt, Passover is celebrated! Happy Passover everyone!

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