I feel that I must be direct about my grievances as you seem to not comprehend my subtle acts of protest.
First I want to clarify: I really have enjoyed living with you the past few years, I have.
We have been equals in most respects...
You bring home the human money that you say buys me toys and food.
I patrol and clean the apartment while you are away.
Much of my day is keeping watch.
You seem to think this is an easy job, but intruders come in all vulgar shapes and sizes.
I'm willing to look over this belittlement because, overall, we make a very solid team. I am cat enough to recognize it.
There are a few things I must put my paw up for, things that must change for us to continue cohabiting.
First, please stop leaving the TV on when you leave. You know I don’t know how to turn it off and it’s really disrespectful.
There is only so much daytime TV a cat can take.
When you come home from work, you never ask me how my day was. Sure, you scratch my head but I don’t want to hear about your day if you refuse to ask about mine.
I would appreciate you telling me where that red bug is coming from. It seems to only come out when you are around and so I can only infer you bring it in the house.
I demand you bring the creature to me for further inspection and possible annihilation.
Your decorating is out of control. You leave me no choice but to tear apart the hideous furniture. Perhaps if you asked my opinion first, these drastic measures wouldn't have to be taken.
I hid near my litter box last night and I know for a fact that you've been stealing my property. Look, I don't know what you do with it but you can at least respect me enough to ask. I'm great at sharing.
You often bring people over without asking, late at night or otherwise. I am forced to hide in the other room.
What's worse is I can hear them flipping out, "WHERE'S THE CAT, WHERE'S THE CAT? I WANT TO SAY HI TO THE CAT!"
I have a name, you know.
When I finally come out of hiding, I find out they are still here.
If your friends are going to stay over, you can at least ask me first. I hate waking up to an occupied couch when I just want to watch some damn TV.
Plus, they always steal my food when they're over.
Furthermore, I find it demeaning and horrifying that you refuse to give me catnip anymore. I got out of control one time and it’s like there’s no forgiveness.
Remember when this happened? Did I take away your alcohol?
It's not even that I mind comforting you while you drunk-cry, I just need sleep to function and you make it very hard sometimes.
Believe it or not, I'm not always in the mood to hang out when you are.
And your costume parties? Stupid.
I do not mean to come across as harsh, my dear roommate.
I am merely being honest so that we can live a more peaceful existence with one another.
Or at least until our lease is up.
P.S. We're out of wet food and shredding paper (you call it "TP," I believe — see how well I know you?!).