If you grew up in the 90s, you undoubtedly owned (or at the very least used) one or more of these t̶o̶y̶s̶ torture devices in your day. Scroll through to see the aftermath of…
WHEN INANIMATE OBJECTS ATTACK!
Threat Level Key:
More accurate title: The Orbiting Plastic Meteor of Death
Not only were these things nearly impossible to use (or maybe that was just me), but the possibilities for lower-leg injuries were endless:
Injury 1: Plastic burn around ones ankle. God help you if you were the poor schmuck without ankle socks. Your delicate ankle flesh would be ripped to shreds by the time you’d spun this thing once around your periphery.
Injury 2: Tripping over the Skip-It. Uncoordinated children beware: if you couldn’t master a jump rope, than you sure as hell didn’t have a chance at this. And unlike a jump rope, which is soft, pliable and ROPE-LIKE, the Skip-It was a thin plastic rod o’ doom that essentially clotheslined you from the knee down if you didn’t quite get your foot up. Face smashing and hand scraping were common.
Injury 3: Perhaps the worst of all was hitting any part of your body with the skip-it counting mechanism. That little ball on the end of the Skip-It that supposedly counted your skips was the culprit behind many an ankle-smashing. If you adopted too wide of a stance, this leaden object would come sailing around your designated Skip-It foot only to crash into the ankle bone of the opposite foot. It was as if someone had taken a brick in a sock and smashed the shit out of your ankle…Only you did it yourself and it was plastic, so you were both seeing stars and feeling pretty damn stupid.
Click here to see it in action.
Threat Level for Skip-It:
More accurate title: The Skin Sizzler
I’ll come right out and admit it: I had one of these mothers. I wanted the sweet satisfaction that only comes from mixing dodgy-looking powder with water, shoving the sludge under a glorified hair straightener, and then putting the finished product inside your body.
I also licked a slug when I was younger. So I’m probably not the best barometer for whether a toy is safe or not.
Injury 1: This one is pretty obvious. It burned the ever-loving SHIT out of your hand, arm, finger, or any other body part that was unfortunate enough to make contact. An actual oven doesn’t even get this hot. You could melt glass in this thing.
Injury 2: Not as common, but I’m sure that somewhere, some poor kid was the victim of food poisoning or some other horrible stomach problem from eating the shit that came out of this thing. First of all, the EB oven was somewhat of a one-trick-pony. You could make grey cake with grey icing, grey brownies, grey cookies, grey pies… you see where I’m going with this. I mean, when you take dust and add water, you’re probably gonna get something that looks a few shades away from cement. The EB delicacies all seemed to taste faintly of plastic and/or cardboard; I wouldn’t be surprised if their consumption caused gastrointestinal distress.
Click here to see children LITERALLY playing with fire.
Threat Level for Easy-Bake:
…ok so MAYBE death isn’t likely, but it’s possible, dammit!
More accurate title: The Finger Flayer
Ok, admittedly these weren’t “toys” so much as “proof all PE teachers are the devil”, but they still deserve to be on this list because they caused injuries left and right.
Injury 1: Clothing casualties. If you’re like me, and wore flared pants AT ALL during your youth, you know the unique sense of anxious panic that came with showing up to PE only to find this is what Coach Shemale had in store for the day. Many a pant leg was shredded by the dreaded PE scooter. Old Navy was probably kept afloat in the late 90s by the sheer amount of khakis that kids blew through on account of these things.
Injury 2: Lower leg injuries that varied from bruises to full-on lacerations. These would usually occur at the end of PE when some brainiac decided to kick their scooter back to the supply closet instead of picking it up like a normal human. Either that or when someone bailed out in such a way that the scooter shot out from under their bum and immediately turned into a heat-seeking missile on wheels. If you were unlucky enough to be in the trajectory of a rogue scooter, you would surely be sporting a bruise or cut somewhere in the ankle or shin region. My heels hurt just thinking about it.
Injury 3: Fingers. So many finger injuries. If you made the fatal mistake of resting your hand on the floor during a lull in the action, you ran the risk of getting run over by a classmate’s scooter. If you bumped into someone else while holding onto the handles, your fingers got pinched. Hell, even if you abandoned ship, your fingers could get smushed or run-over. The worst was when your scooter, and therefore your entire bodyweight, somehow ran over your own fingers in the midst of scooting. Damn did that hurt.
Who thought this was a good activity for children?
Threat Level for P.E. Scooters:
More accurate title: The Scariest Fucking Thing Ever Marketed to Children
Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something sinister about a toy that looks like a Gremlin pre-midnight-feeding, talks like Stitch, and oh yeah, REPEATS WHAT YOU SAY AND LEARNS NEW PHRASES.
There aren’t any physical injuries inherent in playing with a Furby (unless you chuck it at someone’s head, in which case, you’re a jerk… who hurt you?) But the mental injuries? Oh the mental havoc these furry little freaks can wreak…
Injuries 1—23832948: Terror. Paranoia. Hysteria. Basically every negative feeling in the book. And they have a history of still operating when the batteries are dead. Because they are clearly instruments of the devil.
It’s all fun and games until you spill your Fanta on it.
Threat Level for Furbies:
More accurate title: Slip ‘N Break Yoself
More like slip-a-disc and slide. Seriously has anyone not sustained at least one injury from this thing?
Injury 1: Broken b̶o̶n̶e̶s̶ everything. The damn thing has SLIP in its name! There are literally thousands of ways you could fall and break a body part.
Injury 2: Abrasions and Grass Burns. Whether you catch a dry patch of the slide or you get a bit overzealous and torpedo past the end of the slide face-first into the grass, you’re probably going to experience a painful rubbing someplace on your person.
Injury 3: Cuts. If you have the REALLY janky model from the 80s, you could catch a rough edge and slice your foot. Or, more likely, if there’s a rip, tear, or just a speck of hard dirt on the slide, it’s going to hurt like a MOFO when your delicate skin goes sliding over it at warp speed.
Injury 4: Death…. probably. I mean, there have been seven cases of accidents ending in severe paralysis, even quadriplegia, so it follows that death could theoretically result.
Threat Level for the Slip ‘N Slide:
More accurate title: An Express Train to Bloody Knuckles
Talk about suffering for one’s art…
Injury 1: Creating beautiful driveway masterpieces was all fine and good until your piece of sidewalk chalk dwindled down to a nub. Then you were royally fucked. Especially if it was the last piece of a certain color ‘cuz damnit, your drawing of a flower could NOT have 4 pink petals and 1 purple. Not on your watch. So you would often find yourself attempting to draw on asphalt with something roughly the size of a guitar pick. You were lucky if you escaped with a few scratches on your nails. More likely, though, you succeeded in shredding any skin you previously had on your fingers. Complete knuckle annihilation.
Threat Level for Sidewalk Chalk:
More accurate title: Come on, kids! Let’s talk to the dead!
Why. Just… why. It’s a seance…for children. Do I really need to explain what’s wrong here? If you don’t believe in its supernatural abilities, fine, it’s still a “children’s game” that is based on communicating with spirits and paranormal entities. #wut. And if you DO believe in it, you know that it can open up an unofficial portal or some such door to the other world that isn’t safe or controlled.
Injury 1: Contacting the spirits as a small child.
Injury 2: Believing you’re communicating with the dead.
Injury 3: G̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶p̶o̶k̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶y̶e̶ ̶b̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶o̶i̶n̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶y̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶p̶i̶r̶i̶t̶ ̶m̶a̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶f̶l̶y̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶o̶a̶r̶d̶.̶ COMMUNICATING WITH THE DEAD. AS A CHILD.
More accurate title: A Bike Married a Skateboard and They Had a Bouncing Baby Deathtrap
Injury 1: Running into shit because you can’t stop. In no universe does that little clamp over the back wheel constitute a brake. It’s useless. Especially if you are careening down a steep driveway on your friend’s Razor only she didn’t tell you how to stop properly so you run into a basketball pole and fall into a bramble bush. Uh…
Injury 2: Impaling yourself. I know someone who actually did this. She was scooting about town and I don’t remember exactly what happened but the punchline is she ended up stabbing her ankle with a sharp edge of the scooter. You may get scrapes and a little banged up on a skateboard, but I don’t see how you could ever IMPALE YOURSELF.
Injury 3: For something that is touted as being portable (they fold up!) and kid-sized, this thing is freaking heavy. Like, if you drop it on your foot, you best BELIEVE it will leave a mark. Or, much like the Skip-It, if you try to spin it around all fancy-like and end up smashing it into your ankle? ONE-WAY TICKET TO OUCHVILLE.
Threat Level for Razor Scooter:
More accurate title: Cabbage Patch Snack-On-Your-Soul Doll
Injury 1: Hair loss. This thing would eat anything in its mouth (hehe). Even the stray lock of hair….still attached to a head. Little known fact: this doll was the #1 cause of child-pattern baldness in the mid to late 90s.
Injury 2: The same thing, but with fingers. This thing could apparently strip the flesh from a curious index finger faster than a hunting knife and with the gusto of Hannibal Lecter.
Injury 3: What are we saying here? The toy is purely about feeding and eating. Do we ever see the Cabbage Patch Kid going out for a run or taking a Zumba class? Hell no. It just eats. That’s LITERALLY all it does. And oh by the way it poops out said food into its backpack. What are we teaching kids… to shit in backpacks? We’re setting them up for a life of social ostracism and frequent public indecency arrests.
Threat Level for Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids Doll:
So there you have it, 9 of the most horrible toys ever created.
Inspired by this article on Cracked.com.
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