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Finding A Job

Finding a job is very easy. This is what college advising says. So here I am, writing a not work assignment for not dollars. 10/10 easy.

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Finding out what you want to do in life is very simple.

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The first step is to scream into the void. The late nights you spent doing organic chemistry prepared you well for figuring out what exactly you would like to do with your degree. Stare out of a window for 2 hours. Complete a buzzfeed quiz. Simple.

Searching for jobs only requires basic typing skills!

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This will fail immediately. You are either unqualified, don't know the right people, or have an unrelated degree. Go back to the window. Let a solitary tear roll down your cheek. Look at that salary and tell yourself you deserve to make enough money to rent a studio apartment in that city. Then, look at the salary and tell yourself you deserve to rent a couch in someone's room in that city.

You can connect with anyone on LinkedIn. They know the way to get a job.

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Ah yes, first search by alumni. Then look at their career fields. Unrelated to what you want to study? No worries. Search by job, then! Huzzah, an alumnus! Request to connect with them, send a nice message. Receive a notification that they looked at your profile, and then completely ignored you. Networking!

Apply for more jobs.

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You do not feel bad about ice cream for a meal. It is less expensive than a vegetable. Formatting your resume is like translating the Rosetta Stone. You never tire of writing a new cover letter or filling in your job experience after already having uploaded your resume. You go months without hearing back from your one promising interview. You stare longingly at the vegetables at the store. Only the bourgeoisie can afford vegetables, you peon!

Stare at your inevitable fate.

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We all know this is retail. Stare at retail. Those who come out unscathed are gods among men-- doomed to never be phased by the words, "can I speak to the manager?" Retail is indeed a job. It allows you to purchase the vegetable. Breaking a diene bond becomes a distant memory.

Imagine the future !!!

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You are bound to get a different job. Maybe someone will return your LinkedIn message. Maybe you can even purchase two vegetables. Indeed, you have reached a stable career where you can live in your car instead of on that person's couch. Rejoice!

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