1.
Stare at it from across the room. Try not to blink.
2.
Make it smell like you.
3.
Understand that it's the most important thing in your life right now.
5.
It doesn't taste good? Weird. Taste it again.
6.
Still no? Unacceptable. Whisper to it "You've made a powerful enemy."
7.
Wait for it to apologize.
8.
Hit it with the broad side of your paw from a safe distance.
9.
Convince yourself that it's fire.
10.
Present it to your human.
11.
Maybe taste it again? I don't know.
12.
Test its weight by launching it across the room.
13.
When it goes under the couch, risk life and limb to get it back.
14.
While frantically trying to retrieve it, realize in a moment of clarity how unreasonable you've been, and also how patient the thing has been.
15.
Redouble your efforts and emerge victorious.
16.
Push it slowly across the floor.
17.
Make a sudden movement in the hopes of eliciting an emotion other than apathy and indifference from the thing.
19.
Realize that the relationship is broken beyond repair.
20.
Taste it one more time.
22.
Move on with your life.
