1. Stare at it from across the room. Try not to blink.
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2. Make it smell like you.
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3. Understand that it's the most important thing in your life right now.
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4. See how it tastes.
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5. It doesn't taste good? Weird. Taste it again.
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6. Still no? Unacceptable. Whisper to it "You've made a powerful enemy."
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7. Wait for it to apologize.
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8. Hit it with the broad side of your paw from a safe distance.
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9. Convince yourself that it's fire.
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10. Present it to your human.
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11. Maybe taste it again? I don't know.
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12. Test its weight by launching it across the room.
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13. When it goes under the couch, risk life and limb to get it back.
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14. While frantically trying to retrieve it, realize in a moment of clarity how unreasonable you've been, and also how patient the thing has been.
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15. Redouble your efforts and emerge victorious.
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16. Push it slowly across the floor.
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17. Make a sudden movement in the hopes of eliciting an emotion other than apathy and indifference from the thing.
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18. Watch Maury with it.
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19. Realize that the relationship is broken beyond repair.
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20. Taste it one more time.
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21. Feel nothing.
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22. Move on with your life.
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