22 Things To Do With This Thing You Just Found On The Floor

1. Stare at it from across the room. Try not to blink.

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2. Make it smell like you.

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3. Understand that it's the most important thing in your life right now.

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4. See how it tastes.

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5. It doesn't taste good? Weird. Taste it again.

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6. Still no? Unacceptable. Whisper to it "You've made a powerful enemy."

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7. Wait for it to apologize.

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8. Hit it with the broad side of your paw from a safe distance.

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9. Convince yourself that it's fire.

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10. Present it to your human.

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11. Maybe taste it again? I don't know.

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12. Test its weight by launching it across the room.

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13. When it goes under the couch, risk life and limb to get it back.

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14. While frantically trying to retrieve it, realize in a moment of clarity how unreasonable you've been, and also how patient the thing has been.

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15. Redouble your efforts and emerge victorious.

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16. Push it slowly across the floor.

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17. Make a sudden movement in the hopes of eliciting an emotion other than apathy and indifference from the thing.

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18. Watch Maury with it.

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19. Realize that the relationship is broken beyond repair.

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20. Taste it one more time.

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21. Feel nothing.

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22. Move on with your life.

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