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33 Reasons Why Buying Your First Home Is Hell On Earth

Congratulations! You get to live in a house you actually own! BUT ONLY IF YOU SURVIVE THE PROCESS.

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1. Without speaking to the bank or a mortgage broker, you assume you already know what you can afford.


"Just something modest, perhaps with a dock or small cove? You know, for when guests come over."

But then realise. You would do anything for love. But you won’t do that!


And by "that" you mean living in a shoebox where you have to eat, sleep and wee all within a five foot radius of each other.

10. You soon know the area you’re willing to buy in like the back of your hand.

"Ladywood Road is not in Surbiton, it's in Tolworth. Did you think you would get that past me, Greenfield's. Did you? DON'T FUCK WITH ME."

14. An hour before you're meant to go view it, you get a phone call.

"Hi, it's Gemma from Foxtons? So, so sorry, but the property we were meant to be viewing today has had an offer accepted."

15. Before you know it, you have become a ruthless, rabid Kirstie Allsopp without any scruples.

You book viewings with any place you wouldn't want to kill yourself living in. You consider putting in offers just to fuck with other potential buyers. YOU JUST WANT A HOUSE.



This horrible thing could be one of many horrible things.

You need to put together a bigger deposit. You need to have a letter signed by your deceased father and faxed to your solicitor by noon. The seller doesn't want to include the roof in the sale any more. SOMETHING HORRIBLE.

33. And then, one day, after a hard day at work, you come home. You sit and stare at your (still unpainted) walls, and realise – hey! I OWN THIS.

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