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    19 "He's Not Your Man" Tweets That Will Make All Women Laugh

    "He’s not your man. he’s famed conman & murderer count olaf."

    1.

    ladies, if he: - never texts you back - always interjects with unsolicited advice - reads your personal documents - constantly tries to help you format paragraphs - is a sentient paper clip he’s not your man. he’s clippy the microsoft word office assistant

    2.

    ladies, if he: • expects you to clean the house • is trying to rush you into marriage • dreams of being an actor • has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle • wants the immense fortune left behind by your dead parents he’s not your man. he’s famed conman & murderer count olaf.

    3.

    Ladies, if he: - only responds after you double text - doesn't care about your snap streak - refuses to shave - is a staunch abolitionist - returns to Ohio after serving only one term He's not your man. He's 19th president Rutherford B Hayes

    4.

    Ladies, if he: - ignores text messages - doesn't like your tweets - eats like trash - regularly goes out all night - is usually found in wooded areas in North America He's not your man. He's a raccoon.

    5.

    Ladies, if he: - defends you in battle - is your protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil -casts all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls into hell He’s not your man. He’s St. Michael the Archangel.

    6.

    Ladies, if he: - sends you risky/filthy dms - writes stuff that makes no fucking sense - wears fuckboy round specs - wanders the streets of Dublin by night He's not your man. He's Irish avant-garde novelist James Joyce

    7.

    Ladies, if he: - doesn’t return your texts - always criticizes the results of your hard work and withholds praise for your efforts - gives vague ultimatums and disappears when you most need help - loves bread He isn’t your man. He’s baker and tv personality Paul Hollywood

    8.

    Ladies, if he: - is on a boat - has an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love - has tickets that are now diamonds - is on a horse He's not your man. He's the man your man could smell like. https://t.co/f0jFSm59no

    9.

    Ladies, if he: - is warm and inviting - is generous - is active in the community - expects you to return his stuff frequently and fines you if you don’t - demands you stay awake at all times He's not your man. He's a public library and you should return your books on time.

    10.

    Ladies, if he: - Is slick as Gaston - Is quick as Gaston - Has a neck that's incredibly thick as Gaston - Shoots like Gaston - Makes those beauts like Gaston - Goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston - Uses antlers in all of his decorating He's not your man. He's Gaston.

    11.

    Ladies, if he: — doesn’t respond to your texts — doesn’t comment on your pics — is the loving mother of 3 kids — won an Oscar in 2001 — was named People magazine’s “most beautiful woman” (5 times!!!) He’s not your man. He’s legendary Hollywood star, Julia Roberts. https://t.co/xIQGQCh2NS

    12.

    Ladies, if he: - never responds to your texts - doesn’t watch your Insta stories - stands stoically in ruin - among desert sands in a distant land - with a large engraving beneath him He's not your boyfriend; he's Ozymandias, king of kings

    13.

    Ladies, if he: - ignores text messages - doesn't like your tweets - is always cold - rarely opens up to you - never leaves the house - makes weird humming sounds at night He's not your man. He's a refrigerator.

    14.

    Ladies, if he: - is always late - never shaves - eats 10% of his weight a day in plant matter - leaves you every winter for warmer waters He’s not your man, he’s a manatee.

    15.

    Ladies, if he: -is italian -is hot and spicy -ignores your texts -loses your snap streak -doesn’t like your tweets -is delicious and nutritious -can be made with three simple ingredients He isn’t your man. He’s a hot and spicy plate of spaghett.

    16.

    Ladies, if he: - never responds to your texts - has never watched your insta story - doesn’t have a backbone - only lights up after dark - is endemic to the Hawaiian archipelago He's not your man. He’s a Hawaiian bobtail squid.

    17.

    Ladies, if he: - can last all day and night - fits perfectly in your hand - has an extra-long, flexible tip - has a smooth stroke - is your go-to eyeliner in your makeup bag He’s not your man, he’s our Fenty Beauty Flyliner

    18.

    Ladies, if he: - never responds to your texts - never watches your insta story - looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy-coated misery - only comes out at night - gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight He's not your man. He’s a good time cowboy Casanova.

    19.

    Ladies, if he: - never texts back - doesn’t follow you on social media - can’t go in the water - emotionally tortures you - has a super hard shell He's not your man. He's a book, and books are better than men, so happy reading.

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