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If You Don't Laugh At These Jokes Then You Don't Have A Funny Bone

"(whispers to my girlfriend during Cops) those are the cops"

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When the Cha Cha Slide says "hands on ya knees hands on ya knees" but you tired

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[in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

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will I need this later in the game?

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me trying to finish a page long essay when i've ran out of things to write

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When you follow someone through multiple doors

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[me giving a tour of pillow factory] guy: "what do you fill the pillows with?" me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] "just stuff"

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[shark tank] me: ridiculously wide sunglasses shark 1: i'm out shark 2: i'm out hammerhead shark: i'm listening

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This is the weirdest tom and jerry memorabilia I've ever seen. It's too minimalist it looks like it's from their we… https://t.co/XFMt8DMD2p

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(whispers to my girlfriend during Cops) those are the cops

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[son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's that Son: it's our house Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?

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Ariana Grande actually wrote Break Free for Ludwig van Beethoven but he turned it down, insisting it was "too emoti… https://t.co/eG9usmvheI

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girl : im really into old school rap me: (sweating) ah , me too. have u ever listened to (extremely long pause) robbie williams 'rock dj'

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Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many

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Congratulations to the happy couple!

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A great moment in movie history is when Harvey can't recognize The Joker until he takes off his surgery mask.

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me pretending to have 5 years experience at an entry level interview