2.
Wife: Don't touch the deviled eggs in the fridge, they're for company. Me:
3.
These kids took my uniform and now they're taking out ad space to taunt me and the cops won't fucking do anything a… https://t.co/VJRDbAcbWy
4.
Customers just asked me what perfume I've got on, didn't have the heart to tell her I'd febreze'd myself so I said it were Marc Jacobs ffs
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5.
the modern masterpiece Juno taught teens that some doodles cannot be undid homeskillet
8.
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9.
Sure, that’s a good slogan for a jewelry brand
11.
Why this monkey look like every girl I know studying abroad
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13.
15.
Me in the fitting room to make sure I have full mobility.
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22.
Is this what private schools are like?
23.
Dunkirk (2017, dir. Christopher Nolan)
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26.
That answers that.
27.
You fucking heard me. I said I want 13 fish sandwiches and don't forget the tartar sauce.
