1. When it insulted desserts everywhere and put cheese on top of apple pie.
2. When it thought "Nah, I don't need arteries" and invented deep-fried butter.
3. When it insulted the good name of cheese and put it in a can.
4. When it ruined bacon by covering it in chocolate.
5. When it tried to make grits happen.
6. When it mixed olives with ham and thought it was acceptable.
7. When it ruined bolognaise by putting it on a bun and calling it a "sloppy joe".
8. When it put marshmallows on top of sweet potato.
9. When it made a pizza box out of goddamn pizza.
10. When it swapped out a hot dog bun for fried chicken.
11. When it actually believed that turning pizza into a cake was the right thing to do.
12. When it had thick pancakes instead of thin ones.
13. When it thought this was biscuits and gravy but really it was a scone and a lumpy beige sauce.
14. When Burger King tried to kill all Americans by frying macaroni and cheese in Cheeto dust.
15. When it wrongly called jam "jelly".
16. When it thought "Fuck it, let's just be peak America" and deep-fried a Big Mac.
17. When Domino's invented a bread bowl and filled it with pasta.
18. When it thought this constituted cheese.
19. When it got inventive and deep-fried beer.
20. When it defied science and deep-fried Coke.
21. When it microwaved pizza rolls, mozzarella sticks, and crisps and called it a meal.
22. When it simultaneously ruined ramen and burgers by combining the two.
23. And when it forced its weird patriotism on these poor gummy bears.
