1. My introduction video would feature me wearing a slightly bobbly Speedo swimsuit, a swim cap, and goggles.
2. I would panic and have nothing to say except “Yeah, so I love ham, Twister ice lollies, any doughnut from the Lidl bakery section, when Tesco have those apple pies reduced to 80p, grapes, Nutella, and Party Rings.”
3. The ratings, and sex appeal, of the show would drop dramatically for that one-minute video.
4. Immediately Twitter would be in uproar because I have a Brummy accent, and even though Alex Bowen did it some justice, I'd remind everyone how much they really hate it.
5. At the first coupling I would not step forward for anyone, not because I think I’m above them but because not one of them would have mentioned that they have a dog.
6. I would end up coupled with Marcel and honestly we would have a great laugh and he would probably be the best friend I could ever make.
7. On the first night everyone would be introducing themselves and I would realise that I am no one’s type on paper.
8. Also, no one would be interested in discussing my fan theories about The Handmaid’s Tale with me.
9. Either way the other islanders would find me funny and still talk to me because I'd seem harmless to them and deep down they'd suspect I'm the producer’s daughter who wandered on to the set by accident.
10. On the first day I would try set up some organised sports in the pool, maybe a water polo league or maybe just some races. No one would want to play with me.
11. My lounging-around-the-villa attire would be one of those hooded towels children wear but I would have managed to find one in an adult size just before I left. So practical!
12. I would then get told off by the producers for yelling “Hey guys, look at this” and doing a bomb in the pool. They would tell me “You need to talk about who you’d shag” as I sulked.
13. In the day the girls would be working out and Gabby would be running a fitness class. The camera would pan to me as I’d struggle to do one pull-up.
14. Already the public would be making “you vs me” memes of me on Love Island. Some people might find that harsh; I would actually welcome the new Twitter followers.
15. The friends who I would have left in charge of my social media would find these memes hilarious and instead of trying to validate me as an actual contestant, and not a joke one, they would retweet all the memes and hate I’d be getting.
16. As well as this they wouldn’t post the usual glamour shots that other contestants get. Instead they would dig up all the old embarrassing photos of a prepubescent me from when I had braces and and no real knowledge of the magic of concealer.
17. A picture of me eating a bowl of onions at a curry house when I was 14 would go viral.
18. The next day I would be sat in the garden and burst into tears. “What’s wrong, babes?” all the girls would say. “I’ve lost my goggles,” I would sob. They wouldn't laugh at me because we'd be a Love Island sisterhood and we'd all look for my goggles.
19. The next day the producers would get me a new pair of goggles.
20. We would get a text and it would be the kissing challenge. Everyone else would be excited and get ready. I, however, would get the nervous poos and spend all my time in the bathroom.
21. The challenge would be a "best kisser" challenge. I would offer all the guys a firm handshake instead of a kiss.
22. We would have to film the slow-mo running to the challenge six times because I would fall over on every single take.
23. At night we would all be chilling around the fire pit and get a text saying a surprise recoupling is happening tonight. Everyone would be scared but I’d wonder whether that meant there would be party food.
24. All the girls would be stood around the fire pit in bandage dresses; I would be in a fleece because that is what you wear on nights around a fire pit.
25. The nation at home would love it – M&S fleeces would sell out the next day.
26. Marcel would choose me because there would be no one else left. For his romantic speech he would say “Cass, you’re fine for now but you need to stop farting in your sleep.”
27. “I will try,” I would reply.
28. The next day all the girls would be gathered round talking about the recoupling and the drama over Montana, Dom, and Jess. Every time they’d talk about one of the men I would have to ask “who?” because I legit wouldn't be able to tell any of them apart.
29. I would burn from just being out in the sun all day – like, a red, peeling burn. There would be memes about this too.
30. Chloe would say “You should have just put factor 50 on, babes” and I would passive-aggressively reply: “Yeah, don’t you think I thought of that, Chlo?”
31. This would be my first argument in the villa and I would spend all day crying about it until I’d ask Chloe if I could have a word privately and we would straighten it all out.
32. Because of the sunburn I would have to swim in a T-shirt and cap for the rest of my time in the villa. This would mean all of my sexy couple shots would be taken in a T-shirt too.
33. The boys would mysteriously be sent to another villa and it would take me a whole 12 hours to notice they were gone because I would really not care for them.
34. The girls would try to give me a well-meaning makeover; it would be nice and honestly a lovely bonding experience. They would hope that I would become hot and pull, but in actual fact I would just look like a burnt chicken drumstick with fake lashes on.
35. The next day I would try to go in the pool and my fake tan would go all blotchy and more memes would ensue.
36. The house would get a text and everyone would run off to a challenge. They would forget to invite me and I’d be sat in the villa by myself.
37. It would be fine, though, because I would get the fridge to myself and not have to listen to the guys talk about who they’d stick it on when they forgot I was in the conversation.
38. When the argument about feminism between Jonny and Camilla happened I would have to be physically pulled away by Marcel while screaming bloody murder.
39. I would be given an official warning by the producers and the media would report that I did not do the feminist movement any justice. I wouldn’t care, though – I'd just need him to know he was wrong.
40. At this point my sunburn would be so bad that I would be peeling. There would be some bitchy chats going on about how me peeling off my own skin is disgusting.
41. I would get voted out because 1) Marcel and I are not compatible, and 2) everyone would find my peeling skin repulsive.
42. I would accidentally leave my hooded towel in the villa and really kick myself because those are priceless really.
43. After coming out of the villa I would get a contract selling diet tea on Instagram. I'd be fired for revealing that it gave me the shits.