1.
"SLOW DOWN, YOU OLD BITCH," I scream at the YouTube knitting tutorial lady.
2.
When the server tries to take my plate but I still have one french fry left
3.
I just pinpointed why I’m such a bad cook: I put the burner on HIGH and then I just kinda wander off
4.
them: dont bring that bullshit in here me, coming in with the bullshit:
5.
6.
My sister caught my 3yo niece spinning in a circle alone in a room and kissing the page of a book. When she peeked… https://t.co/tWrmyTpoD5
7.
My boyfriend: *leaves the room* The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean. Me: right? He's weird… https://t.co/WQiZ0EuIyf
8.
My four year old is watching Toy Story for the first time ever and he just whispered to himself, “Alive toys... I knew it.”
9.
Shower sex is overrated fuck me in the microwave
10.
friend: you’ve already said that joke before me:
11.
When you hear pots & pans fall in the cupboard but it’s the next persons problem.
12.
do you ever just walk to the fridge and drink milk/orange juice straight out the carton and feel like ur the older… https://t.co/A2eIMHUt3s
13.
WAIT FOR IT 😂
14.
When he’s telling you the story of how he could’ve been a footballer but got injured
15.
humans act like we're at the top of the animal kingdom when most of us only have two tiddies. cows?? 4 tiddies. dog… https://t.co/4S6OCq1VGa
16.
My brother-in-law just texted me this I’m CACKLING
17.
This PS2 game just flat out gave me the most devastating burn.
18.
This would be my whole routine
19.
dis u at a sleepover wit ur friends n y’all posed to be sleep but somebody whisper “pee pee” real loud
20.
My anaconda don't want none because he was a rescue and is grateful to have a safe and loving home. In a way, he was the one who rescued me.
21.
when u do your hair for brunch and they cancel
22.
Y'all are stuck in 2018 watching the Olympics in 2D while I'm in the future watching it in 3D
23.
spent the last 8 hours trying to re-write ed sheeran lyrics to be about stuart little, unfortunately all i came up… https://t.co/HSWYtS3ds1
24.
How are we doing on breadsticks over here
25.
“I love your outfit!” Thanks! It has pockets! 😊
26.
Saw a guy with glasses named Alex introduce himself to another guy with glasses named Alex & it's so cool to witness the birth of a podcast.
27.
I HAVE HAD A LONG DAY... I AM VERY SMALL... AND I HAVE NO MONEY, SO YOU CAN IMAGINE THE KIND OF STRESS AM UNDER
28.
Is your child texting about Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”? ygafc = you’ve got a fast car igaptguooh = I’ve got a plan… https://t.co/jl624iejNy
29.
welcome to america. heres your paperwork. oh by the way, "duh" and "no duh" mean the same thing. alright, good luck out there
30.
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
31.
32.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty