16. Alicia Silverstone
Now I know what you’re thinking, “Alicia Siverstone? She was hot in clueless and she loves animals. What’s gross about that?”
Don’t let her fool you with those sweet innocent looks. Let me just paint a picture for you. It’s not a pretty picture, but nonetheless:
You’re on first base. Confident that any moment, YOU are going to have your hand slipping into Alicia Silverstone’s fair trade, organic linen, frock. You start to play the edge of the field. Letting your hand stray under the strap when all of the sudden….
SHE SPITS HER VEGAN LASAGNA INTO YOUR MOUTH.
Why would she do this?!
I’ll tell you why, she thought you were hungry. She figured you could use a nice, healthy, vegan snack before you got down to business, and Alicia Silverstone is a strong supporter of premastication. It’s the practice of feeding your baby by chewing up all of his/her food and then spitting that mess into it’s mouth.
Now I’m no vegan, and I’m definitely not a parent. If Alicia Silverstone wants to raise a whole nest full of flamingos, that’s her choice. I just think it’s a little creepy when grownups start spitting into their kid’s mouths.
Before I let some of you get carried away with the whole “Humans have done this since the dawn of time” thing, let me just remind you THIS IS WHY WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY. I mean hell, even the cave men developed stone grinding bowls.
Take a look for yourself. Disgusting?
Still don’t believe this is all that gross? Let me just share with you a few details your conscious mind may have skipped over.
The video is of Alicia giving her son breakfast.
Moms are busy.
She doesn’t look like she has had the chance to shower yet.
That can only mean one thing.
-Solution: Magic Bullet
Now I know I’m presenting you with some sort of Instagram photo but, A. Don’t pretend you don’t like Instagram, and B. Look at those healthy snacks!
Plus, I got this from site with “EZ” right in the flippin address so don’t act like you don’t have time. Looks like there are also yarn things to make before lunch and cocktail recipes for when you put baby Bear Blue-y Greenish, or whatever his darling little name is, down for a nap.
O.K. now that I have exposed Alicia Silverstone’s creepy nesting habits, let’s take a look at a few more obvious choices. These ones probably won’t need as much evidence so let’s just dig in.
15. Anna Paquin
I’m mostly too scared to do it. Like a game of “just the tip” for your mouth.
I think a little heavy duty Orthodontics could go a long way here.
14. Charlie Sheen
Aside from the fact that he is likely to fall into a substance fueled rage, look at those lips. They don’t look very kissable to me.
-Solution: Lip Plumper
Plump those lips up with a little plumper and maybe get a little sobriety under your belt.
13. Heidi Fleiss
This one kind of speaks for itself. While I doubt many of you have thought her mouth looked particularly appetizing anyway, it’s hard not to be a little extra grossed out when you see this terrible mugshot.
Can it be nastier?
Apparently she was also covered in bird droppings.
-Solution: Radar Detector
I don’t really think there is any way to help this mug, but at least this little alarm could help avoid anymore of those horrifying mug shots.
Of course you may want to also think about halving your Vicodin intake so you’re able to straighten up and fly right when your gadget starts beeping and blipping at you.
It would also help to avoid the bird shit. That’s only going to raise suspicion if the fuzz does happen to catch up with you.
12. Tom Cruz
Middle tooth and Scientologist. Done.
-Solution: Holy Water
The only thing that can make this one more kissable is Jesus.
11. Vince Vaughn
Even if you manage to avoid a rash on your lip, you are still going to have to find a way to shield your eyes from the garlic vodka fumes. This is what too many hangovers looks like.
Vince, Vinny, Pal…. You might have the motivation to trim those nose pubes if you just read this.
10. Courtney Love
Even in her younger “fresher” days, something about her just said
“I smell like I look, and I taste like I smell.”
Just take yourself outside.
9. Gary Busey
I don’t know if I’d be more scared of getting my head bitten off or being abducted.
-Solution: Aluminum Head Gear
This will keep the Aliens from scrambling your brainwaves.
8. Steve Buscemi
It just… I.. I just can’t.
Don’t you dare come out of that bathroom ‘til you’ve brushed!
Let me smell your breath.
7. Joan Van Ark
I don’t know if it would actually be possible to touch your lips together, but if it is, good luck getting your tongue in.
This is all I could come up with.
6. Shane Macgowan
Because this isn’t actually the worst picture. Seriously. You’re welcome.
If a Flipper is good enough for Honey Boo Boo and her friends, it’s good enough for you!
5. Donatella Versace
NOPE. NO WAY.
Trust me. It’s an improvement.
4. LMFAO guy?
I’m a little too grossed out to look up his name. I don’t care how sexy you know you are. You stay away from me! You hear?!
-Solution: Beer Goggles
Glad to see you’ve got yourself a pair. Now, pass these out.
3. Pete Burns
That cigarette must be terrified.
Well you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20. It’s a little late, but this may have helped you avoid that whole mess.
2. Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay, we know you obviously have bottles of peroxide lying around. Take one of those shot glasses off your nightstand and just swish with it a little. Don’t swa- Oh. Reflex I guess.
-Solution: Heavy Duty Toiletbowl Cleaner
Look Lindsay, it’s all natural! Open wide….
1. Avril Lavigne
Besides her teeth….
He was in her mouth.
And this was in his mouth.
-Solution: Ball Gag
The benefits of this one are numerous! It will muffle that sound you make when you sing, it will hide those teeth, AND you can spice up your marriage while you are following along to 50 Shades Of Grey.
Is anyone else craving a little mouth wash? Maybe some Clorox…for your ears?
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