1.
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die Passengers: *start freaking out* Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when Passengers: *sigh with relief* Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain
2.
*Movie's 10 second sex scene begins My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'
3.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me "dad are clouds candy?" 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked "dad, what's Earth's defense system?" and then I remembered I don't have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black "what is the defense system father"
4.
ladies, i hope you're all getting your summer body ready! Now is the perfect time to shed your unwanted flesh and slither into your new human host, allowing 1 to 2 months for their fragile skin to better fit with ease over your hidden monster form.
5.
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier sperm bank employee: what glass of milk me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk sperm bank employee: oh my god me: what sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
6.
If she gives you butterflies don't let her go. Hold her tightly, until she explains what you're supposed to do with the butterflies.
7.
I am so Humble ❤ im not bragging but i just wanna thank god i went from living paycheck to paycheck to saving up enough money to purchase a data plan that allowed me to download this picture 🙌🙌 https://t.co/ZdS1Yjasb5
8.
me: you wanna hang out later? her: sorry i don’t talk to guys who are under 6’ me: please mom i miss you
9.
teens don't realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you'd have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever
10.
me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens
11.
birds do it bees do it even educated fleas do it lets do it lets eat our young
12.
*jesus picks up bread* this is my body *jesus picks up wine* this is my blood *jesus picks up guitar* this is the STORY OF A GIRL
13.
Doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news Me: what’s the good news Doctor: i got you flowers Me: awwww, well what’s the bad news Doctor: they’re for your grave
14.
I need DICK D edicated friends who I trust & love I nner peace with myself C onstant positive thoughts K penis
15.
So the victim was impaled by an ice sculpture? I guess you could say he... (takes off sunglasses) (it’s much brighter out than I thought and in my surprise I stumble backwards into a garbage can, and the garbage can rolls down a hill)
16.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
17.
me: hi do you take walk-ins the morgue: what
18.
doctor: you need to stop smoking me: because it’s bad for you? doctor: no *lights cigarette* you have to be cool to smoke
19.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it's called self care
20.
if you don't understandable love me have a nice day