1. When she didn't know where John had gone:
i woke up and thought john went the gym but nope. china.
2. When she dreamed of a world where she was good at Photoshop:
I cannot help but think how funny I would be if I knew photoshop
3. And then a month later when she tried to learn those Photoshop skills:
i'm trying to photoshop john's head onto zayn's body in a 1D group shot. i have the saddest life
4. When she was bored and drinking:
Listen it's late here and early there and I'm drinking does anyone have a radio contest they want me to call into
5. When she thought about her past:
Every time someone asks john for a selfie and says "I never do this" I think back to the night we met when I said it but not about selfies
6. When she was personally victimized by Pokémon:
Ok well this is already mean
7. When she was honest about pasta:
8. When her MacBook wouldn't chill:
Hate this macbook relationship. "When do you want to update?" "Later" "later today or later tomorrow?" Oh my god just fucking LATER
9. When she had a backup plan:
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I'm murdered because I don't want him to remarry #truelove #tips
10. When she found a way around dumb rules:
making mom talk like a baby in the background of my room service call because it's illegal for adults to order off the kids menu
11. When she called John out on Twitter for using a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser in the shower:
i found a mr clean magic eraser in the shower next to the loofah. do i...
12. When she shared some relationship advice:
I think a good rule of thumb is to never play "fuck/marry/kill" between other couples you are currently sitting with.
13. When she didn't jump on the Apple Watch train:
iWill 100% make fun of your apple watch
14. When she talked about that time she tried to buy clothes at a mannequin store:
Remember that one time I went into a store because I liked a dress on the mannequin but it turned out to be a mannequin store
15. When she shared her taste in music:
I like hotline bling because it's great and I don't have to google what it's about
16. When she gave us details about her anniversary dinner:
My favorite part about my anniversary dinner was the girl who came to our table who john used to bone and also the sea bass
17. When she was honest as fuck about aging:
I'm at the age where I want to eat beef stew but then still go "be around cool people" after
18. When she considered hiring an intern:
Need an intern to help me block people for college credits or food
19. When she brought a very important issue to light:
chicken pot pies aren't talked about enough
20. When she sent someone a blender:
21. And then when she knew someone who could pay for tuition:
22. When Pizza Hut followed her on Twitter:
OH MY GOD 11:11 REALLY IS MAGICAL
23. When she just wanted to go to the damn Westminster Dog Show:
honestly upset i have not been invited to the westminster dog show especially with the amount of people who call me a dog daily on twitter
24. When she was tired of seeing shit penises:
The penises people tweet me are always the worst penises
25. When she made sure John didn't get too big of a head:
26. When she read the comments on The Rock's Instagram:
My favorite thing is when people give @therock advice about his workouts on instagram as if it's just not working for him
27. When she shared our thoughts about Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8:
I can't decide if I've met jon gosselin or I dreamt I met jon gosselin or if I should admit i think about jon gosselin
28. When she had dreams of a better world:
upsetting we live in a world where one cannot take molly and watch horses run in circles
29. When she decided to give up on showering:
The 30 seconds of cold skin and hair post-shower...not worth it to me anymore. I no longer wish to shower again.
30. When she was faced with a dilemma:
Shit room service just got here at the same time my sister is going into labor QUICK STEAK AND EGGS OR BABY?? BABY RIGHT??
31. When she just wanted to know if she won an award:
.@andy @Bravotv please tell me if I won a Bravo award. It's 12:30am here I'll never make it to 4. I need to know if i should cancel my cable
32. And then when she found out that she didn't:
Wow I just woke up to some horrible news, @Bravotv.......@DIRECTV U MAY CANCEL OUR TELEVISION THANK YOU
33. When she summed up her friendships:
i'm in this weird endless pit with a certain group of friends where we keep sending each other flowers to thank each other for the flowers
34. When John made her disable her new game:
My tamagotchi lasted one hour. John made me disable it
35. When she got very, very real about pregnancy:
no one told me i would be coming home in diapers too
36. When she "couldn't find" her baby:
37. When she needed the human touch:
Sometimes I catch myself holding my nail lady's hand back and realize the extent of my loneliness
38. When she had questions about the male anatomy:
IS PEE STORED IN THE BALLS
39. When she wanted the world to get its priorities straight:
If u see more than one girl in an insta pic, I think it's really important for u to say who is hotter. That's a really important thing to do
40. When she admitted who she really was:
remember when that whole foods photo was going around everyone was like "who the fuck would buy a peeled orange" well the answer is me
41. When she wanted the recognition she deserves:
2 grammy noms for @johnlegend no one has congratulated me for being the inspiration behind "all of me" without me there is no all of me
42. When she proved that celebrities are just like us:
4:30am, eating a sausage mcmuffin and looking up the gestation period of animals
43. When she realized she could never be a spy:
I could go like...4 hours before I would excitedly tell someone I was a spy
44. When she was honest about Twitter trolls:
I manually retweet the super-morons so they can't delete and hope their employers will see. Sadly, not many have employers.
45. When she shared her love of reality TV with us:
OJ american crime is over, but real housewives of new york begins tonight. when one door closes, another one opens and adderall falls out
46. When she pretended she was healthy:
Cucumber vodka makes you feel like you're at a spa being healthy when u are really just being another fuckin drunk at a sad bar
47. When she talked about her bikini line:
I almost respect this rogue single bikini line hair so much for her resistance to the crowd that I don't want to shave her
48. When she reached for the stars:
the only skill i am currently working on is getting a 5.0 uber rating and i am not fucking kidding
49. When she just wanted some Tater Tots:
Back at the airport. Waiting in a line 38 deep for tater tots. I am ashamed.
50. When she poked fun at celebrities constantly fucking up on Twitter:
Think I'm just going to wake up every morning and switch my first tweets between "I was hacked" and "I'm sorry for my poor choice of words"
51. When she had a message for Apple:
Do I look like the sort of person who needs the permanent stock market app, iPhone?
52. When she spoke the straight-up truth about iTunes:
"I hate the new iTunes i miss the old iTunes" is what I say when I download any new iTunes.
53. When she said what we were all thinking about whales:
Man. Whales are some majestic shit.
54. When she told women to have a conversation with their vaginas:
ladies! look down and tell your vaginas that a bunch of old dudes are deciding what you can do with it right now yayyy big day for vaginas!
55. When she questioned Feb. 29:
so do we leap or hump today i'm confused.
56. When she was basically a college student:
I just ate beef jerky to cleanse my mouth of my stale breath. I am at home and have access to a toothbrush and toothpaste.
57. When she got honest about what relationship goals actually are:
How is John taking off my jewelry "relationship goals" like your fuckin boyfriend won't take your necklace off jfc leave him
58. When she threw shade at people with road rage:
I have anger issues and I've still never held my horn down for more than 2 seconds go to therapy psychos
59. When she was all of us at Sephora:
i don't even get what a bb cream is and now you're telling me there is a cc
60. When she had a bone to pick with airplane passengers:
I honestly couldn't date someone that had the audacity to have a too-large carry on bag
61. When she channeled Martha Stewart:
I always forget about my white side so I candied my own pecans last night
62. When she realized this 100% true fact:
Has anyone even ever looked at the other people in their group photo?
63. When she was too lazy to function:
lazy is moving your shorts crotch to the side to pee
64. When she had fun with palindromes:
xanax. my favorite palindrome.
65. When she left Johnny wanting more:
Ladies. #keepthemwantingmore
66. When she talked about revenge:
The best revenge really is being nice. OR MURDER.
67. When she just let herself live her best life:
Fuck it I'm going in the onesie store
68. When she LOL'd at Instagram users:
I didn't even know what new york looked like at night until Instagram. And airplane wings. And coffee foam.
69. When she knew how to convince herself to get a drink:
Sometimes I think I just rant so I can say, "ugh, I need a drink". Then I get to drink.
70. When her life goal was all of our life goals:
one of my life goals is to reset all my passwords and fucking WRITE THEM DOWN.
71. When she was seriously hungover:
Threw up in the cab into a bag of cool ranch doritos. This hangover is no joke. Also I'm pretty sad about my doritos.
72. When she knew how cyclists think:
Admit it, cyclists. You don't like anyone in the world but other cyclists.
73. When she had this funny thought:
It's be funny if a trapped airport bird had to go through security and take its little bird shoes and coat off and remove its bird laptop
74. When she got mad at frozen foods:
Why the fuck do frozen foods assume your drunk ass knows the wattage of your microwave? My sober ass doesn't even know.
75. When she found a hidden treasure:
when bae thinks she found drugs in the ocean and all of a sudden she knows how to swim
76. When she breathed a sigh of relief:
I like it when my friends "like" my photos because then I know they aren't mad at me for something.
77. When she was really sorry about her feet:
I'm so confused and I'm sorry I am not the foot size you want and need
78. When she was just as paranoid as all of us:
Rental houses make me nervous because I'm scared the owners put in cameras because I know I would totally put in cameras
79. When she suffered from the same ailment many of us also suffer from:
I have some kind of disease where I look ridiculous in shit most other people look cool in
80. When her dog was disappointed in her:
Do you ever feel like your dog is disappointed in you
81. When she wished this for Natalie Portman:
ugh natalie portman is so pretty i wish she ate animals
82. When she was sad about her heritage:
sometimes i get legit upset that i'm not italian
83. When her pants were tight:
Oh fucking god I can't fit my pants and I'm not even wearing at them I can just look at them and know
84. When she wanted Buffalo Wild Wings before lunch:
What's the earliest anyone has had Buffalo Wild Wings
85. When she said what we were all thinking:
FUCK TURKEY!
86. And then when she shared another Thanksgiving opinion:
If you talk shit on stove top I'll block you
87. When she talked about a skill that's rarely discussed:
I honestly respect reality show people for the sole fact they can do their interviews weeks later and speak as if it's presently happening
88. When her rotten avocados made her doubt herself:
When my avocados go bad I feel like I'll never be a good mother and get noticeably distraught
89. When she had a connection with pie crust:
hour 2 of just staring at the pie crust ingredients
90. When she wanted to at least be thought of every once in a while:
Would never be a scientologist but offended to never have been asked
91. When she was sick of emojis:
Can you mute emojis
92. When she tweeted at John:
@johnlegend sometimes i go to your page and get excited it says you follow me then i remember you married me im drunk
93. When she loved John for who he is:
one of the best and worst things about john is how well he thinks he knows Spanish
94. When she supported kickers:
I cannot stand seeing kickers miss. I feel so bad for them. I hope there is a special group of groupies for kickers who miss.
95. When she was stressed about the police:
i had a dream a policeman came into my apartment and gave me a field sobriety test and i failed and went to jail
96. When she suffered from boredom:
i am basically just refreshing websites until i fucking die i guess
97. When she was nice to Bieber:
I had a dream I was giving Justin Bieber relationship advice and then pet him and said "everyone's too hard on you, Justin".
98. When she was cute and hip:
I call herpes "herps" because it's cuter/more hip
99. When she was willing to make a trade:
I will sell everything below the television to the person that gets me past the shitfuck Mario world above it
100. And finally... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
so many writers no longer have to actually think to write articles. They just pull tweets and instagrams and call it a day.