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71 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The NeverEnding Story" As An Adult

No. 32: No, no, no, no. Not the swamp. This is where the horse is going to die. This is where it happens.

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However, given that I'm an adult who makes salad dressing in a food processor and who sometimes does laundry more than once a month, I thought it was the right time to watch the movie again and finally push my fears behind me. Too bad "The NeverEnding Story" is inherently scary and the dying horse scene is still in it.

Here are 71 thoughts that prove "The NeverEnding Story" will give you nightmares no matter how old you are.

1. No, those rolling clouds aren't going to suck me up into the sky and take me away so I'll never see my parents again.

2. The boy's name is Bastian.

3. B.A.S.T.I.A.N.

4. His dad is legitimately drinking a glass of raw eggs. Nope.

5. Hey, Bastian's dad -- his mom died, let him draw unicorns in his math book. He's obviously going through something really heavy right now.

6. Ugh, no, those are bullies heading his way. I know a bully when I see one.

7. Come on, bullies. Just leave him alone. His mom died. Please don't put him in that dumpster.

8. They put him in the dumpster.

9. Wait, what??? Bastian gets out of the dumpster, the bullies wait around the corner and then try and get him to go back in??

10. Man, we live in a tough world.

11. This old man is telling an impressionable kid that if he reads a book, he will be trapped in the story forever. No nightmares there.

12. He told you not to open the book, kid. Don't do it. There's a mop dragon-dog in there.

13. Ugh, it was a trap. He wanted him to steal the book so he told him not to steal it. Well played, old book man.

14. Of course Bastian knows where his school leaves a spare key to get to the school's attic.

15. I'll ignore the fact that this school even has an attic in the first place.

16. He's breaking school law and skipping a math test… what if he gets caught?


18. First line of the book: "It was midnight in the howling forest."

19. What the what. That creature is a combo of the rabbit from "Alice In Wonderland" and a really hard worm.

20. It just came out of the ground. He has carrot ears.

21. Who is the man in the top hat? Why is that furry bat so big? What is a Rock Biter? They live in a place called Fantasia? Is that a goblin with pink eyeshadow? Yup.

22. JK. The rabbit/worm thing is a GIGANTIC SNAIL.

23. OK, so "Nothing" is destroying everything. Great. That explains it.

24. Everyone can go to bed now and not worry about a mysterious cloud called Nothing that could possibly seep out from the pages of a book and suck you into oblivion.

25. Those are Voldemort clouds. Definitely clouds made by the Dark Lord.

26. Hell no. These people have square heads and each side is a face. Nope. No thanks. See ya later. Bye. Adios.

27. All these Fantasia people are all dressed like they're in a bad middle school play.

28. One time I played a French woman in a middle school play whose only line was shouting "Yes!" as a man picks her up.

29. OK, so not only does a little boy named Atreyu have to save a young empress and all of Fantasia with no weapons, but he has to do it without being tracked down by "the creature of darkness" that resembles a werewolf with glowing green eyes.

30. I do not have his bravery.

31. Now we're in "The Desert of Shattered Hope"? OK, cool. Sure, name it that.

32. No, no, no, no. Not the swamp. This is where the horse is going to die. This is where it happens.

33. Don't take your horse through there! He's pulling back because he doesn't want to go!

34. You sink in the mud if you let sadness overtake you?!

35. Oh. My. God. How does this death happen only 30 minutes into the movie?

36. The sadness in that horse's eyes is the worst thing I've ever seen. It's pretty much on par with the look in Owen Wilson's eyes in "Marley and Me" when he has to put Marley down.

37. Omg this horse. Omg the tears running down Atreyu's face. Omg the panic in both of their eyes.

38. Atreyu is losing his best friend. This is so sad.

39. "You stupid horse!" He's not stupid! He's just trying not to die.

40. I can't stop thinking about my cat sinking to her death and how she wants me to save her but I can't and it's something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

41. "The NeverEnding Story" is like, "You just lost your best friend and now I'm going to introduce you to a gigantic mountain that's actually a turtle whose sneezes are powerful enough to knock you out of a tree."

42. The kid is back in the mud. I wonder if he can feel his dead best friend horse beneath his feet.

43. The mop dog is coming. I can see him.

44. Is it weird that I think Falkor looks like the animated semen in one of those sex-ed movies from high school?

45. Just imagine your P.E. teacher walking in and being like, "OK, we're going to watch 'The NeverEnding Story' because one of the characters resembles semen and semen is bad.'"

46. He kind of looks like if Mushu from "Mulan" had a baby with the Rainbow fish and Rachel's cat from "Friends."

47. And Jabba the Hutt must be a distant relative because Falkor has his eyes.

48. Oh, sure. I'll gladly take a sip of "batwing broth" made up of eye of newt, old lizard brain, tree mold and scales from a rancid sea serpent.

49. Great. Atreyu's next mission is to run past statues that have glowing eyes that shoot lasers at him.

50. The lasers can burn him to death.


52. Now he's entered a blizzard and he doesn't have a coat. I lived in New York once. You need a coat.

53. Oh crap. Bastian and Atreyu are looking at each other through a mirror.

54. I agree with you, Bastian — throw that book across the room. THIS IS GETTING WAY TOO REAL.

55. The Southern oracle voice sounds like Professor Trelawney's voice in "Harry Potter."

56. I wonder if J.K. Rowling watched this before she wrote "Harry Potter."

57. No! Atreyu fell off of Falkor. Understandable if that scene instilled a fear of flying into a lot of kids.

58. Falkor and Atreyu are both calling for each other but neither one of them can find each other. This is the horse all over again. Or getting lost in a mall.

59. The Rock Biter is here and he reveals the snail and man with the top hat and goblin were all eaten up by Nothing. Everything is awful and no one lives.

60. "The Nothing will be here any minute." NOPE.

61. The ground is splitting apart!!!!!!!!

62. Now Atreyu is at a place where paintings have been created to document his journey and there's one of his horse sinking to his death. Because obviously we need another reminder of that.

63. One of the paintings is real!!!! It's the werewolf!!

64. Falkor is swimming in the water with fish and now he probably smells like wet dog, which just makes everything worse.

65. The Nothing is coming. I can feel it in my bones.

66. What. Fantasia is gone. I thought they were going to save Fantasia. Now they're in space.

67. You know what, I'm on Atreyu's side. The tiny empress just told him that she knew the answer all along to saving Fantasia was to get Bastian to give her a new name and, if she had said that a little bit sooner, the horse might still be alive.

68. Well, Bastian is officially losing it. He's communicating via a book to save an imaginary world.

69. Sure, Fantasia is back and functioning, but Bastian never got to resolve his issues with his dad, his mom is still dead and the bullies are still out there.

70. I don't know. I'm a twenty-something and I still can't handle this movie without a blanket over my face.

71. I'll probably watch it again in another 20 years and see how I feel then.

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