I’m Asexual And Here Are Just 14 Things I Refuse To Hear Anymore

"Are you sure you're not gay?"

Asexuality is one of the most underrepresented orientations in the LGBTQIA community. Some people even hesitate about whether or not to include it in the acronym — that's how invisible it is. Similar to many people, I didn’t know what asexuality was until one of my favorite influencers made a video with BuzzFeed talking about it. After watching that video, I felt like I was seen for the first time. As you can imagine, when you tell people you aren’t interested in sex or don’t have any desire, they think you’re out of your mind. At first I thought the same way, but after doing some research about asexuality, I realized that there’s nothing wrong with me, and it’s a completely valid orientation.

@AsexualLove / Via instagram.com

While I’m completely comfortable with my identity, that’s not to say that when people make ignorant, insensitive, or just plain rude comments, it doesn’t bother me, because it does. Imagine going on a dating app and having the opening line be, “Do you masturbate?” While I have that I’m asexual in my bio, that doesn’t seem to curb the curiosity of those eager to find love, or shall I say lust. I disclose that I’m ace upfront to be transparent, and they have the audacity to start with that — no, thanks. This happens all the time, and not only is it disrespectful, but it’s annoying. These are just a few of the dozens of comments myself and fellow asexuals hear on a daily basis that come alongside revealing our identities. 

As someone who is an out and proud member of the ace community, I feel like I’ve heard it all when it comes to asexuality. However, nothing makes me feel less alone than reading about the experiences of other ace people, some of which are similar to mine. While it’s not my job as an asexual person to educate others about my identity, I want to spread awareness about the community and make us more visible in mainstream conversations.

While it’s not going to be an easy road, I want to share 14 things I’m tired of hearing as an asexual person with the hope of making you think twice before saying what’s on the tip of your tongue. So let's get started!

1. “You just haven’t met the right person.”

@JustAcesOfficial / Via instagram.com

Meeting the right person has nothing to do with asexuality. Asexuality deals with one’s level of sexual attraction, and finding the “right person” won’t change that when there’s very little to no attraction in the beginning. The right person for an asexual-identifying indiviudal is one who accepts them for who they are, regardless of their sexual preferences. 

2. “I can change your mind.”

@JustAcesOfficial / Via instagram.com

No, you aren’t going to change my mind. My sexuality isn’t a game, and you aren’t some magical being that’s going to change that for me. This is just a way for the other person to give themselves an ego boost and has nothing to do with actually care or concern for the asexual individual. 

3. “Do you masturbate?”

Logo TV / Via giphy.com

Don’t ask this ever, especially on a first date. Imagine going to your favorite restaurant, and your date pulls out the, “Do you masturbate?” as a conversation starter. Probably the biggest turn off ever in my opinion. First, whether or not I masturbate is none of your business. Second, some asexual people do masturabte. For many, this is a personal preference. Just because someone is asexual, it doesn’t mean they don’t have sexual needs. Depending on the person, masturbation can be enough to satisfy their needs, and that’s completely valid. Other asexual people don’t masturbate at all, and that’s OK. I know people on both ends of the spectrum, and they are both still ace at the end of the day. Lastly, you wouldn’t ask a straight or gay person this question, so why do you think it’s OK to ask me? If an ace-identifying person discloses that they masturbate, that is not an invitation to question their sexuality. They don’t owe you an explanation and never will. 

This recent video from BuzzFeed talking about asexuality does an excellent job covering this topic, so you may want to watch before your next date. 

4. “You should just loosen up.”

@Asexuallove / Via instagram.com

Wow, I’ve never heard this one before. Being asexual has nothing to do with anxiety around having sex. “Loosening up” won’t change the fact that asexual people are not interested in sex. 

5. “How do you know you don’t like sex if you’ve never had it?"

✨Panda 🏳️‍⚧️ Ace 👑 @panda_platypus

THREAD OF STUPID #asexual MEMES FOR #pride

06:27 PM - 01 Jun 2021

@Panda_Platypus / Via Twitter: @panda_platypus

How do you know you’re not gay if you’ve never gone out with a person of the same gender? The same idea applies to asexual people — there are some things you just know. 

6. “You’ll never be a real woman.”

@Asexuallove / Via instagram.com

This one boils my blood. Regardless of one’s identity, they are real and valid. I’ve always considered myself to be a real woman and always will because I am. My sexual orientation has nothing to do with my validity as a woman. The same idea applies to men and those of other gender identities. 

7. “Clearly you experienced trauma growing up.”

@Asexuallove / Via instagram.com

Not everyone who experienced trauma as a child is asexual. I’m sure there are cases when people refrain from sex because of trauma, but in terms of asexuality, asexual people don’t have the desire or interest in sex to begin with, which makes it different. 

8. “Are you sure it isn’t your antidepressants?”

yule⁷ @wseoulstice

tw // depression very very VERY important. #asexuality

06:10 AM - 28 May 2021

@WSeoulstice / Via Twitter: @wseoulstice

Yes, some antidepressants can decrease libido, but that doesn’t make someone asexual. If you had a desire to have sex, this would bother you. However, for many asexuals like myself, there is no desire, so I know it’s not tied to my medication. Many asexual people aren’t even on antidepressants or knew they were ace before they started taking medication.

9. “If you don’t have sex, how do you know you’re compatible?”

@Asexuallove / Via instagram.com

Sex isn’t the only aspect that makes up a relationship. Think about your friends. You don’t have sex with your friends to test your compatability, so the same concept applies here. It is easy to tell if you are compatible with someone without having sex. 

10. “Asexuality isn’t LGBTQIA+.”

@Asexuallove / Via instagram.com

This is up for debate within the community, but as an asexual person I definitely consider asexuality to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Asexuality is a sexual orientation — it describes one’s sexual preferences. Plus, some asexual people can be homoromantic, biromantic, etc. If you don’t know what that means, romantic orientation and sexual orientation are two different components. One’s romantic orientation relates to their preferences in terms of romantic relationships, whether it's with a person of the same gender (homoromantic) or others (biromantic, heteroromantic, etc.).

11. “They probably won’t date you because you’re ace.”

@Asexuallove / Via instagram.com

Not going to lie, this one stings a little bit. As an ace person, this thought has likely crossed your mind at some point. I understand how many people won’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want sex, but that’s not something you want to hear, especially from a stranger. Honestly, if they wouldn’t want to date me because I’m asexual, did they really want to date me in the first place?

12. “How will you have kids?”

@Asexualpositivity / Via instagram.com

Being asexual and having kids have nothing to do with each other. There are other ways to have children aside from hetero-sex. Who says we want children anyway? With more ways than ever to have children from IVF and adoption, there are plenty of ways for us to have children if we wish — don’t you worry. 

13. “Are you sure you’re not gay?”

@Asexuallove / Via instagram.com

Being asexual has nothing to do with being gay. Anyone — whether they are heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, etc. — can be asexual. As mentioned above, you can be asexual and want to be in a heteroromantic relationship. Going off of society’s stereotypes, in that case, you’d be in a “straight” presenting relationship. Personally, I happen to be both homoromantic and asexual — so yes, I identify as gay, but that doesn’t apply to everyone in the community. 

14. “You’re missing out.”

@Asexuallove / Via instagram.com

Asexual people aren’t missing out because it’s not something we are interested in to begin with. People usually miss out on things they want, but since we aren’t interested, there’s no missing out. Imagine if you told someone you didn’t want to go to a baseball game and they said, “Well, you’re missing out.” No, you’re not, because you didn’t want to go in the first place. Same notion applies to ace people in terms of sex. 

It’s important to note that everyone’s experiences with asexuality are different and to take these phrases with a grain of salt. While I get annoyed by hearing these things, I’m usually more than happy to try to explain asexuality to those who are genuinely interested in being educated, as are many other members of the community. It’s never too late to speak out as a member of the ace community about your experiences and what you want people to know.

Did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments!

Looking for more ways to get involved? Check out all of BuzzFeed's posts celebrating Pride 2021!

Kevin Valente / BuzzFeed