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I’m Asexual And Here Are Just 14 Things I Refuse To Hear Anymore

"Are you sure you're not gay?"

Asexuality is one of the most underrepresented orientations in the LGBTQIA community. Some people even hesitate about whether or not to include it in the acronym — that's how invisible it is. Similar to many people, I didn’t know what asexuality was until one of my favorite influencers made a video with BuzzFeed talking about it. After watching that video, I felt like I was seen for the first time. As you can imagine, when you tell people you aren’t interested in sex or don’t have any desire, they think you’re out of your mind. At first I thought the same way, but after doing some research about asexuality, I realized that there’s nothing wrong with me, and it’s a completely valid orientation.

While it’s not going to be an easy road, I want to share 14 things I’m tired of hearing as an asexual person with the hope of making you think twice before saying what’s on the tip of your tongue. So let's get started!

1. “You just haven’t met the right person.”

2. “I can change your mind.”

3. “Do you masturbate?”

Logo TV / Via giphy.com

Don’t ask this ever, especially on a first date. Imagine going to your favorite restaurant, and your date pulls out the, “Do you masturbate?” as a conversation starter. Probably the biggest turn off ever in my opinion. First, whether or not I masturbate is none of your business. Second, some asexual people do masturabte. For many, this is a personal preference. Just because someone is asexual, it doesn’t mean they don’t have sexual needs. Depending on the person, masturbation can be enough to satisfy their needs, and that’s completely valid. Other asexual people don’t masturbate at all, and that’s OK. I know people on both ends of the spectrum, and they are both still ace at the end of the day. Lastly, you wouldn’t ask a straight or gay person this question, so why do you think it’s OK to ask me? If an ace-identifying person discloses that they masturbate, that is not an invitation to question their sexuality. They don’t owe you an explanation and never will. 

This recent video from BuzzFeed talking about asexuality does an excellent job covering this topic, so you may want to watch before your next date. 

4. “You should just loosen up.”

5. “How do you know you don’t like sex if you’ve never had it?"

@Panda_Platypus / Via Twitter: @panda_platypus

How do you know you’re not gay if you’ve never gone out with a person of the same gender? The same idea applies to asexual people — there are some things you just know. 

6. “You’ll never be a real woman.”

7. “Clearly you experienced trauma growing up.”

8. “Are you sure it isn’t your antidepressants?”

tw // depression very very VERY important. #asexuality

@WSeoulstice / Via Twitter: @wseoulstice

Yes, some antidepressants can decrease libido, but that doesn’t make someone asexual. If you had a desire to have sex, this would bother you. However, for many asexuals like myself, there is no desire, so I know it’s not tied to my medication. Many asexual people aren’t even on antidepressants or knew they were ace before they started taking medication.

9. “If you don’t have sex, how do you know you’re compatible?”

10. “Asexuality isn’t LGBTQIA+.”

11. “They probably won’t date you because you’re ace.”

12. “How will you have kids?”

13. “Are you sure you’re not gay?”

14. “You’re missing out.”

It’s important to note that everyone’s experiences with asexuality are different and to take these phrases with a grain of salt. While I get annoyed by hearing these things, I’m usually more than happy to try to explain asexuality to those who are genuinely interested in being educated, as are many other members of the community. It’s never too late to speak out as a member of the ace community about your experiences and what you want people to know.

Did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments!

Looking for more ways to get involved? Check out all of BuzzFeed's posts celebrating Pride 2021!

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Kevin Valente / BuzzFeed

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