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The Definitive Jennifer Ranking

Shout to the heavens for THE JENS HAVE BEEN RANKED!

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9. Jennifer Carpenter

She’d probably have been much higher up if the last season of Dexter hadn’t been so laughably atrocious. Oh well, Deb’s ability to emote honestly made the tail end of the series worth sticking it out.

8. Ginnifer Goodwin

Not sure if it’s the roles she’s played or her Justin Bieber-esque hair, but ya know how some people have the kind of face that you really just want to punch? She’s a pretty decent actress and probably a lovely person, but, as far as (Gi)nnifers go, I’m just not that into you. And to clarify on spelling eligibility, everyone on this list had to have passed the Giuliana litmus test: if they had ever been referred to as a phonetic “Jen” on E! News, they were up for consideration, so congrats, Gin.

7. Jennifer Connelly

Speaking of rejection, nothing about this Jen indicates that she’s anything other than the poor man’s Demi Moore (minus the fact that she has no known propensity for whip-its).

6. Jennifer Love Hewitt

We have now entered the competitive Jennifers. If this list were evaluating solely Jennifer breasts, JLH would grab the top spot in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, we are ranking Jennifer-ness on the whole and a bodacious figure won’t help this Jen crack the top five. However, even though she’s never been in what comes close to a decent movie, she will always hold a special place in our hearts as Sarah Reeves from “Party of Five” (aka the sister with the huge rack).

5. Jennifer Garner

She hasn’t done a ton in the last few years, but honestly, if you were married to Ben Affleck, would you? She seems pretty content taking her beautiful, bespectacled children to school in comfy clothes and then casually looking like a Goddess to support her hubs on the red carpet. Also, HELLO “ALIAS.” Talk about 30, flirty and thriving.

4. Jennifer Hudson

Who would have thought circa 2004 that this Jen would rank so highly amongst the elite Jennifers of the world? After winning an Oscar, J-Hud single handedly restored credibility to “American Idol” that the show could in fact produce a star (credibility which has since been lost again—sorry Kris Allen). And then, the already gorgeous Jen decides to lose, oh, 100 pounds or so and become literally the most flawless specimen on earth. ALSO THAT FUCKING VOICE. So much talent, so little Jen. And don’t worry, we have forgiven the “SMASH” cameo.

3. Jennifer Lopez

Look— at this point, whether we like it or not, JLo is a pretty essential part of the zeitgeist. I mean, she was the original J [insert one-syllable last name abbreviation here]. She’s a pop star with a capital P who came to prominence when that actually meant something to the world. She’s beautiful, charitable, and there is surely talent somewhere in there. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, Jenny now has an “Idol” Judge’s salary and literally no idea where the block is.

2. Jennifer Lawrence

Is there anything to be said about how cool JLaw is that hasn’t already been said by your mom, your manicurist, your bank teller and the woman sitting next to you on the subway right now? Not really, so I’ll just say definitively, welcome to the top of the Jens, Jen! Please continue to make women everywhere annoy their followers by Tweeting how they’d “give anything to get froyo with JLaw!!!”

1. Jennifer Aniston

As bitter as it is to recall, back around 2005, we were forced to pick sides, and pick we did. These days, anyone who watched the 2012 Oscars knows that Team Jen is still the righteous path. She is America’s sweetheart and honestly, at this point I hope she never procreates for no child should have to grow up in the shadow of The Rachel. Congrats on being the #1 Jennifer, Jennifer! May your career continue to thrive with the same strength and fervor of Angelina’s forehead vein.

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