1. This headache. It's totally a brain aneurysm.
2. Or what if it's a blood clot?
3. Or... could it be a brain tumor?!
4. Also, I can't seem to shake this cough. How long have I had this cough for? How long do coughs normally last?
5. Actually, is this WHOOPING COUGH?
6. And can you get lung cancer if you've only smoked three and a half cigarettes?
7. Let's talk about this mosquito bite for a minute. Does that look like a bullseye around the bite to you, too?
8. Better get some antibiotics, just to be safe.
9. But then again... I don't want to build up a resistance.
10. Speaking of superbugs, did I read somewhere that gonorrhea is becoming untreatable?
11. Wait, what are the symptoms of gonorrhea again?
12. And, um, what about herpes? How long does it take for symptoms of herpes to show up?
13. Seriously, is this an ingrown hair or what?
14. What do you mean, you can still get herpes even if you use a condom???
15. ...AND HPV TOO?!
16. Ugh, now my stomach hurts.
17. IT'S OBVIOUSLY STOMACH CANCER.
18. Okay, come on, that's highly unlikely. It's probably just appendicitis.
19. Wait, what organs are on the left side? This is weird. Liver disease?
20. Or is that my kidney region? Did I have a somehow-unnoticed UTI that, when left untreated, has now progressed to full-blown kidney infection?
21. Or maybe I have CROHN'S. ULCERATIVE COLITIS. IBS.
22. No no, be reasonable. It's probably just gas.
I mean, it's always just gas. You know this. Pull yourself together.