1. "It's after six. What am I? A farmer?
2. "I want to go to there."
3. "One time at summer camp I kissed a girl for a dare but then she drowned."
4. “I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, on top of a mountain in Switzerland.”
5. "Yes, may I please speak to pizza."
6. “Oh Miss Maroney, I have your messages. Uh, a Mr. Brett Fav-ray stopped by, and uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog? There you go.”
7. “Factories provide three things this country desperately needs: jobs, pride and material for Bruce Springsteen songs.”
8. “Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push up last year for nothing.”
9. “The beeper’s gonna be making a comeback. Technology’s cyclical.”
10. “You mean Lois Lane’s love affair with…JOURNALISM. That’s right I said it.”
11. “My real name…is Dick Whitman.”
12. “Goodbye forever, you factory reject dildos.”
13. “Superman does good. You're doing well."
14. “Never go with a hippie to a second location.”
15. “I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut.”
16. “Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”
17. “Guess who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? This moi!”
18. “You’re going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego Zoo?”
19. “Who hasn’t made mistakes? I once French-kissed a dog at a party to try and impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.”
20. “How dare you hang up on me. I’m a corrupt cop, my brother’s a corrupt fireman. He’s gonna set you on fire and I’m not going to investigate it.”
21. “Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?”
22. “Good god, Lemon! Those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter.”
23. “TGS with Tracy Jordan without Tracy Jordan is an oxymoron, like ‘liberal government’ or ‘female scientist.’”
24. “It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New York. It’s still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.”
25. “One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti! Sometimes I pee in the shower if I’m really tired! I saw my grandparents making love and I didn’t leave right away!”
26. “Fifty is the new forty for men. Fifty is still sixty for women.”
27. “Yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more!”
28. “He’s on LinkedIn, Lemon. He might as well be dead!”
29. “You know how the media are. They wait for one mistake and that’s all you are. It happened to Hitler. No one ever talks about his paintings.”
30. “You wanna party? It’s five hundred for kissing, ten thousand for snuggling. End of list.”
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