3. Cyrus: The Wrecking Butterball
Following his lifelong dream of controversial pop stardom, Cyrus originated the sexy wrecking ball act. Some chick from Montana caught wind of it and made national news, immortalizing Cyrus as a true pop innovator.
4. Splash: Canada’s Most Wanted
Before fleeing America, Splash had no idea that “Canadian Thanksgiving” was anything more than a punchline. Now he’s on the run once again. But that’s not stopping him from hitting up all the important landmarks!
5. E.L. Jamestown: The Filthy Fowl
This bestselling author’s cookbook will be leaving kitchens filthy this holiday season, but the author won’t be there to see any of the mess.
6. ???, ??? and ???: Witness Protection Poultry
All we know about these three is that they will not be joining your feast this Thanksgiving. We cannot divulge any more information. In fact, we’ve already said too much.
7. Stuffy: The Vegan Chef
Lending her talons and talents to the kitchen, Stuffy will be catering Thanksgiving dinner this year. Dinner guests will be served a completely vegan Thanksgiving meal, which we hear is super trendy nowadays.
8. Don: The Mafia Domesticated Don
Not wanting to end up slathered in sauce, Don took matters into his own hands and became “the boss.”
9. Elaine: The Dine-and-Dash Diva
This year Elaine is thankful for her quick little feet. She was last seen in Los Angeles, dining at five-star restaurants, ordering all the Thanksgiving fixings (besides turkey, of course), and trotting out on the bill.
10. Chips: The Gobble Gobble Gambler
This year, Chips won’t be on your dinner table when you count your blessings. She’ll be counting her own poker chips as she’s cleaning up at the $10,000 buy-in tables.