back to top

12 Ways To Numb The Inexhaustible Pain Of Consciousness

As told by Colin Farrell's Season 2 bender.

Posted on

1. Start the night of with a nice stiff drink.


That should get the ball rolling on forgetting that your son fears you!

2. Keep the party alive by making a dent in your giant mound of cocaine.


Your ex-wife hating you isn't gonna forget itself!

3. No alone party is complete without another huge bump from your anthill of coke.


It's starting to feel like the divorce never happened!

4. Hey, another couple runs on the old ski slopes couldn't hurt.


In a couple minutes, it won't matter what the results of the paternity test your ex-wife is making you take are!

5. Slow it down with a nice violent triple shot of José Cuervo.


Her new husband probably couldn't toss back straight tequila like this – who cares how stable he is!

6. Pop a couple more lines of the good stuff up the old honker for good measure.


It's not like you brutally assaulted the father of the 12-year-old who bullied your son and told him, "You ever bully or hurt anybody again, I’ll come back and buttfuck your father with your mom’s headless corpse on this goddamn lawn!"

7. Gesticulate spastically to yourself.


Nothing calms the nerves like a mix of air guitar and karate!

8. Keep it fit with a couple chin-ups.


Nothing like a little bicep work to break up the monotony of what must be at least one whole ounce of pure cocaine!

9. Take the edge off with a nice cold beer and another fat line of the white lady.


Sometimes you just need to relax after a long day of colluding with the corrupt Vinci Police Department and being blackmailed into crime by mob boss Frank Semyon!

10. Take a second to blink like a crazy person in an effort to process your deep isolation from everyone you've ever loved.


This is your life now!

11. Rip the shirt open to see how the old ticker is handling this epic one-man party.


You wouldn't want to have any health problems after you've already been shot at point blank range by a person in a bird mask!

12. Weep uncontrollably and hope for redemption.


After all, there are still 2 episodes left!