Ah man. I like that movie. Maybe I should watch that next.
Is this a Miramax film? I feel like anything from the 90's that was vaguely a period piece was them, right? (Shakespeare in Love. Emma. Etc.)
No. It's United Artists. Ugh. Now I'm embarrassed. Their logo popped up ten seconds ago. I need to pay attention
I forgot this started with a voice over. I feel like that's cheating. Isn't the rule in writing to show us rather than tell us?
Oh boy. Fart jokes. I must have loved that circa 1998.
Gerard Depardieu is so svelte. Why did it take me so long to notice that?
OMG I forgot Malkovich's son is a baby faced Peter Sarsgaard.
I should re-watch his SNL episode. The Peter Sarsgaard SARS guard is possibly the best sketch ever. And the sketch when he's the keynote speaker at a pirate convention and they love saying his name! I can't.
John Malkovich isn't even attempting an accent at all. This is like Kevin Costner circa Robin Hood. I feel like this would never fly nowadays.
Yo, this palace is DOPE. #versaillesFTW
I wish I had written the line "Don't underestimate the Dutch." It might be my favorite part of this whole movie.
Jeremy Irons is subtly handsome in this. Or maybe it's the fact that he plays a Jesuit musketeer? I like 'em smart, ya know?
I hope he gets his Oscar soon.
Remember when he was on Growing Pains? Man, time flies.
Alright, I need to focus.
Shit son. Leo is stone cold. Now we shall call you, Bad Leo!
Uh oh. Leo's got eyes for Sarsgaard's farm girl fiancé.
Ahh yes. Knowing glances from the window. Can't wait for that D plot to develop.
I don't know if it's intentional but Sarsgaard really matches Malkovich's tone and demeanor. (Read: very little emotion or vocal variation)
Dang. People are chasing a pig for a piece of jewelry. The French are wonderfully strange people.
Wait. The King has control of his fountains and just like, made them into a wall to cut this dumb girl off from the group.
Okay. Let's be honest. Leo is hella creepy but also he's got some style, ya know? Like that fountain work was slick.
Sarsgaard's girlfriend is pretty naive. I don't care if you're king of France (or King of the world)- YOU BETTA BACK UP, BOO BOO.
Dang someone tried to end Leo. Good thing Gabriel Byrne is super paranoid.
Malkovich is so happy and easy going in this movie. It's unnerving.
Oh man. Now Sarsgaard is being sent back to the front lines so Leo can bag his girl. Not cool, bro.
Ugh this rotten food scene. UGHHHH. These background actors…
Wait for it... SLOW MOTION SHOT! (Did he really just catch the rotten food on his sword and try it? If it wasn't so cheesy, it'd be swaggy. )
Bad Leo is straight up deporting chicks after he beds them. That's why they call him "love em and leave em Leo." (Do they call him that? It seems fitting in this film and frankly, for his real life persona.)
I love when Bad Leo tosses his hair like a lady or a rock star. *swoon*
Oh shit. He just killed Dr. House. Bye.
Aaaand now Sarsgaard is at the front lines. He's totally going to die.
OH SHIT. He died before I could even finish writing that thought. What a terrible way to go.
Literally. That scene was terrible.
These reactions are a little insane. Like, not awful but they could be better. Maybe I should direct a remake of this film and really get the tone right.
Okay. Malkovich is really pissed. Rightfully so. And it just took like 20 musketeers to take him down. I'm impressed. (Yes, I know it's a movie)
Nothing puts a girl in the mood like losing the love of her life. Poor thing is getting drunk because she knows whats coming. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.
Eww he's giving her lines about "different kinds of love" now. Doesn't he see she's distraught? LEO, READ THE ROOM.
Ohh I love a secret meeting in a crypt.
Scene: "Man in mask stares at moon." End scene.
Alright- we are breaking out of French jail. Should be easy. Maybe we will get a sword fight!
Full disclosure: I'm confusing this with at least 5 other scenes from 5 other movies right now.
Dude, did Jeremy Irons just have a dead body strapped to him for the last hour?
Also- how did they know what the mask looked like and what "Good" Leo would be wearing? Logistically I have a lot of questions about this "heist" section.
Wow. That was like the quickest jailbreak scene ever. Literally zero fighting. In. Out. Done. Mask off!
For some reason Gerard is suicidal or something. He gets laid a lot so I'm a little confused as to why he's so sad all the time.
Ah yes. It hurts when he pees. He says it's kidney stones. But it's probably syphilis. That shit will eat yo' brain.
Ah now they can see his face. Ta-da! It's Good Leo!
Wait now we are getting like, soooo much backstory. INCLUDING BAD FLASHBACKS! Okay so, Queen had twins. One was put on a farm to be a kid. (Good Leo) The other was raised to be king. (Bad Leo) Bad Leo put Good Leo in jail when he found out. Jeremy Irons helped do all this and clearly, dude's got a ton of guilt about the whole thing. And last but not least, he wants to make Good Leo the king and like, secretly over throw Bad Leo...?
Sounds super simple.
I can't believe all this exposition is just happening. I'm like AN HOUR into the movie.
I should really read this book. It's probably amazing. Dumas is a genius.
I tell my best friend every time I like, drink too much coffee. How did Jeremy Irons forget for twenty years to tell his friends that he hid an infant prince and then jailed him in an iron mask as a teenager? MEN ARE CONFUSING.
When John Malkovich thinks your plan is insane, you've officially gone too far.
Man, she is constantly praying. The French. So catholic.
UGHHH, don't hook up in church. What is wrong with people?
Oh lord. "But not to love you is a treason against my heart" is a sentence I'm going to be washing off my skin for days.
Gerard is getting laid again. Literally rolling in hay. *hack hack hack*
Oh haiii booty. Das a real good one. 👌👌👌
A nude suicide attempt. This movie is all over the place. Plus, they glossed over that whole ordeal in 30 seconds.
Good Leo really likes the moon. I'm not sure what the symbolism is here. But the director really likes it.
That moon is so fake. Way too huge.
Here's the Come-to-Jesus talk.
Wouldn't it be great if they sang "Lullaby of Broadway" to convince him?
Someone? Anyone? Just me?
Good Leo is so wise. He just wants to be Good Leo! Who wants to be Bad Leo? NOBODY.
Finally a training montage. I thought we'd never get here.
Good Leo has swag too. A farm girl gave him a peach. 🍑🍑🍑
Now she's just watching herself cry. Meh. We've all been there.
This girl Christine is boring. Why are all the female characters so fucking lame?
Okay. Time frame has been shortened. Jeremy Irons is making a big exit. This is very exciting.
More bonding between Good Leo and Malkovich. I love that he was cast as the caring, fatherly character. I feel like that would never happen these days.
Does Jeremy Irons ever ride inside the carriage or just wildly hang on at every opportunity? What a silly directing choice.
This party scene is actually shot really cool. They're playing some intense minds games with the king. (That mask is mad creepy tho.)
I love a good sucker punch camera shot. Even though they are so hokey.
I wonder who did the score? It's kind of growning on me. I should look that up.
Aww. The big lady fell down and Good Leo helped her up. Not "on brand" for the king but hey, the people like it.
Their faces are both like, "omigod relax omigod hi omigod freaking out right now"
Good Leo is holding his mommy's hand. I'm dead. And I miss my mom. I should call her.
GUYS CALL YOUR MOM.
Dumb girl is here and she's gone crazy. But at least this party is starting to get interesting.
Okay here's the high stakes escape scene I was looking for.
I think Gerard just set someone's balls on fire.
Man, Gabriel's sidekick looks familiar. I really need to do some reconnaissance on this movie when it's over. IMDB awaits.
Annnnd Good Leo is totally f****d. #captured
Yikes. I don't like them side by side. Two Leos are not better than one.
Their mom is a wimp. If my son ever spoke to me like that, I would knock his teeth out of his head.
Oh dang. Sad fiancé just killed herself. But hey. She looks pretty?
That's not how dead bodies look. But whateverrrr.
Good Leo is back in the mask. #sadface
I've been trying to craft a joke about acting school and mask work for AT LEAST an hour. No dice.
Oh okay. So now that Gabriel Byrne knows the twins are his sons he wants to free Good Leo? Whack.
Dear god, are we in a jail scene AGAIN?! Jesus. Be careful what you wish for.
Also, if I have to watch another sappy romantic scene between Gabriel and the Queen mother I'm going to take a bath in hand sanitizer.
Side Note: I hate red roses. They are so lame. And lack thought and creativity. Red roses are basic. THERE I SAID IT.
They probably saved a ton of money by shooting this scene with Good Leo in the mask and Bad Leo out in the open. A body double is way cheaper than post-production special effects.
Can I even watch a movie anymore without thinking about the logistics? My career choice has ruined all the things I love.
Generally speaking, fight scenes are much better nowadays. This stuff is soft.
Finally Gabriel doesn't bitch out. Only took him like the three hours since this movie started.
Guys. Now is so not the time for a heart to heart.
"Magnificent valor." I can't make this shit up.
Nooooo. Gabriel can't die. He JUST stopped sucking.
Wait can you die from getting stabbed in the shoulder blade?
Oh shit he didn't even get to bleed out. He just died on the spot. #dascold
"You were the one to wear the mask." I CANT I CANT I CANT.
And NOW the sidekick speaks up? Oh please. Too little too late.
Bad Leo just got locked up. BYE FELICIA!
Pretty sure Good Leo just asked Malkovich to be his dad. That's... sweet? But also. Dude. You're at your actual dad's funeral. Give it a day.
And now the old musketeers are being saluted by all the young ones. That's nice. Even my cold heart can appreciate that. I still cry when everyone bows to the hobbits at the end of LOTR. (Oh god. Don't make me think about it.)