I Removed Three Ribs, So I Could Give My Own Dick A New Year's Kiss, By Rob Bebenek
Another year with no sweetheart to smooch for ol Bebsie, but this time around I've come up with a life hack. While everyone else is kissing the one they love on New Years Eve, I will be puckering up for my own penis!
Those of you wondering why I haven't been around this holiday season, wonder no more. I have been healing from an elective surgery to remove my ribs. They were blocking my mouth's access to my penis you see, and therefore had to go, so I could ring in 2017 in style!
Very few doctors would perform this operation, and it was not covered by OHIP. However, it will be completely worth the money and danger, to give myself a little Auld Lang Suck tonight.
2016 has been a challenging year for all of us, particularly for me, as the sketchy doctor who removed my ribs gave my chest a very serious infection. But, I will be spending the last moments of this horrible year turning things around! By which I mean I will be at a crowded party, crumpled over myself on the floor, kissing the head of my erect penis.
Bowie, Prince, Carrie Fisher, this one's for you!