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79 Thoughts I Had Watching "Star Wars: Episode V" For The First Time

Is the force the same as telekinesis? Asking for a friend.

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Lucasfilm / 20th Century Fox

1. The Ice World of Hoth – Is that near the Fortress of Solitude?

2. Luke is on a snowy kangaroo. That thing looks hella scary.

3. Oh, SHIT. The abominable snowman!

4. UM, that was terrifying. Forget everything I said about the snowy kangaroo. Can Luke get some help?

5. I think Leia is giving Han sexy eyes.

6. Han is leaving. He's trying to be all like, "BYE," and she's like, "come back ;)."

7. "You could use a good kiss." UM, Han being really creepy RN.

8. C3PO needs to be the bearer of bad news. Luke hasn't returned to Elsa's ice castle.

9. This scary snowman eating his bloody meal is kind of like watching a drunk girl eating chicken nuggets at 3 A.M.

10. Is the force the same as telekinesis? Asking for a friend.

11. He chopped of the monster's arm. Karma, Luke — it's coming for you.

12. I don't even understand how he got into this position???

13. Obi-Wan is like, "Get up, Luke. Yoda has to teach you Jedi skills and poor grammar and shit."

14. LMAO THE SNOW KANGAROO. He just fell over like, "Nah. I'm done."

15. Well, well, well. Look at this boy scout.


16. Ew. The insides of that thing look gross.

17. Han and Luke are rescued, but now Luke is wearing a man diaper under water. What is this movie?

18. The sexy banter between Han and Leia is so funny. "Call me nerf herder one more time!"

19. Ah, the kiss. IT'S THE KISS.

20. Yo, Leia, WTF? Luke was just in a diaper.

21. Oh and you'll find out soon that he's your brother.

22. I wish I could choke someone to death like Vader.

23. Through FaceTime. That'd be raw as hell.

24. Leia and her peeps are ready for an ASSAULT.




27. This metal horse machine really got knocked down because Luke tied its shoelaces together?

28. Han's all, "We have to evacuate, Leia. Lez goooo!"

29. Luke is going AWOL to find Yoda.

30. R2 can swim and is waterproof?! They should make iPhones out of that material.

31. R2 just catapulted out of there like a bad one night stand.

32. We just saw the scarred back of Vader's head. Damn. What's THAT story?

33. I like the way Han pronounces Falcon like "fall-cun."

34. So Yoda is a Jedi master? Is it just me or is he kinda annoying?


35. Leia and Han are so flirty. She makes "scoundrel" sound so sexy.

36. Oh, THAT'S *the* kiss.


40. "The force is strong with him." Why, though??? Why is Luke so special?

41. The Emperor says Luke has two options: Choose evil or die.

42. Um, what are the other items on the menu?

43. Does Yoda live here with Bilbo?

44. Buckle up, Luke. Some rough shit is coming your way.

45. Han and Leia are outside the Fall-cun. Can they breathe this air? Is there air? WILL THEY SURVIVE?

46. Wait — so they were in a space slug? Not a cave?

48. Luke is going into a scary place without weapons? Typical white girl scary movie decision.

49. Vader appears to Luke. So Luke decapitates him. Obviously.

50. Oh shit. He sees himself in Vader's mask. This is intense!


51. Han goes to attack Vader's ship. As Yoda would say: Big balls this one has.

52. "Do or do not. There is no try." There's the quote. THERE IT IS.

53. Luke's little ship sank and Yoda is like use the force. Size doesn't matter. Every woman chuckled. This was clearly written by a man.

54. Time to visit Lando, whoever that is.

55. A black person! Yay!!!

56. Did 3PO just get killed? Wtf?

57. Luke is like, "Chill. I'm not going to go to dark side. Brb."

58. "Don't give into hate." – I wish everyone in the world followed this.

59. Obi-Wan is like, "That boy is our last hope," and Yoda is like, "No, there's another." Who? Who is it???

60. Leia doesn't trust Lando. I don't know how I feel about him either.

61. Chewie finds parts of 3PO. Thank goodness for Chewie.


62. Did they all go to brunch while 3PO is sitting in pieces? It's time for some new friends.

63. Lando set this whole thing up to deliver them to Vader? What an asshole.

64. Why is this a trap for Luke? Who's the emperor? What's he the emperor of? Why does he want Luke?

65. Vader's squad are going to carbon freeze Han as a test to make sure it doesn't kill Luke.

66. Why does Han think Chewie needs to take care of the princess? She's pretty badass on her own, OK?

67. Leia: "love you." Han: "I know." So much game.

68. Oh look at Lando's Apple watch!

69. Luke and Vader are facing off. This should be good.

70. Oh no! They're too late. Frozen Han is flying off.

71. Did Luke just fly out of a hole? What is the force and how can I get some?

72. Why are light sabers different colors?

73. Luke's hand. What the fuuuuuuuuuuck?

74. UH, he's so calm for a dude with a missing hand.

75. "I am your father." Damn. But you just fucked up his hand, you want to freeze him, and you are holding his friends hostage. Dad of the year, bro.

76. Leia can hear Luke's silent distrust signal... That's convenient.

77. Stop trying to make hyperspeed a thing. It's never going to happen.

78. Vader is trying to seduce Luke to the dark side by getting in his head but I don't think it's going to work. Right? RIGHT?

79. So now hyperspeed is a thing. Congratulations!

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